Got a free tangle fidget today at work. Autism win!

Ok but fr can I talk about how stressed I am about christmas being literally next week? This is literally me rn.

Was talking to a friend yesterday about how hard it is to have so many different interests, be pretty good at a lot of things but not be a true expert in anything. We decided it was probably the autism/adhd combo we're both sporting. I can't help but lament that if i didn't have adhd i'd have probably specialized in one thing and stuck to it and gotten really good at it and possibly have a viable career path. Who knows if this is really the case, but it's on my mind anyway.

I'm really a person who needs as few demands placed on me as possible. Sometimes the demands of simple personal upkeep are overwhelming. Throw working 40 hours every week on top then socializing with friends and showing up in my relationship and grocery shopping and house cleaning into the mix it's enough to render me immobile at times. So now that christmas is here, i have gifts to buy and travel to plan on top of all that other stuff? it's just really not ideal. Not to mention that finances are dicey. I just wish there was a little more time. I feel exhausted and ashamed for being so exhausted because i know no matter how overwhelmed I am my demands are relatively low compared to almost everyone I know. I on purpose set up my life so i could function the best and have as little responsibility as possible. I don't have kids, pets, or even a plant. I haven't grocery shopped in months.

If i'm honest writing like this sort of makes me feel cringe and embarassed but i'm deciding to just ignore that. I don't usually talk about myself in this length or detail in real life. I think it's probably important that I have the space to do it. I wish I was better at writing. For now I figure bad writing is better than no writing and is much more likely to evolve into good writing over time. I hope that day comes soon.

Again i find myself surprised that I've returned to coding after falling off for a bit. I'm capable of taking breaks! I always used to do something until i burnt out and then not touch it again for years if ever. But here I am!

Today I came across a journal I had been writing in earlier this year and I was struck by how much i'd grown since those entries. At the time I was extremely dissatisfied with my life, body, skills and habits. I was sick of being at home and financially unstable. I was sick of not looking or dressing my best. I was sick of never exercising and overeating to the point of discomfort/pain every day.

Now I've got my office job. It does tire me out as I feared but it's better to be tired from being out in the world doing things than it is to be tired from the intertia of moving from bed to couch back to bed every single day. Although I havent been consistent with it lately i have a little workout routine I can incorporate into my day. I became more conscientious about my eating habits and pay attention to when I'm full and whether i'm eating out of boredom or momentum. I realized my previous level of indulgence was not actually kind to my body. I am much healthier and more confident now.

I've gotten better at makeup and hairstyling and take much better care of my skin and hair than I was, and it's made such a difference. Getting dressed and made up every day for work is really helping me form my idea of how I want to present myself to the world. I'm allowing myself to experiment and try new things.

Notably, i picked up this coding skill! Which will one day hopefully be marketable but for now I'm just enjoying learning playing and creating. I think this is an ideal medium for me because it basically requires almost no equipment or setup. Just open up the computer, get going and see instant results. I think it's good for my brain's reward receptors as well as my tendency toward executive dysfunction.

I'm being kind to myself by allowing rest. I feel less guilt about rest now since i'm actually leaving my house and have something to rest from. My job is no longer a topic I'm embarrassed to elaborate on. I love my place in the world as a cunty office girly right now.

It's just really heartening to see proof of my growth and change. I feared I'd be stuck and stagnated forever because that's how i was hardwired. I'm so glad to know that that's not true at all. I've risen to so many occasions and proved myself more capable than i ever thought. It can only get better from here I think!

2023 has been a pivotal year for me. If I can be in such a different place now than i was in march of this year imagine where I could be a year from now! I'm turning 27 in not too long. That's my saturn return, so I think it's bound to be a great year.

I don't know why i started writing here. I don't have anything to say. I may go work on the fashion page instead of this. Bye.

I watched the Disney Alice in Wonderland last night for the first time in a while, a childhood favorite i've seen a billion times. Watching it really solidified in me that i am truly past children's media now. Up until around now I've consumed a mix of children's and adult media and I felt like a lot of children's media was universal in a way that transcended its status as children's media.

