Blogiana (Journal 2 the Center of the Earth)

Hotboxed my car and belted both Whitney and Mariah's parts in When You Believe for the Prince of Egypt Soundtrack to my heart's content.

Work's got me TOILINGGGg this is the busiest possible time. It's not that hard or arduous it's literally just paperwork but it's taking a lot of focus I don't actually have. I'm just here to set my intention of locking in and getting it tf done. Then I can come back and kiki with you fine folks. Been doing a lot of stream-of-consciousness writing on random scraps of paper. It's the only grounding technique I know. Sadly witnessing historical events daily at my workplace. Yaaay for the violent suppression of free speech :(

WELP it was much harder to integrate into this group of nerds (not derogatory) than I expected! Only castmate I managed to talk to was someone who was nice though I sensed they'd have been perfectly content being left alone LOL. That's pretty much the only reason I was even able to approach them. There was an impenetrable group of castmates who seemed to already know each other. Please people I'm trying to be in community!! That's the con of this single-rehearsal/single-performance format. I will keep taking opportunities when I get them but whew it's times like these I was better at initiating socially. I can flow and riff and banter once there's some momentum going but I can't be counted upon to get that ball rolling. Reminded me of the couple of times I was the new kid in school where I had to be brave. I tried to be brave last night but this was decidedly a tougher crowd than back in high school.

I struggle to know how much of a conversation is my responsibility to keep going. Am i really that bad at it or are others not pulling their weight? Are there social cues I'm missing? Is there something crucial I'm failing to do to ensure success? I barely know what the hell is going on!

Very distractable today. What's new? Got one more weeknight out ahead of me this evening. Nothing crazy, just stopping by a coffee shop for bestie's mom's birthday. Today feels like it should be thursday but alas that is tomorrow. my intentions for tomorrow evening are to STAY IN AND BE HORIZONTAL.

AGAIN i ended up taking an unexpected journey during my lunch break and walking nearly 2 miles. There was a pro-palestine protest where I work and I got a text alert saying there was police activity in a certain area and to avoid it. Naturally I went straight there. State Troopers left a steaming trail of literal honest-to-god horseshit all down the street. What an apt metaphor. I heard a few people were arrested.

I am not getting enough done today.

Monday is here and I have a full and active day of work ahead of me. I can't say I'm ready but I don't really have a choice. Getting this little entry out of my system before I lock in and waiting for my prescribed performance-enhancing drugs to kick in. I look very cute and office-sireny today so I'm hoping I can get fully into character, clock into admin simulator and actually be productive. Trying to turn over a new leaf this week and set a new standard for punctuality. I was 10 minutes late today instead of 30, so I think I'm on the right track.

I had a super weekend-y weekend. I looked fabulous the whole time.

Friday night was a seafood dinner (oysters and fried catfish oh my) and drinks (negronis) out with my partner and then home to watch a movie (Fitzcarraldo (1982)) stoned and tipsy on the couch. The movie was really gripping but I succumbed to the substances. Fell asleep and didn't finish. Will need to revisit that soon.

Saturday was 4/20 which I celebrated accordingly. Went out with bestie for the tastiest burger in town along and a cocktail which was a success and some pool which was a bust. At the first place we forgot we'd need quarters. We shifted gears to play some free pool at another bar nearby but when my friend and I approached the free table to claim it a man walked up, snatched up a cue and tried to get us to play against him and OPENLY POUTED when we declined! Insanely irritating. So to get away we went outside into the chilly drizzle to share a cigarette and after not too long the man wandered outside and sat near where we were. So of course we went back inside where now both of the pool tables were taken. That man literally ruined everything smh he really had the audacity. So we called it a night. I went home and watched Men (2022) in full. Just now noticing a thematic connection there.

Sunday continued in the 4/20 spirit. Lounged and gamed a while before partner and I went to the natural history and science museum in town for the first time. Fossils and bones and fun facts galore. I love the museum and I will be back. Afterwards we got lunch. I had a beautifully-dressed coney and a couple of latkes and a beer. Lounged and snacked at home for the rest of the day. TV stayed on but nothing was watched.

I know I evoked the 4/20 holiday several times to justify my hedonism but if I'm honest that's pretty much my standard. I might be the most consistently indulgent person I know. It's like a little joke to myself. Just being alive is a good enough reason to celebrate, whether out on the town or melted to the couch.

With all that recounted, it's really time for me to get to work and earn my next celebration, which will of course begin the second I'm off. The resting kind most likely. 3 hours down, 6 more to go.

Been about an hour. Not as locked in as I need to be but plodding along. Got news an influencer I like and have followed for years, Eva Evans, just died at age 29. So bizarre and unexpected and frankly shocking and saddening. RIP Eva, you were fab as fuck.

Back from lunch which I spent walking since it's a gorgeous crisp warm sunny day after a stretch of gloom and unseasonable chill. Ended up going about 2 miles which is certainly more than my usual. Made some arbitrarily different-than-usual choices about what side of the sidewalk I used, which crosswalk to cross at, what store I get my fun little beverage from. It's good to remember you can always do things differently if you want. I've also decided to not care about prepositions at the end of sentences/clauses. I can make that choice! I feel light and liberated.

Realized my dreams of rest and relaxation for the night may not come true as I've remembered a friend of mine is having a party to celebrate the release of their new single and i said I'd go. Monday evening is for sure a choice! I could always bail if I want but perhaps unexpected delights await me? As long as I can get home at a reasonable time it should be okay.

