The Art of Navel-Gazing

February

My only goal at this time is to kill the next 30 minutes until i have to go home. I certainly won't be as insanely productive as i was yesterday but I do plan to do an errand or chore or two which is still more than I do after work on typical days. I think I'm getting sick. Well, I hope I'm getting sick. I thought I was having allergies from the dust in my closet but the symptoms have persisted through my workday. Truly praying I have a minor cold so I can have a valid reason to not come to the office tomorrow. I've already primed my coworkers for that and they are supportive. With that in mind it's looking like i could just stay home anyway but I really don't like lying and am not good at it and it makes it so I can't enjoy the time. So I hope I'm just sick enough that it's valid to stay home but nothing a lil nyquil can't handle. There's nothing that activates my zest for life like not being at work when i am supposed to be at work.

I am off task. Workwise and sitewise. I am rotting my brain with tik toks at any moment I am allowed, which is most of the time. It will become a problem soon if I don't get it together. I have real work to do.

Yesterday I shopped myself into a stupor. I only spent $20 but the hours and hours searching and categorizing was nothing short of dopamine poisoning. To balance that out I purged a lot of my clothes yesterday. Several large bagsfull. I don't miss them. I can't believe I was letting them take up space in my life for so long. That wasn't even the last of it but it was a good start. I am obsessed with decluttering at this time. I'm shedding the skin of post-adolescence adulthood and coming into new goals and tastes and priorities. I expect this will come with some site aesthetic changes as well but I'll take it one step at a time. All i can think about now is having less stuff and better stuff. And that I'm finally learning to take care of myself beyond the bare minimum. I was very into being low-maintenance for a while because of the convenience of it all. It took me maybe too long to realize that the fruits of being low-maintenance are not the sweetest or most nutritious.

This shift in my philosophy seems to be translating to the way I show up for others. I still have this urge to hide and isolate but because I'm trying harder for myself I'm able to try harder for others. I don't know if this is an accurate assessment or like memory distortion but I feel like my emotions and empathy were partially blocked so that they trickled rather than flowed. I feel like I unclogged something somewhere along the way because I feel more real and human than ever and feel in a lot of ways like I finally understand what everybody's been talking about this whole time.

I've been in a period where I've been doing things a little differently than normal just because I can. Like ordering a different meal, trying a new flavor, watching different movies than usual. I find this is a good way to get out of a rut. Start small and mundane and it kind of rewires your brain for the big stuff too.

About to spend my lunch break with a friend which is always a nice treat. I hope when I come back I'll be able to work.


Look Mr. Krabs, I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

I'm working I'm really working! In a sort of scattered chaotic way but getting things done nonetheless. Time is now passing faster than I anticipated. My lunch was fabulous. This journal makes it seem like I'm just living lunch break to lunch break. Maybe I am.


I signed up for this coding gathering thing at the library which I mentioned in a previous entry. Doing things is so appealing when they're far away and abstract. Now it's today and after work and I don't know if I have it in me! Is that terrible? My instinct is to judge myself pretty harshly for wanting to flake. Would i judge a friend as harshly? Of course I wouldn't. Let me be my own friend. I can make up for flaking by making a different positive use of my time rather than continuing to scroll tiktok. Haven't I done enough of that today? I think i should also keep in mind that it's okay to flake and I don't actually need to offset the shame because no one is counting on me except for myself. There's no reason to feel shame at all when I really think about it. I'm glad I can tell myself that. It's one step closer to believing it!

I have to admit doing this kind of semi-public processing feels very strange to me. At the very least it's ruining my mystique! Nah I'm kidding that doesn't matter to me. In all earnestness I think it's helpful and positive for me. I used to let my thoughts rattle to dust inside my head and now I've given so many ideas life simply by typing them here. I was here. I am here. And there's more life ahead of me than behind me ideally.

I know I've been an adult for a while now, but I do feel like i'm entering a new phase of it. In a little over 2 weeks I'll be officially in my late-twenties. I don't feel much changed externally though I know I look my age. I can see it but I can't place it. Not to imply that it's old or anything because obviously it's not. And even if it was that would be fine. We must divest from our obsession with youth. I'm working on it. Almost there. Fletcher and I talked about how watching Sex and the City is healing for us in that way. 30 and 40 something women living their fullest sexiest lives. Now to divest from the obsession with beauty... that's the really hard one and the really important one. How does one reconcile that and the true joy and fun in beauty and adornment? I can't say I know yet. Hey fletch this is a test to see if you read these or not either way is fine heyyyy king!