I'm realizing now that I felt that way becasue i was a child and in the target demographic for this media. I now realize at 26 that no matter how good a children's movie it is still for children and as an adult I could really be spending my time watching things made for adults. It's not that I feel like i should or have to. it's just that I now crave a certain sophistication in my media that i cannot get from children's media. it's a relief. Now when I give in to my nostalgia and revisit a childhood favorite i don't feel that sense of regression. I now feel like i've gotten all I can out of my childhood favorites and i can now let them rest. Except for High School Musical, ok? I still love High School Musical.

Childhood is such an important phase of life but it's also a short one. Ideally I have more life ahead of me than behind me. Imagine how much growth and development can occur during that time. Imagine how much I can change.

Oop! I think I'm a little cranky! I'm finding everyone's bids for attention around me to be grating and excessive. We are all human beings and deserve to be heard. I really believe that. The desire for attention is a part of the human experience and we should indulge our peers and let them feel seen.

However...

Can we just shut up sometimes. Like for a second can we stop demanding responses and reactions from people and just let them be. Let me be. i'm talking about me. I like to have the option to turn inward and I hate when that option is taken from me.

Socializing has gotten generally easier for me now that I realize i don't have to hold or diffuse awkwardness for other poeple nor respond with vigor and enthusiasm to every single thing. I only have to do that for the things I feel that for. I used to try to hard to make people feel like i was completely engrossed and attentive to them. But that was exhausting. And not necessary. i can just be normal.

I think i have a certain social hypervigilance. I feel like i hear everything that goes on. i used to feel like i had to respond to everything. i used to get hurt when people would appear to not hear me or just didnt respond to me. I heard everything, so why didn't everyone else? I used to feel like people were ignoring me. They kind of are but i've realized it's not personal and it's actually more normal to do that than it is to listen for every single thing someone says and have a response to it.

not everything needs a response! what a weight off my shoudlers. when i was a kid i thought that when you said thank you and someone said you're welcome that you had to respond with thank you again and i didn't understand how the loop would stop, because everything needs a response!

when people narrate random shit they're doing i can just let them. i can be annoyed that they're making noise but that is such an improvement on feeling like i have to come up with something to say in response.

I feel like i'm almost incoherently rambling at this point but i want to talk about one of my related pet peeves.

There's this phenomenon that occurs where I can hear every interaction between multiple communicants in a space clearly, but the comunicants in the same exact space as cannot hear/understand each other. Like i hear everything and everyone else is going "what?" "I'm sorry?" like... Sometimes they'll even be together in another room and i can HEAR THEM BOTH in that other space misunderstanding and mishearing each other when i can hear every word each one is saying clearly. WHYYYYyyy can yall not hear each other i can hear it all so i know it's a listener issue. people really do not pay attention to other people like i do. it's a curse. but for real. i hate hearing clear communication go awry. it could be so simple. i'm just feeling a little misanthropic today. it's not my damn fault communication is a nightmare. it's everyone else ughhghg.

Btw, loving the new Pink Pantheress album. And the video even though people keep saying it's proof she is the "only artist who truly understands y2k." All that is is proof that these kids do not understand y2k in the slightest. They highly value an understanding that they don't even have. She did nail a very 2006 disney channel vibe which i do love and think is fabulous. People were calling it frutiger aero... HELLO? It was frutiger metro at best but jesus christ. My good friend and i have been pissed off about this for days we just go on and on. It's nice to have someone to complain about this stuff with. Someone who gets it.

I have so much work to do and i'm avoiding it. god help me.

I've actually got plenty to work on today at my job but I'm stalling by making an entry. I didn't end up going gamer mode like i thought, unless you count playing candy crush for hours each day and making outfits on shoplook.

I'm sort of feeling a bit more optimistic again but at the same time feeling the strong urge to fuck off and hide and have absolutely nothing expected of me for an indefinite period of time.