2 hours 20 mins to go

Here I find myself in a desperate and flailing attempt to avoid the very real work I have to do today at the office. A fresh shiny new unstyled page full of possibilities. Hoping to leave pure navel-gazing in the past and come into some new inspiration. We'll see where this takes me. It would be nice to get creative and come up with some fresh new layout I've never tried before.

I'll start with a snapshot of what my vibe is at this time. It will be mundane. Don't feel really compelled to get into the thick of things at the moment.

As I mentioned in some later entries of my previous journal, I'm very much into guitar-playing right now. I picked it up about 6 years ago during college and stayed pretty steady with it until I took about a year or so hiatus from which I am clawing my way out. I'm not amazing at it or anything. Working on rebuilding my calluses (they exist again!) and practicing riffing and picking on my electric which I've neglected for even longer than my acoustic. I'm having so much fun! I'm averaging about 30 mins a day though I skip some days and go longer on others. I don't consider myself a musician. I just enjoy the physical sensations of playing and singing. I'm thinking about possibly recording an original song. Just like, laying down a simple chord progression for rhythm, some little riffs for lead, bass line, drum track and maybe a few layers of vocals, just for funsies and to expand my brain by creating in an unfamiliar and uncomfortable way. Don't really care to have much of an audience for it but perhaps if i do it I can make a home for the recordings somewhere on the site for any of you fine folks who might be curious about my little experiment? We'll see how brave I am if any of this comes to any level of fruition whatsoever. My favorite kinds of songs to play at the moment are like Ariana Grande songs and Christian worship rock from my childhood in the early 2000s. It's very cringe and I am no longer christian or even pro-christianity for that matter but boy are those worship songs fun to play and sing. Watch out, that's how they get ya!

I'm still in a wardrobe crisis. Thinking about doing some gig work on the side so I can buy more clothes without squeezing my wallet dry. My current philosophy is NO MORE BLACK CLOTHES. At least no more black tops. No more black near my face. I have accumulated so many black clothes because they made me feel safe and elegant. I now feel that black doesn't suit me at all. I'm back into color in a big way. I'm inspired by the springtime. I'm trying to embrace a new level of sophistication in dressing where I can still look fun sexy elegant and whimsical without dressing like a college student. No offense to college students. I've been one. I'm just not one anymore. The vibe I'm going for is just my own flavor of stylized femininity. My hair has grown crazy long after a several-years-long tiny little bob era. I'm learning how to style it and make the most of it. I'm improving and streamlining my everyday makeup routine.

I'm opening up and socializing more at work. Building alliances and community! It's nice but it also scares me. Even though I think it's important to heed Jemima Kirke's apt aphorism "I think you guys might be thinking about yourselves too much" to avoid insecurity in socializing, I do worry that my unbridled, unrestrained personality is maybe a bit much for the workplace? I've kept myself pretty reserved because once I get started it's difficult to stop. I highly value grace and tact but the truth about me is that I am bluntly and radically opinionated and even when silent am almost cartoonishly expressive. I can be loud especially when laughing, which I do easily and often, and for reasons that wouldn't necesarily be shared by others or easily explained. I find almost everything funny, really. I try to avoid being obnoxious. I believe I should surely have a filter, but precisely where to place it for maximum expression with minimum offense/putting my foot in my mouth is my eternal battle. I don't need everyone to like me, but i'd hate to cause any real harm.

I've been watching Frasier. I grew up on reruns of the show but now am enjoying it in full as an adult. It's so good. And so bad. Truly a product of its time but so geniously and hysterically funny. I've been in a period of re-watching things rather than watching new things. I don't necessarily endorse that for neuroplasticity's sake but I'm allowing myself to have my moment.

I'm really obsessed with the Roman Empire and especially late antiquity and the rise of Christianity lately. I've been devouring every youtube video and documentary I can on the matter. People who glorify and romanticize the Roman Empire either have no idea what they are talking about or are completely insane/morally bankrupt. Fascinating, yes. Admirable? Not at alll omg what a horrible time to have been alive! Insert Oprah: YOU get crucified and YOU get crucified! I can't get enough! I'm going to watch the HBO Rome show very very soon. I've heard good things.

Getting ever closer to performance day of the play I'm in, Troilus and Cressida. I'm nervous and excited!

Took a break from serious coding these last few weeks. I'm using this entry as a step back in.

Watched my first Werner Herzog film last night and it was life changing. Now that's what I call cinema! I will soon be deep diving into his filmography.

Music-wise I am still obsessed with Ariana Grande's Eternal Sunshine album. She really outdid herself with that one. I'm pretty shamelessly into pop right now. Espresso, the new Sabrina Carpenter has been on repeat since its release a couple days ago. Such a fun, feel good song! I'm wearing an all-brown outfit today that feels appropriately in the spirit.

I'm sure there are other things I could say here but I can't think of any at the moment. That's basically what's happening in my life/going on in my brain at this time. Perhaps I'll be back to add more.

Thus commenses my new chapter. Thanks for reading!

Back from a too-short lunch break. Reading back realizing if I shift my primary goal in socializing from expression to connection that could resolve some of those worries. I'll be keeping that in mind. Misanthropy, cynicism and isolation are decidedly OUT.