I made my own dreams come true I purged and organized my closet I feel soooo free. The pile of clothes I got rid of yesterday were just the ones outside my stuffed closet. That's how much shit I had. It took me like 4 hours today but i was in the zone. i'm exhausted. I'm sorry if this is not relatable but I got rid of sooo much stuff and I'm still left with no less than 17 skirts! Pretty much entirely thrifted, mostly for under $10 or $20 and a couple I even made myself. But seriously, 17 skirts and nothing to wear? I need to get real! Now that I can actually see and access my clothes I can be inspired to style and actually wear clothes and have fun and be interesting and make better decisions about what to buy next when the need arises. Until today, I thought I needed more button-down shirts. After the purge I'm left with 10. I'm silly asf!! This was truly a reality check. I feel more than ever like a no-buy is on the horizon. My first. A month sounds scary tbh but I think that's what I'll strive for. I did get some nice new thrifted things delivered today. I'm fantasizing about making a spreadsheet of all my clothing so I can systematically plan outfits and identify gaps in my wardrobe. There's no way I'm doing that.

Song of the day: The Fear by Lily Allen

I was afraid this would happen. After a brief period of being flattered inspired and grateful, I'm suddenly extremely intimidated and self-conscious now that I know people are reading this or otherwise aware that I exist. Lol. Not just people, but people I respect and admire. I felt safer when I thought I was looking up at you all, admiring and aspiring from my rightful place in the obscure below. Now I've been welcomed as a peer by kind, thoughtful,talented folks and The Fear is setting in. My instinct is to retreat and abandon this enterprise to rot and be forgot. I long for the safety of anonymity and invisiblity.

The thing is I do actually enjoy attention and praise. I crave it but when I get it I feel unworthy. It's premature. I've yet to actually earn it.

Yawn. Garden variety impostor syndrome. Awareness that this is a fairly common pathology is not a comfort. There are impostor impostors but I am the true impostor. Yall are not imposting like I am.

I find myself back at a familiar conclusion: get over it lol. Stop thinking about yourself so much. Insecurity in my experience is a by-product of extreme self-absorption. I'm trapped in a spiral of meta-meta-narrative where everything is everything which of course means everything is nothing.


Immersing myself in the writings of others, here on neocities and elsewhere is already proving a soothing salve. I'm happy to be here and to have made your acquaintance, dear reader.


Just had a lovely, invigorating lunch break. I love when that happens.

I shouldn't be here! I actually have serious work to do today and need to be alert and on top of it but all I want to do is write and code.

I was right to think I was forgetting something. I had actually forgotten several things and almost dropped the ball on something really important, not by forgetting but just waiting until the last second to do it. Here's hoping everything goes smoothly. Jeez. I can't help but feel like people are mistaken for putting their trust in me for these kinds of things. I need my first round of adhd meds to just get in fucking stock at the pharmacy. My psychatrist is going to be so annoyed if I see her again next week and still haven't gotten the meds because I haven't been able to make myself call around to find where it is in stock. Eeeee I am in a sea of pickles of my own making.


Everything worked out fine but all my creative energy has dissipated into ether. The muses are fickle. I am a but a husk. Still over an hour before I can go home. If i could rest for a century I think that'd set me right.

Yesterday i was talking about limiting my screen time but I couldn't resist coming here first thing this glorious dark and stormy saturday morning. The sound of rain, the hazy light, the delicious rumbles and cracks of thunder as well as the apocalyptic medieval imagery of the Mount & Blade II: Bannerlord pause screen left graciously by my boyfriend before he left for work playing silently on the tv has created the most glorious atmosphere for my day off. I can't exaggerate the joy I'm feeling.

I sat down to read the book I had mentioned and realized it's actually this other book that talks about the movement from invisible to visible. Either way it's got me thinking about how even though I enjoy reading, I get so excited and ahead of myself that I feel this sense of--despair?--not really the word I'm looking for I'll probably insert the right one when I think of it--that it takes so much time to acquire the information I'm so hungry for. I enjoy the act of reading but what I really desire is to have read rather than to read. Now I realize I have both these books only halfway finished and I'm much further away from knowing what I want to know than I had hoped. It's a silly problem to have. Like, just read and get over it lol. That's what I'm going to do. If I could I would unhinge my jaw and devour books whole and absorb their contents in an instant. My theoretical ideal self knows it is more virtuous to relish in the effort and toil and time. One day she and I will be the same.

Went to this fundraiser thing last night for my play and I was almost too anxious to go. What's crazy is every single thing I was anxious about basically came true and it was all completely fine. I don't even want to get into it but it was all very funny and I laughed my ass off to tears about it. I did not introduce myself to any of the cast except for the director who approached me. It was a miracle i even showed up, so I'm going to count it as a win. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if I chickened out of going when the whole point of me joining this play was to be in community. I'll be friendly with the cast when we meet virtually and then I'll be able to be normal in person. We all have our limitations. At some point I want to try to identify what exactly are the circumstances that activate my social anxiety. Sometimes I am free and loose and charming and uninhibited. But sometimes I'm nearly paralyzed. I thought I wanted to explore that now but I'm deciding to stick a pin in it. I'm done writing for now.