I need a vacation. I need to clean my house. I need to do my nails. I need to make a to-do list. I am such a weeeeeenie.

I've been working on another site. A page for a sci-fi western themed RPG my boyfriend has devised. It's really cool and exciting and fun to practice coding by making something for someone else. We're gonna do a demo playthrough this sunday to see how it works. It should be cool and fun. Check out the ol progress here.

Again I find myself pretending to work. I found out the tamagotchis i carry around with me every day as keychains for my important items are going for like $200 on ebay. Even if they were worth $1000 I wouldn't sell them. Because if i didn't have them, I'd be lamenting that I didn't have $1000 to buy one with. I'm so glad I kept my tamagotchis. I love them so much. I think I'll buy some batteries today and start running them.

I feel myself shifting back into video game mode. I haven't played anything in a good while (a couple monhts). I'm thinking of starting something new rather than jumping back into the old standbys (Minecraft, animal crossing, stardew).

I've never played a zelda game but that new one looks really fun. My Switch has been lying dormant for too long now. Lately I've been playing everything on xbox out of convenience. It's a new month and i'm ready for a new season.

I have a 2ds but I really want a 3ds. I also want a crystal pink gameboy advance. I also want a replacement pink DS Lite since after all these years mine has stopped working reliably. There's not enough time for me to do even all the leisure activities I want to do. What about traveling? I haven't in forever. I have no plans. I have no money. I feel sort of lost and flustered rn.

Ok I started mini-spiraling but now I've scheduled appointments for therapy and psychiatry which i have never done before in my LIFE but I feel somewhat better now knowing that's upcoming. I need to take care of myself and take control of my life. Hard to do when all I care to do is rest and chill.

i wish so bad I could log into webkinz at work and play Pizza Palace omg. that would kill so much time. Sadly it requires a desktop app :(

I

It's actually sort of scary how rusty one can get after taking a weekish long hiatus from coding every single day. I gotta make sure I stay on top of this so I don't forget. I've still got a long way to go.

I started a bare bones fashion page on here finally and I'm hoping to flesh it out in the coming weeks.

Also, I've got a new project on the horizon. My boyfriend has crafted a sci-fi western dnd style role playing game and i'm going to make a website for it. it should be really cool and i'm excited to get to solve someone else's coding problems than just working on my own site. I think it'll reinvigorate my love for coding and hopefully push me past this progress plateau.

Trying to add more intentionality into my life. When i was young my strategy was always to just see how things play out and assume they'd work out for me. That worked well enough for a while but now that I've allowed myself to fuck off for a few years it's time for me to start realizing my own potential. Lately I just get off work and vegetate on my phone until bedtime. Doing that has gotten in the way of me performing regular self-care and maintenance tasks that I'd really like to get back on top of.

I'd like to start bullet journaling again, but in the simplest way possible. I'd like to take better care of myself. I'd like to get more exercise. I'd like to do my hair a couple times a week. I want to have outfits planned ahead of time for the week to save myself time in the morning. I'd like to dedicate some time each week to learning something new regarding coding. i want to take more advantage of social media. I want to have more energy to spend time with friends. I want to have ideas for fun things to do with them. I want to have a more regular cleaning schedule for my home. i want my enviroment to be peaceful and relaxing. i want to slowly but majorly declutter over time. I've got too much shit. i want to have the perfect wardrobe to mix and match and express myself with. I want some nice hair products. All of this seems like way too much and overwhelming. it's hard enough just to get up off the couch after work every day. I just need to do baby steps. Something will always be better than nothing and can only put me closer to where I want to be even if not all the way there.

Britney's memoir's got me in my feelings. It got me to listen to The Woman in Me by Shania Twain on my way to work this morning and for some reason it made me weepy. It was an issue because my makeup was fresh and excellent. i held it together. I must be getting my period.

