Blogiana (Journal 2 the Center of the Earth)

I think of myself as pretty lucky in general. Not to conflate luck and privilege, which I also have. Rarely do I encounter a series of unfortunate that I can't spin to benefit me. Most of my problems are minor and/or solvable withing my means. I'm grateful for that. I'm only human, though, and I developed a cold yesterday which I'm now going to make your problem.

I knew the cold was was coming. I hoped my luck would hold out in regards to timing as it has tended in the past. Satistically, I was due for a loss.

Alas it struck on a Friday afternoon, so the peak of my illness is projected to be over the weekend, thus making it unlikely I will be able to justify missing work (one of my favorite things to do ill or well). I also can't go to my ballet class which I LOVE and already had to miss last week. Next time I get to go it'll have been 2 weeks. I never wanted to take that long of a hiatus. I've decided to do a ballet class at home on Youtube to make up for it. It's not the same but it'll do the trick for now.

The real tragedy, though, is that I will have to miss tonight's Halloween party, for which I'd been preparing and looking forward to for weeks. I wanted to be Glinda the Good but instead I'm a bioweapon. It's okay. I am having an interesting time sitting with the disappointment. I think it's actually healthy for me. I'm feeling a greater sense of connection with reality and also with my teenage self, who felt similarly fairly often simply because I wasn't allowed to do much. But hey! I'm an adult now, and barring illness, I can party whenever I choose these days. It's not my last chance or anything. I don't regret all the time and energy and effort I spent in preparing my costume and just being excited. It means I really lived.

See? See how I spin?

What I can't and won't spin and simply want to BITCH about because this is my blog that I write for free and for my own benefit, is The Case of the Unsmokable Weed. Even though I can't breathe through my nose, party with my friends, or dance ballet, being stuck at home is a perfect excuse to get debilitatingly stoned. Surely I should have a joint or two lying around, right? I'm going to say alas again.

Alas. I was left with loose flower and a pipe clogged beyond usability. Okay. I can deal with this. I set to work with my trusty pipecleaners which, after several infuriating minutes, failed to justify their namesake. The pipe may as well have been filed with cement and now I'm covered in tar. Okay, breathe (sniffle). I'll venture out one last time to the head shop and drop some cash on a piece of glass. I settled on a large lilac, hammer-shaped thing.

Okay so I actually did manage to spin everything. I'm doing okay. I have a nonthreatening (if irritating) cold, friends who will miss me at the party, the power to get my workout in against the odds, a yummy iced coffee, leftovers from chili's, the agency to find more opportunities for halloween fun, the house to myself, and most importantly, Plus Plus Lotion and Smokable Weed.

Yall I had almost written myself off of having a decent halloween costume this year. Didn't think I'd have the spoons/funds to pull off what I really want to be this year, which is Glinda the Good Witch. My bestie inspired me by offering to let me borrow one of their pink dresses which convinced me that my dreams are actually attainable without buying an ugly pre-made costume. I want to look good, ya know? And without breaking the bank.

Now I've found the PERFECT skirt on Poshmark, just praying it ships and arrives in time because it's actually insane how perfect and Glinda-y the skirt is (not in silhouette, really, but in color and texture). It was a bittt of a splurge for a halloween costume piece but it's a lovely skirt I think I'll find a way to wear in everyday life as well.

Still in the market for a matching top to wear. I'm thinking a bra or bralette of some kind, since the skirt is going to be high waist and midi length, so I have to offset the modesty somewhere. It's Halloween after all. If I can't be scary I've at least gotta be slutty.

I found a suitable crown for quite cheap on Amazon and have placed the current leading bid on a very cheap pair of pink satin platform heels on Ebay. With all that and a star wand scepter I plan to DIY (because none of the ones for sale are long enough) and hair curled I think I will make a convincing Glinda. Perhaps if I'm feeling ambitious I can try to make some sheer giant puff sleeves to really set off the silhouette. I am so excited! I really hope I can pull it together!

Welp now I've purchased a cheap bra in the correct color that I plan to spice up with some sparkly appliques so it matches the vibe of the skirt. I wasn't even sure earlier where I was gonna wear this cause I didn't have any official halloween plans yet but now I've been invited to a costume party next weekend! Operation Glinda is SO a go. Praying the shoes fall into place! Perhaps a sheer light stocking is in order. Ahhh I love Halloween!!!

The weather is so beautiful and wondrous I am obsessed with being outside. Every air-conditioned minute I spend feels like punishment. Must we be cold all the time?

This marks a shift for me. Most of my life I've been pretty much content with chilling inside. I'm craving and enjoying play more now than I did even as a child. I don't know why I changed but I'm glad I did. This seems healthier. I love being active!