Have a sinking feeling I'm forgetting something important in regards a work thing I have on Monday. Praying it's nothing I can't solve at a moment's notice when it inevitably comes to light. Or maybe I'm not forgetting anything at all? That would be cool.

Not feeling particularly pensive or articulate today. Just faxing scanning typing at my little keyboard all the livelong day, getting a bit of coding in. I'm setting an intention here to go through this book I'm reading on the medieval worldview and write some thoughts on an aspect of it I find myself returning to: this idea of movement from the invisible to the visible as a sign of divinity. I don't even think that's quite right, which is why I need to go back through the book and formulate some real thoughts and make sure I understand what we're even talking about. It'll be good to interact with the things I'm reading. Mostly I just read this kind of nonfiction to satisfy my curiosity and move on. I'd rather have a more intimate and dynamic relationship with the things I read and the knowledge I acquire. I want to work to make it more than just trivia to me.

More responsibility is coming to me at work because I am being perceived as highly competent somehow. Perhaps I am but I am also pathologically resistant to obligation and responsibility. I don't have kids to raise, pets to walk or even a plant to water. I set it up that way. I try to be needed as little as fathomably possible. I like sitting at my desk with little expected of me. I've decided I'll rise to the occasion. I will increase my resilience and my ability to problem-solve and make strong decisions. It's more in keeping with my ideals of community that I am clearly much more about in theory than in practice. It's time to reconcile.

A creator I like on tiktok was talking about ways she's been improving her quality of life and she suggested only using social media during a set time of day "like you're playing webkinz after school" as she put it. I love the image but my issue is when I was a literal active Webkinz player a couple different times in my adult life, i played absolutely all day every day as long as I could. I cannot be trusted to enjoy webkinz responsibly. And I'm wondering if that means social media is something I may not be able to enjoy in moderation. I do love the idea of screen time being a set time of day. But when it comes to neocities, i do it to pass the time while i'm at work so I check it pretty frequently throughout the day. What am i supposed to do instead? Don't say work!

Hang on I'll transfer your call!

I'm feeling better than i did when I wrote yesterday. I haven't shopped a lick today and feel at peace with that. I really should go on an intentional month-long no-buy, though. Next month.

The workday has positively flown by, for which I am grateful; My lunch, however, felt long and luxurious. I walked outside and listened to most of Imogen Heap's Speak for Yourself album and then began Weyes Blood's And In The Darkness, Hearts Aglow album which I'd never heard before. Three songs in and I think it's great. Excited to continue.

For lunch I had a coconut water, spicy pickle snack and a classic turkey lunchable. i was pleased to find that the lunchable tastes exactly as good as it did when i was a child.

I feel fatigued but on the precipice of inspiration. I've done a nonzero amount of work on the site today which is more than can be said for the earlier half of this week.

I'm hopeful about the future. About my ability to function once I finally get ahold of these adhd meds. My fantasy is that I will purge my house of all that serves me not and create a nearly blank slate upon which I can fashion a new aesthetic and in turn a new season of life. That I'll be able to transmute more ideas into action. That I'll finally read all those books I've been saving. That I'll finally craft the perfect wardrobe.

I'm itching to get to work on the play and it feels like it's taking forever. This one hasn't even started and I already want to audition for another. There is a production of Midsummer Night's Dream coming this April for which I fully intend to try out as soon as auditions open. Will probably be a long shot but I am keeping my hopes and dreams alive. I used to subconsciously suppress hopes and dreams because i thought they inevitably led to disappointment. i truly thought it was better, even virtuous to desire nothing. Now my desire is what reminds me I'm alive and an agent of my own destiny.

I have nothing to offer. My brain is mush. All I can do is shop shop shop but there's not enough money money money. I've unearthed a few unused gift cards and plan to do some damage to them. i just don't know what I want to buy first or what I actually need. Shopping for shoes shopping for cocktail dresses shopping for cute tops to wear out to wear to work I need skirts to go out and for work i need shoes i need heels platform heels boots kitten the whole nine yards. i have a closet full of clothes and shoes and absolutely fuck all to wear. I hate my clothes. I hate having them. I am hoping the stimulants prescribed by my psychiatrist will give me the wherewithal to donate and sell the things I need to get rid of. Finally having a professional take me seriously about ADHD could be life changing. If the damn medicine comes back in stock. How is the psychaitrist prescirbing me adhd medication going to tell me to call around to different pharmacies if the meds aren't in stock at mine? Am i not coming to you because I find that to be a completely insurmountable task? I am overwhelmed. i'm scatterbrained and want too many things that are not realistically attainable. Why can I not afford any of the clothes i actually like. Even in the secondhand market. I want to look better. i want to look good. not just good but impressively good and i want people to notice and comment. That used to be my experience when i lived in a smaller town and was at that tender age where everyone is obsessed with you. I cannot think. I am not coherent at this time. I cannot be relied upon to say anything worthwhile. It's shoes it's dresses it's skirts bags shirts and accessories. And perfumes. i want so many perfumes. I want one that smells like pistachios. My birthday is coming up, i can ask my mom for it. I need a desk i need furniture. i want to redo my whole apartment. I have a fucking leopard print palm tree, hot pink giant bean bag chair, and an orange couch. all from facebook marketplace along with every single other piece of furniture i own. It doesn't sound so bad and maybe it's not maybe it's fun but i'm kind of over my house looking like iCarly. I am about to turn 27. I don't think i NEED to grow up or anything I just think i HAVE grown up. I don't want to get more boring I just want my space to be peaceful and sophisticated and just more refined than what i have going on right now. Which given what we're working with shouldn't be that hard. everything i have is shabby seconhand and looks like it's for children. But new things cost money. Secondhand things that are new to me and actually nice cost money too. I can only afford shitty things but i don't want to buy shitty things anymore. I need a desk i need a coat rack. These things i know will change my life. Hopefully soon I will be back to writing coherently and optimistically about things that aren't quite so trivial. I'm being bratty. I must let the brat speak so she can tire herself out and let someone less insufferable take over. Oh would you look at that? Therapist just sent me a worksheet on cognitive distortions. She's just in time.