I'm going to learn how to play that on the guitar tonight. i havent played in weeks, if not months now. Calluses all but gone. There's another one for the list. I'd like to play guitar regularly.

wellwellwell look who's come crawling back. I talked too much shit about having nothing to do at work. I have been truly earning my paychecks for the last couple weeks, which means I have way less time and energy to work on the site.

The party went well! I decided at the last second (like, less than 2 hours before the party) to go as Black Phillip the goat and managed to pull it together with a trip to walgreens, goodwill, my closet and makeup drawer. I'm glad I was able to pull it off.

I can hardly type my fingers are so cold in this office. I'm even holding a sweater. I can't really put it on though because i'm wearing a really cute outfit. I'm so glad I'm still capable of slaying I was worried i had lost the plot. Here's to carrying 90% if not more of this office's cunt levels on my back. My cross to bear.

I'm trying to take the time these days to update my personal style and level up my appearances just in general. For a while in my life I've been going for a really low-maintenence, low-effort slay, which was cute for a while but now that I'm transitioning to my late 20s I feel the urge to get more refined and sophisticated. And that's not to say boring. I think i can still retain a unique and somewhat whimsical quality while being more put together. if anything, I'm having more fun because i'm doing more with makeup and styling and accessories. I'm still not a full glam girl except for if I'm clubbing, and even so I would say my glam is simpler than others, but I think that's true to myself and I'll maintain that while improving the makeup overall. I went shopping on my lunch break yesterdaya and got the cutest little shirt/jacket. Looks very 2005 or earlier. I'm wearing it today. It's so cute I could die.

Bout to have today's lunch break and I bought Britney Spears' memoir audiobook and I'm excited to get into that.

one lunch break later...

The book is great so far I know it'll be over too soon. I love Britney Spears.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. This is huge because i've put off going to the doctor for many years now. i can't remember the last time I went. Must've been the Quack Shack at my college. I'm forming into a real responsible adult who takes care of herself and gets things done.

At least that's the goal. I've got a long way to go.

The extra energy that came with the novelty of transitioning to this new job has all worn away and i am beat by the end of the day. All I can do is sit and rest and fall asleep ridicuously early. No matter how early i go to bed I can't resist sleeping in until I have just enough time to get ready and be 15-30 minutes late. I wonder if ADHD meds would help with that. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm going to inquire.

I'm afraid to bring it up tbh bc the last time i talked to a doctor about adhd medications the doctor shamed me for zhmeauking ouid, told me that's what's making me lazy and said he wouldn't give me a prescription unless I turned in a clean drug test. This was like 3 years ago. Fuck that guy. I've dealt with this shit my entire life. I'm afraid no one is going to take me seriously. I'm afraid they're going to tell me I'm not diagnosable and that i'm just making excuses for myself. I want to bring up autism too but i have the same fears. It'd be so embarassing if they tell me i'm not. I don't know what I'd do. I feel like i need more help than I appear to need. I think I am more capable than I appear in certain contexts but less than i appear in others. I do like my new job but one aspect of it is that there are actual stakes on what I'm doing and there's tasks that truly need to get done. i don't want to drop the ball. I'm doing a decent job (nothing crazy) and I feel like i will burn out, if that hasn't already begun. i wish i couldve taken a month or 2 break from working before starting this job. i could've never afforded it. I'm realizing i felt a lot more optimistic writing the first half of this entry than i do now. i feel so tired. I feel like being left alone for the most part but i dont want to abandon my friends. but really i just want to be cozy in my home not speaking for like, a few weeks. i'll tell the doctor how tired i am. i hope she knows how to help.

It just feels right to make an entry for Friday the 13th, on the eve of a major eclipse.

I've got a party to attend tonight and a witch costume to slap together. I feel like i'm not going to be on par with my friends and I'm sort of worried about that but what the hell can I do. I should've prepared more. At least purchased a hat. Hopefully I'll have time to find one and go home and apply makeup and fashion an outfit that gets the point across well enough. I've been feeling so drained lately. I don't know if i really have a party in me but I think I have to try.

Global, local, and personal events are weighing on me.

I feel like i should really take a break from all this for a bit but i'm not sure what else i'll do all day to pass the time at work. I get all my work done but there's just so much time. Need some good research topics. I'm afraid i'm going to burn out. I'm afraid I'm already burnt out.

I've sort of hidden this page so maybe i can write a bit more candidly.

I've done a bunch of shopping recently. i feel like i might be inspired to start actually styling and wearing cute outfits again. Even though i've been thrifting there's never enough money.

I feel like i'm exploding with new intellect understanding and knowledge with no way to apply it.

I need some nerd friends.

I'm killing 30 mins until I have to give a presentation at work. Never thought i'd be the kind of girl who gave office presentations. Hope i don't make a fool of myself! I won't it's really not that serious.

Came across this concept in an article recently about mental crop cycling and it was neat and informative. i realized that's actually what I've been doing recently with great success! Allowing myself to do cycle through different interests and to do absolutely nothing when i feel like it. It's keeping my momentum going in so many aspects, particularly with this site.

i actually drew something today for the first time in forever. Just a color pencil sketch on a scrap of notebook paper i did during a meeting today. I've taped it up by my desk and i'm excited to do more and over time build up a little sketch/doodle gallery. man, i really recommend getting an office job if you can. There's this weird idea that desk jobs are boring and suck but it's so easy and i have so much time to do little fun things. office jobs are it. get yours today!

Again I am finding myself with not much else to do and it's only 9:55 am.

I was worried my sewing days were behind me but I actually spent some time yesterday cutting and draping and planning a garment. Didn't sew a stitch but hopefully I will soon. Glad to see that door is still open for me.

My relationship to fashion is super weird right now. I'm in a spot where i really don't know exactly what or who i want to be/look like/dress like.

I feel like i've forgottwn how to style or maybe i've come into a new level of awareness where I've outgrown my previous standard for styling without coming into a new one.

I just don't know what's inspiring me at the moment. I'm just a young woman in this world so I'm drawn to the Sandy Liang bows and flowers industrial complex. For a while I really wanted to be more androgynous with like short boyish hair and a relaxed vibe but when I was doing that I never felt like I was living up to my vision, or like it didn't suit me. i just felt ugly and frumpy. I think I need to try to differentiate what I'm attracted to vs what I want to be.

Perhaps a haircut and a bang trim is in order for me. That and some accessories. And shirts. I have millions of skirts and no good shirts or shoes to wear them with. My cutest pair of kitten heels broke on me at the club recently, so i've gotta replace those. i need some new sneakers and i desperately need a pair of flat mary janes and a heeled pair and a pair of chunky brown boots to wear with skrits n pants in the fall. Some socks to make the mary janes work.

I'm loving sheer, lacy, and sparkly materials and I want to be able to layer them effectively. Lately i just feel most comfy/confident in a plain black t-shirt. but i also don't want to wear as much black anymore. And I want to mix it up. I want to move to a lower contrast color-scheme. i'm drawn to red and silver and light blue at the moment (dorothy gail vibes!).

I've been working on my hair and makeup technique but i think i need to dive even deeper and get even better. I can't help but feel like the way I do makeup is not ideal.

let me not be too hard on myself. I'm in my luteal phase with my period nigh so that's certainly affecting the way i think about myself.

I'm writing out of sheer boredom. i don't know what to do. I've done all my little tasks, run my little reports, read some articles, wrote a film diary entry, played with the code on this page, did some target language practice and it's only 10:53am. i suppose I'll end up doing some more reading about javascript. I need more options. An e-book would be good maybe, but I like to be able to take notes while I read. I'm hungry and lunch isn't till 1. I've already drank all my coffee. Will I make it? I hate tuesdays.

I've got an idea for another webpage I want to make but I don't think i can start right now. Perhaps I should just write down some ideas. I used to draw fully fleshed art in my free time and now I can't manage anything but countless (and I mean countless, pages and sticky notes colored black) of DNA spirals. I love doing them (i think it's a stim) but it puts me in such a weird trance when I do it that it feels like it's not good for my brain.