Yesterday i took a sick day. I desperately needed an extra day of pure rest before I returned to the old grind. It gave me the opportunity to care for my future, soon to be present self by preparing a delicious nutricious lunch of homemade salad (consisting of cucumbers, campari tomatoes, heart of palm, baby corn, dressed with goat cheese and lemon), and a charcuterie-esque selection of sharp cheddar, hard salami, and crisp white grapes. For breakfast I had a strawberry yogurt beverage. I love a varied and dynamic lunch. Bringing my lunch has always been an obstacle for me and I've spent far too much money on takeout and delivery. I've been extremely fixated on food for the last week or so. I wonder how long it'll last. My screen time is way up, taken mostly by pinterest and online window shopping. I must be like super understimulated or something. i'm consuming at unsustainable rates.

Anyway, the sick day. With it I backed away from the razor's edge of burnout. I wish I wasn't burnt out so easily. It's not like I really work all that hard or do anything that stressful. I am grateful and aware of that privilege. Still, 40 hours a week plus lunches so basically 45 hours plus commute time is a ridiculous time commitment no matter how cushy your job is in my opinion. Especially to still be classified by HUD as "low-income."There's nothing I even enjoy doing that I want to be forced to do for 40 hours a week. And some people work even more than that! Whether a product of financial necessity or workaholism, that is terrifying. Workaholism is a pathology I cannot wrap my head around.

Watched this video about medieval peasants the other day. I balked when the historian said that serfs usually worked the land about 2 to 3 days a week! Good for the serfs and all but this depresses me. American work/productivity culture depresses me. I fear the serfs may have had it better.

Welp. I'm stressed. I hate money and having to make it and use it to live. Lease renewed today and my rent balance is $200 more than what was agreed upon. I called the leasing office to let them know hours ago and they said they'd get back to me. They haven't. I'm not paying that extra $200 damnit! Not today not ever.

My birthday is in exactly one month. I need extra random expenses less than EVER right now. I want nice things for myself. I want new clothes and shoes and purses and furniture and makeup and dinners and other fun things. I shopped online for the majority of my workday. Didn't buy anything, just coveted and ammassed immense wishlists on a bunch of websites. Sue me!

I am hundreds of dollars in debt to the tx toll system due solely to late fees incurred on charges that would have only been a couple bucks. My registration is 2 years out, i've already been pulled over for it. There's an issue with my title i need to fix before I can even get the registration done, appointments at the tax office are months out, i'd have to get up extra early and take off work to go do a walk-in, and I think i've misplaced the paper that showed my car passed inspection. The a/c isn't blowing cold and it's unseasonably warm out. It's about to be tax season and I messed up on them last year and I'm scared to see what the damage will be this year. i think it's time to renew my health insurance but I'm not sure where I even need to go for that. I am not cut out for all this bureaucracy. very hostile to my constitution. i don't like having to think about this stuff. i resent it. I'd like to reject it all outright but it's impossible. capitalism is a scourge.

I thought I had a therapy appointment today and i got all prepared but it's actually tomorrow. I'mmm kind of a mess. I want to get started with my play already. I feel so tired. The last few days when I get off work I've just been vegetating on the couch on my phone. I'm somehow understimulated and fatigued and unmotivated. I'm sure it'll pass. It's got to.

I took a walk during my lunch break today and tried on glasses frames since I'm in the market for my very first pair. As of recently my vision is decidedly not as good as it used to be. Probably from looking at a screen so often. I got a good idea of what shape I want and I will try to acquire some similar ones secondhand.

It's good i got some walking in since I will likely continue my trend of vegetating when I get home tonight. Or who knows, maybe i'll break the cycle? Maybe i'll suggest we go out for dinner? It's money but I could really use a pina colada. I want to belieeeve the rent thing will resolve itself.