But seriously, I need some productive or educational stuff to do on a computer that is not my own for a few hours a day.

I wonder how much it pays to write for my local newspaper. What's that job like? Maybe I should put some effort into really improving my writing skills. That'd be worthwhile. i'm starting to get embarrassed about the quality of my film diary entries and even these journal entries. I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself but I'll just transform the shame into motivation. That's a new skill I've acquired.

I really want a medieval vibe to my shrine journal and I've haphazardly slapped it together but I'm really not sure how to proceed. I need some more inspiration.

I'd like to compile a collection of recipes that i can turn to for different occasions: weekdays, dinner parties by season, highkey and lowkey, highbrow and low.

I'm realizing how odd it is that my interest in fashion is really absent in this space. I haven't quite worked out how to pull that off just yet. I'll leave this here and keep thinking about it.

Need some more image resources. Where do people get them? Should i like check books out from the library and scan them or? I really don't know.

My brain is kind of too blasted right now to really continue in Absalom, Absalom! at the moment. I'm sure I'll return because I'm really enjoying the book but right now my screen time is too high to fathom the physical page, and I can't read it online because I have been taking notes in my physical book. Now that I'm writing this I'm realizing i could just take notes in my notebook as I read online. i do prefer to have the notes phyiscally near the passages I'm commenting on but honestly am I ever revisiting them? I should stop making excuses and just get over it. Jeez! I wouldn't talk to a friend that way, so i shouldn't to myself. There I go again with should/shouldn't. Whew.

It's 11:14 now, that did kill some time. What else can i do? WHAT ELSE CAN I DO. I'm here till 5. Helpppp

Ok it's now 12:49. Almost lunchtime. I did some clothes browsing, an actual task for my job, and now have a hefty article about feudalism I can dig into for a good forseeable while. Ordered my favorite lunch (chicken shawarma over rice and salad) and it's almost here. i'm freezing to death in the office and my chance to thaw is nigh. i have lots to look forward to.

Things will be ok. I'm more real and solid than I've been in years. I do still feel optimistic. The world is my oyster. i am young and spry with a unique zest for life. I have prospects and will become financially stable. I am full of creative potential. The site is really coming along! I'm proud of my movie blog, i've always wanted to have one and now I finally have one up and running. I'm really proud of myself for so many reasons. It's not that I think I'm destined for great things. that doesn't really matter to me. But i think i have the wherewithal to build a life for myself that is joyful and that I can be proud of. I really want to get better at writing. I always thought I was fine at writing but I realize now I haven't developed my skills past writing essays in college. I want to have a better handle on my thoughts, want to be able to articulate more clearly. Been reading Faulkner lately. Not that I feel like i need to hold myself to THAT particular standard (God he's so good) it has certainly inspired me to take words and the way they're strung together a lot more seriously. I don't mean to say without humor, though. No one cares. Well, I care. I am resilient and resourceful. I can rise to any occasion. That sentence actually struck fear in me. In the past I have rejected the idea that i can or should rise to any occasion because i feared that would invite stressful situtations into my life that I would be forced to deal with. I rejected the reality entirely that I may encounter challenges. I'm trying to let go of that fear because i realize that it's delusional and setting me up to crumple under pressure. i've found that i'm capable of more than i thought and i know i'm capable of still more. Acknowledging that will not cause anything to happen because that's not how it works. I'm trying to unwire my deep-seated belief in jinxes that I alluded to in my last entry. If i don't believe in God, why would I believe in jinxes? I'm trying to be more consisent with my values and worldview.

I try not to believe in jinxes but whew do they feel real! Things are weird! I do not care to elaborate.

My optimism knows know bounds! I am incredibly mentally healthy! i'm being serious! I love my new life as an office girly. I was worried I would lost out on free/creative time but I somehow feel like I have more than ever. I have tons of time to work on the site and I have more energy than I did when I was sitting on my couch all day. I love that things are happening around me now. I feel like i'm on a path to major personal growth. I'm not entirely sure what kind of updates i should put here. i don't want to get toooo personal cause you know, digital footprint and all and i also am hoping to use this site as a resume at some point when i feel like i'm ready to take the plunge into a career in webdev. I know I'm speaking prematurely since this site is almost as bare-bones and beginner as it gets but I'm allowing myself to take my time so i don't get burnt out and abandon yet another prospect for a reasonably lucrative and meaningful career. My fear though with joining the tech industry is it being like Office Space. The ideology of that movie resonates with me so deeply. it's basically how I operated at my old job for a while and I say that with zero exaggeration. I'm kind of just rambling at this point. The point is i've got a bright future!

Been feeling a bit braindead lately so I'm glad I found some motivation to do a bit of work here. Updating for the momentum of it all.

That last entry was obnoxious. Anyways!!

I started my job and i think i'm going to like it! I was worried I'd miss working from home and feel like i made a huge mistake but so far even though I'm tired I'm happy to be out of the house around other people and part of a group. I knew this would be a brand new chapter of my life! I'm proud of myself for making a change.

I think the momentum from having to actually interact with people as myself all day without my customer service character will make it so i can interact more easily with my friends, like have more to say and respond with since i'm like warmed up? idk i'm rambling i'm so tired.

I can't wait to have money and have things i need and feel more secure and to do fun things with my friends and get back into my other hobbies since i now have more confidence that i can break patterns, see things through, tolerate healthy discomfort, etc. I feel optimistic.

I want to have like a little status box here. I'm too tired to do it now but i will soon. OOH i just had an idea like a site-wide scavenger-hunt, but it's like not obvious it's like iykyk kind of like Club Penguin. This better still make sense to me later.

Ok ok i was able to come back after a couple days hiatus so i think this place is safe from abandonment.

I start a new job on monday! Which is an exciting change after working the same soul-sucking customer service job from home for years now. Now I'll have to get out of bed and become presentable and commute and show up at an office at 8 every morning rather than rolling out of bed and onto my couch and clocking into my computer while groggy in my pajamas. It's going to be an adjustment but I think it'll be good for me.

I'm trying to let these journal entries be boring if that's the direction they go. I realize I've developed a tendency over my life to basically say nothing, not to talk about my day or any thoughts i may have if i feel like it's not going to be interesting, groundbreaking. i think i felt like i've been doing it as a courtesy, to not waste my conversation partner's time by recounting the minutiae of my life. when friends would ask me how i am or how my day was or what i do for work i would evade the question, answer vaguely, or tell them it's "truly not worth talking about".

i'm realizing now though that sharing these minutiae is a fundamental part of human connection. i used to be one of those "i hate small talk" people which makes me cringe to look back on. it's such a misanthropic way to go about life. i found that i do care when my friends gave me info about their day-to-day and i don't hold them to the standard of always needing to be interesting. why do i think i always have to be?

i realize now it was unfair and unkind of me to hold myself to that standard with the expectation that my friends wouldn't extend me the same interest i extend them. what do i think of my friends that i assume they wouldn't care if i told them about my day? i think fearing their rejection is an awful projection of some internalized values of mine begging to be unpacked. i realized that level of caution was blocking me from connecting with people on a deeper level rather than cutting the fat and fast tracking to the "good stuff" which is what i think i thought i was doing.

i hope the more i write here the better i get at writing concisely and with a goal. although if i dont and if i continue to ramble a bit aimlessly, i hope i'll continue to have grace for myself and let myself speak anyway.

Uh oh! I think i came in too hot on this thing and I'm gonna burn out sooner rather than later. I'm starting a new job on monday so in any case things will be moving much more slowly around here. I hit a wall. Can't get navbar or sidebar to work how i want. Cant get content centered. Need some new color schemes but don't feel up to making them. I'm proud of how far I've come in just a few days as a complete newcomer. I want to take some time away and read a book.