Admittedly writing for the purpose of passing the time does not produce my most coherent, compelling work. I need 14 more minutes to pass and i need to not perceive them.

A little proofreading and now it's time to go! Worked like a charm.

January

I think of myself as a pretty relaxed, laid back person. But people respond to me all the time like I'm freaking out, so i must be emoting a lot more than I mean to.

I just had the most wonderful, indulgent, much-needed lunch break. I left the office, which I rarely do, and got the exact smoothie and snack i was craving (smoothie that tastes like chocolate covered strawberries, snack of tabouli and quinoa with hummus and olives). I walked over to my favorite curated vintage shop and tried on dresses, though i didn't buy any.

The problem came when it was time to come back to work. My parking garage was full! I had not considered I wouldn't be able to get back into my trusty garage that i PAY DAILY TO ACCESS. I have never had a backup plan. Parking at my workplace is notoriously nightmarish, and I have major parking anxiety to begin with. I panic drove in circles a couple times through the crowded streets, keeping an eye out for some available (paid) street parking, knowing full well if there was a free spot I'd be too scared to take it and would probably hold up traffic for a while if I attempted. In any case there weren't any free spots and I had to park down the street a short walk away and pay dearly for my half day, even though I have already paid for today's access to the garage. Annoying but not terribly disastrous. I just got paid so if it was ever going to happen best that it happened now. I was only about 10 minutes late back from lunch, and it's really a beautiful day.

When i got back i told my coworkers what happened, slightly winded from my rushed walk over. To me it was just a silly little story about a minor fiasco. But i got the dreaded, very serious "Are you ok?" Which I am probably reading too much into and it's actually probably very kind of them to be concerned. But was i really giving not ok? I didn't feel like I was? And i feel like that's something that happens to me fairly often. I'm chill inside but very externally expressive which I think freaks people out a little. It's okay and my annoyance about the issue has subsided significantly since I started writing this.

While away at lunch (i will be thinking twice before leaving the premises for lunch again) i noticed my beat-up yeti cup i received for free from my old job. It's in my cupholder growing a science experiment I'd rather not perceive. My instinct was to just throw it away. I held off. Upon my return from lunch I got a message from HR asking me to choose a gift for completing my 6 month probationary period. The choice was between two yetis! I am resolving to throw out the old, disgusting yeti with its compromised lid and start afresh with my shiny new clean pristine yeti. I will treat this one better. i hated that old job anyway.

It's one of those mornings where I can't find enough to do to pass the time and don't have the inspiration/motivation to undertake an involved endeavor on some page of this site which I know would completely solve the time issue. For some reason I can't think of the other things I do to keep occupied? Can't think of a topic i want to research. Online window shopping isn't calling like it normall does. I'm in a holding pattern with my play because the final script won't be sent out until a few days from now. What else can i do? It's only 11am. I would like to blink and have the day over, or at least the next 2 hours so i can eat some lunch.

Decided to be brave and honest and decline some plans a good friend really wanted me to go to. I feel terrible disappointing them but I feel like I need to learn not to people please all the time because it's dishonest and breeds resentment and i really, really don't want to go. In the time it took me to write that last sentence they responded and were totally understanding. I was silly for being afraid and I love my friend very much. I just recorded an important breakthrough in real time! And that's not to say you shouldn't at times do things you might rather not do for the sake of your friends, because doing that is a big part of what friendship is about. I will continue to remember that and always try to strike a healthy balance.

Well, that killed 20 minutes. Should I just have my lunch early? Maybe the nutrients will motivate and invigorate. I brought sliced cucumbers, baby carrots, kalamata olive hummus and a bunch of baby pita breads. I also brought some lemon and cayenne, with which I intend to douse my cukes along with some salt and pepper. Cayenne in the hummus as well. Now if only I had some feta. I'm in the last few days before my paycheck so i'm in my ice soup era. I may build some kind of food-centric page with recipes and snack ideas and a diary of foods I eat that excite me and bring me joy so I can have a place to refer when I forget what foods I like and are available to me.

Boss brought up that they watched The Sound of Freedom movie over the weekend and I stupidly without thinking responded "That QANON movie?" and started digging myself a hole where I tried to explain that it was propaganda that sensationalizes and misrepresents child trafficking not to mention exaggerates the creator's heroicism and has ties to far-right-wing grops which only continued to offend my boss since they were very moved by the film and explained to me that they take things at face value and don't look into if things are propaganda or not. How do I explain to them that that's not a good thing? The answer is I don't. This is an office. I need to stop speaking and assuming people know the things I know and agree with me about them. I forgot to imagine a world in which my boss was not bringing the movie up to talk about how ridiculous it was, which it turns out is the world in which I am living. This happened maybe an hour ago and the acute physical sensations of awkwardness and embarrassment have not yet subsided. My threshold for these feelings is unfortunately rather low. I changed the subject to a television show we both like. Boss seems recovered but i am SHAKEN. The workplace is such a STRANGE environment with such strange rules and norms and expectations. I too often find myself starting to say things I realize should only be reserved for private conversations with my friends. Not in like a personal-oversharing or HR violation way LOL but i guess in terms of jokes and references and assumption of shared knowledge and opinions. Going to try to be much more cognizant of that moving forward. Also really hoping this does not send my boss who I actually mostly like down the QANON pipeline. WHEWWWWW.

Just took a walk through my neighborhood to the grocery store for the first time in a long while. The weather is just perfect; 65 degrees F and perfectly sunny with not a cloud in the bluest of blue skies. I came across a colony of ants working very hard to carry countless small identical leaves into their hole. I'm unreasonably afraid of most bugs but for some reason ants don't scare me. I couldn't take my eyes off them. I would like to learn some more about ants I think. The way they work together for the benefit of the group is inspiring. As is their ability to carry those leaves that, while tiny as far as leaves go, are huge compared to the ant! I sheepishly admit I'm not a big outdoorsy nature-y person but seeing those ants felt invigorating.

This has been a stunningly lazy sunday. Which I well earned because I spent yesterday cleaning and organzing my room, which is huge for me because it's been a mess for ages and I have a really hard time getting motivated for those things. Having a clean, accessible space improves my quality of life such a ridiculous amount. It makes being productive better and it makes being lazy EVEN BETTER. There's just something about lounging in a lovely clean space that feels decadent and restorative whereas lounging in dirt squalor tends to feel more like rotting. I say that without judgement; I do more than my fair share of the latter.

This morning was spam and eggs and french toast for breakfast, with coffee of course. Very rich and decadent and fabulous. Dinner will be steak and brocolli and scalloped potatoes. Fresh baked cookies for dessert. This will have been a weekend done right.

Starting to get insecure about my chronic myopia. I keep to myself a lot and feel that my focus is turned inward far too much of the time. Even this site is generally an exploration and expression of myself. And I think it's cool and good to have that but I really want to expand. I also fear I over-value my personal leisure. My plan is to get out more and engage with my community. I just spent a couple hours looking for upcoming events like art exhibitions and workshops. I realized the public library has tons of free ways for me to spend my time, learn new things, expand my skills and meet new people. I am so excited to start doing this. I want to actually have something of substance to say that is not about myself. Insufferable navel-gazing is now but not forever. I create the person I am. I'm completely in charge. i love when i remember that. I've struggled for a while with a weak/hollow sense of identity and I think working on this site has helped me profoundly in that regard. Now for a new frontier! I feel like expanding my horizons will help with the identity thing but i'm hoping to set some new, external goals.

Since i graduated college I've been a total autodidact for years. I've picked up a lot of skills and knowledge very quickly and then plateaued. I need to experience feedback from experts again. Getting into this play is one way I'm doing that! There's a coding workshop at the library i'm going to attend. I'm also going to attend a group whose function is to practice speaking spanish to increase fluency, which is something i've always known i've needed but didn't know where to look. I'm glad i still have access to learning even without spending money. Long live the fucking library.

I wish i could write more right now and be more articulate but i'm working at a worse keyboard than usual and between that and my long press-on nails it's a miracle (i tried to spell it myrical for a sec?) i even cranked this out.

I did resolve my saltiness from my last entry. I am inspired and excited and grateful. I just needed to have my moment.

Finding myself growing a bit salty about the (lack of) prominence of my role in the play lol. I had overestimated it. I've got 2 good size monologues but otherwise not much to work with. I need to strangle my ego, weight it down and let it nourish some riverbed ecosystem somewhere. It'll be more useful that way. Theatre is not about glorifying myself it's about putting on a good show and telling stories and capturing the human experience and being part of a community. I have to remind myself often.

I'm resolving to transmute this dark energy into just doing the absolute best I can do and making the most of my stage time, of which there is a good bit even without many spoken lines. I want to breathe as much life into my character as possible and make interesting and memorable choices so that I can really show my potential and that i can handle meatier roles. I'm going to take this as seriously as if I was the star of the show. Keeping in mind I'm a virtual newcomer to the scene, a stranger to the director and certainly rusty after my long hiatus. I still have ample opportunity to prove and improve myself. I'm going to just have as much fun with it as i can and learn as much as possible from the process. I don't know what I was expecting? For everyone to immediately drop enraptured to their knees because i'm taking acting to new highs in ways they'd only ever dreamed could be done? It's a nice fantasy but fantasy is all it is. And that's actually normal and fine. And it's actually like a really good thing that my full potential is yet to be reached. I am imagining it as far away but attainable with sustained effort. That's healthy right?

Trying to strike a balance between awareness and mitigation of maladaptive narcissistic tendencies while maintaining a healthy and ambitious sense of confidence. How am I doing? Don't answer that.


Some time has passed. My work day is thankfully coming to a close. Been doing character research and it's made me grateful and excited that I am discovering and learning with the intention to synthesize and utilize (why not just say use? bc it rhymes duh!) the information for a practical and creative purpose, rather than what I usually do which is gather knowledge voraciously and aimlessly only to let it rot unprocessed in the recesses of my mind until it degrades to nothing. Not to mention it's in relation to ancient greek and medieval history and myth which are some personal favorite niches. Theatre is really such an enriching medium. Not to mention I get a $100 stipend for being in the play when I'd have happily done it for free. It's all a net win DON'T LET ME LOSE SIGHT OF THAT.

YESSSSS THEY OFFERED ME A ROLE which I will surely accept you are now reading the journal of Calchas, Cressida's father (gonna be changed to sister) in Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida. It's a faiiirly prominent role with some good long speeches so I'm happy as a CLAM. I am IN and I am SO EXCITED I had been waiting for this email all day. I'm not hopeless! They could've given me a nonspeaking role or no role at all. But I'm cast. I'm really cast. YESSSHDSJDKJSKJDDKJ i should celebrate somehow??

Tonight I'm saying goodbye to a good friend who's moving away. So that's sad. Life is such a mixed bag.

Bored as helll i'm basically just writing out of habit. Ordered my lunch super early cause i don't know what else to do and I'm so hungry. In no time at all I will be enjoying a delicious mufaletta sandwich, a broccoli cheese soup and some cucumbers with tzatziki. I will refill my coffee when it gets here and have a real sensory experience.

What I should do is log into my other website and work on it. I haven't touched it in a while so it's hard to get back in the swing of it. But I will do it. Sighh.

Submitted my final tape last night. I'll hear back by Friday. I'M SCARED. I think I did a good enough job i should get SOMETHING. Please theatre world! Let me back in! I realized yesterday that i have literally not been in a play for almost 10 whole years... I'm sick!! I need this so bad. I am letting myself yearn. I'm fleshing out my life more and more every day.

I can't believe i was so burned out for so long that I had completely given up on ambition. I had fully stopped valuing it. I'm glad I got it back. i don't need to be the best or a star I just have to want something more!

I say that but i fear if I don't get cast in this play I'm going to go Pearl mode... PLEEEAASSSEEE IM A STARRRRRRRRR

Got a bunch of work work done so i feel like i've earned an entry. Been preparing intensely for my callback tapes for the shakespeare show. I'm supposed to go super over-the-top. It's a challenge but I think i'm up to the task. Having a lot of fun with it. Got one tape done and will be completing the second when I get home from work this evening.

It's not even that big of a deal but I want a part in this show so badly. I'm being really vulnerable by saying that. I'll be embarrassed if I say it aloud and don't get it but I'm trying to increase my resilience to rejection, discomfort, embarrassment and failure. I'm so proud of myself for doing and pursuing so many things at this point in my life. I spent so many years after college doing absolutely nothing. Except playing video games I guess. I haven't been playing much at all for a while now.

Wish me a broken leg! i'm gonna act my ass off for this tape tonight.

Also I'm obsessed with Ariana Grande's new song. I evolve and evolve but some things just never change.

I got called back for the shakespeare play! Still not guaranteed a role at this point but this is a welcome consolation and validation after being so swiftly rejected from the other play LOL. Now i know i'm not hopeless! It's going to be a challenge but i'm going to tackle it and give it my all. I'm a bit afraid to be too excited but if I'm honest I'm thrilled. It was almost 7 before I heard back. I had already pretty much resigned to another rejection but YAYYY. Now I have serious work to do.

Did not get called back for that 2 hander. I had a fiasco where i meant to get there super early so i'd have time to find the building and the theatre. When it was time for me to go, where i'd have been 20 minutes early, i lost my car keys. I looked around frantically for a few minutes before just ordering an uber so as not to waste more time. I'm terrible with directions and i studied a map of the place and had my path planned out to start from a building I had been in before so i could have my bearings. Of course the entrance I was planning on using was locked so I had to scramble around to find another entrance in an adjacent building and by this point my whole directional equillibrium was kaput. i just scrambled around those empty buildings with no one to ask for help just hoping i was going in the right general direction. With 5 minutes to spare, as I was about to abandon hope, I found the fucking black box theatre and made it to my damn audition. There were a few social fumbles and a bit of communication confusion and I was super frazzled and nervous but I think i gave a pretty decent performance considering. It took all of 5 minutes. When i got home i found my keys under the notebook I was using to run lines smh. And it was all for nothing because they didn't call me back LOL.

ok actually i'm trying to not feel that way. I knew this was a long shot but the rejection stings more than I was expecting. I'm now a lot less confident about my shakespeare audition for which i still have another day to find out if i've been called back. But I'm trying to remember that auditions are practice, that there are many factors that couldve gone into the rejection, i could've just not been what they were looking for, or the competition couldve been really good, my audition etiquette may not have been polished enough,i didn't have a headshot or resume though they weren't required but i know it makes a difference, i could have not been grounded enough after being so frazzled, i could just be really rusty after such a long hiatus and no feedback, it could be all of the above. just because i didn't make it on the first try doesn't mean i'm not cut out for it.

In any case I am fighting and WINNING against the temptation to just give up when things don't immediately go my way. This is an opportunity. All the time I spent working on those monologs was not wasted because now i have some good monologs in my back pocket for future auditions. I practiced acting and now I have time to practice more and really refamiliarize myself with techniques and use them really thoughtfully. The time was not wasted. i will keep telling myself that. I will take some headshots this weekend, though I don't know how I'll print them. I'll figure that out. Still no resume to speak of which will be an issue but if i keep focusing on technique and just getting better hopefully i can wedge my way into SOME production sometime soon.

I really need to start doing self-tapes. I tried to avoid them this time and opted for live audtions over zoom and in person. But i think my nervousness hurt the performances that i prepared really thoroughly for. I wanted to avoid it because i felt like i couldnt count on myself to actually produce and finish the video in time and it would just be easier to attend an event at a set time, but i think i just need to grow up and do it. i shudder to think that the outcome of this mightve been different if i had opted to do a self-tape. I've learned my lesson.

OOH if i'm smart I can tie this stuff to the site. Like do the self-tapes and then have a page here where I can post them. Omg that's what i need to do. I have a goal! I will work toward it!

I'm also trying to shake the embarrassment of the rejection. I can't help but wish I had never said anything or told anyone about it so i could fail in private. Buttt I know that it's actually really important to not be afraid to be seen trying and that will include sometimes failing. I will not let this get me down. For too long anyway. i did cry for a few minutes which is my prerogative. But i'm past that now. On to the next. Time to improve.

One audition down!! I did it yesterday over zoom i prepared SO MUCH and it was over SO fast like it genuinely took no longer than 4 minutes to join the zoom, say hello, make small talk, perform the 2 monologues, then do a little more small talk. I think i performed well if a little rushed due to nerves. I find out wednesday if i'm called back. Waiting is agony. Just tell me now!! It's a Shakespeare play with 25 available roles so I think I've got a decent chance of getting SOMETHING ya know? Even if it's a nonspeaking role (tbh i would be sad if i got the nonspeaking role butttt I will also not turn it down. in the spirit of theatre not being all about me.)

Got another audition this evening after work and this one is a much longer shot since there are only 2 roles but I would really, really love to do it. It seems like it would be a fun challenge and yes I am drawn to the fact that with so few roles a lot of attention would be on me. Actors amirite?

Been working hard on my audition monologues. Got 3 of 4 memorized. First audition is in 2 days and the next is in 3. I think I'm on track to be pretty well prepared. I had forgotten how much fun i could have with acting. And how good it feels to have a goal to work tirelessly toward.

I've got a hair appointment here in a bit. Gonna get some bangs. It's been long enough. I've been looking a mess lately. I don't know why. Maybe this will help. Then it's headshots. And then IF i get cast in either show I'm auditioning for I will begin my acting resume and use that to continue to audition for local productions. I'm going to stay prepared to not get cast at all and just keep trying. Bit wouldn't it be great if I did get cast and could just get right into it?

I'm not feeling like I really have my shit together this new year. Haven't really made any drastic changes, though I could afford to. I'm curious to see where this year takes me. I want to be more observant and in turn use that heightened observance to supplement my imagination and just really be on a creative vibe. I think I take the things I see for granted. I don't really really look at details, I just get the gist. i retain none of the nuances and intricacies. i think that holds me back. I need to be able to conceptualize. Everything I create I feel comes from a sort of accident of experimentation. i want to be able to be intentional about my ideas and execute them with a clear point of view. So much easier said than done.

On New Years Day I had the sudden powerful urge to return to the stage. I've decided to force myself into the local theatre scene here in order to feel something. I've got 2 auditions this weekend. I haven't acted in years. I'm terrified to try and even more terrified to not try. I miss acting so much. The last thing I needed was to throw another hobby into the mix but hey at least it's not a brand new one.

As always the fear is that my interest and motivation will fizzle out. But hey! Here I am a few months in still updating the site, albeit much more slowly, but still. It shows I can stick with something.

I've never felt more in my element or such a sense of belonging than I had when I was an actress. Been brushing up on my Stanislavski so hopefully i don't choke and make a fool of myself.

I'm going to give it my all but all I'm hoping for out of these auditions this week is a callback. A casting would be even better but I know it's a long shot considering my competition will likely be people who are currently acting and not rusty like me. They will also have resumes and headshots and I don't have any roles to speak of from the last 6 years. A callback would let me know that I'm not totally delusional. I will keep trying. If I get cast, though, I will be overjoyed. And i will give it my absolute all. i will pour myself into the role. That's showbiz, baby.