Even so, it's taking me longer than I thought to get out of my dopamine pit and get back to intellectual endeavors like reading and researching. I'm still not quite ready to crack a book like I wish I would but I'm pleased to say my screentime has lowered and I get tired of gaming after an hour or so rather than, like, 8. I'm still addicted to tiktok, but that, too, seems to be waning.

Gonna just try to keep writing stuff even if it's vapid bullshit. And then I will try not to judge myself too harshly for it. Then I will set a higher standard for myself and try to reach it.

As August draws to a close and I procrastinate the chores care tasks which today I hope to tackle, I feel compelled to do a State of the Cheyenne Address. Just a little check-in about what I'm on at this time in my life.

My overall sense is of contentment and satisfaction, though I feel new goals and ambitions brewing primordially in the shrunken (due to tiktok poisoning, we'll get to that) recesses of my brain. A sense of in-betweenness. Summer's peak has faded. The sun's immense malignant heat and pressure has softened. 90 degrees feels downright crisp. Delicious. A sense of anticipation, an electric hum, cicadas screeching into the warm wet night.

I've gotten better at taking care of my body's health and appearance at the expense of my housekeeping, which has declined dramatically from its peak quality. I'm still doing significantly better than my worst, though, and I feel confident that I will find balance.

I'm more confident physically and socially than I have been in years or possibly even ever. I have perfected my daily signature makeup routine. My skincare is simple, effective and protective. My hair has grown down past my shoulder blades. It's thick and healthy and I maintain it regularly. I have the side bangs and long layers I was obsessed with in my youth. I wear fun flirty outfits to the office every day and get frequent compliments on my style, which is still evolving and has come a long way in a year.

I'm socializing often, making friends and acquaintances and even some enemies. I think that shows that I'm living and expressing authentically. I'm confident in my taste and opinions and always open to changing and evolving over time. I feel more discerning than ever. I trust myself to have my own back in a way that feels new to me.

Every single weekend I walk to the bakery by my house for a large iced vanilla latte. The employees and I now greet each other excitedly and always ask each other how we are and giggle when it comes time to confirm that I do, in fact, want that large iced vanilla latte as usual. I'm drinking that latte now. I enjoy my little tradition.

I've got a best friend and we hang out and gossip and giggle and go out and do our hair and makeup and get dressed together and take pictures and support each other and it's wonderful and fulfilling. It's nice to know best friends can still be made an adult. My best friend enriches my life. We understand each other and are twins and opposites. They have amazing taste and style and are super intelligent and sharp and funny and talented and beautiful and absolutely singular.

I have a kind and generous lovely wonderful partner who I adore and who is also my best friend. He is intelligent and curious and hilarious and creative and intense and silly and talented and imaginative to an unfathomable degree. We've been together a long time.

I'm not addicted to ballet anymore, so I don't do it every day like I did for a while. I still do it a couple times a week and am still attending class sometimes. I've successfully incorporated movement and exercise into my life. With the weather improving I feel very compelled to head to the park with my partner after dusk and play some basketball or tennis. I want to run and play and do cartwheels in the grass.

My media consumption has been piss poor lately, for the most part. I'm addicted to tiktok though it brings me very little pleasure. It eats large swaths of time and I hate and am angry at everything I see, yet I can't put it down. My algorithm is fucked. I would like to take a break. Easier said than done. My attention span is shot due to tiktok poisoning so I haven't been watching tons of movies and certainly not reading any books. I don't know what I'm into on that front right now. Don't know what I'm looking for next. I'm trusting this brainrot is temporary and I will have a reading renaissance.

I'm thinking pretty seriously about eventally going back to school Medieval Studies to pursue a career in academia as a historian. It's not something I ever wanted to be growing up but it's the profession I most admire now as an adult and I think if I admire it so much I should try to be it. A lot of people speak negatively about careers in academia and I'm sure those bad things are true but I think my job being to research the things I'm most interested in would have to be worth it. I don't need to be rich. I just want to learn and discover things and be a part of making that knowledge available. I also think I can incorporate my various talents and creativity. For now, though, I love my life as an Receptionist Barbie.

Needs by Tinashe STILLLL on repeat I cannot get enough of this song

Remember when my blog entries had a sort of narrative continuous structure? Yeah me neither.

My life is quiet right now. Nothing to really report. Haven't really been in a headspace for a while that is allowing me to conceptualize too much about the future. I haven't even been journaling about my day. I can really only live in the present moment at this time.

Work is really slow and yesterday I spent the entire workday piddling away on my phone or playing this game in order to pass large swaths of time. I arrived at work with a fully charged phone, fully ran down the battery, charged it back to full, then ran the battery back down by the end of the day. Classic case of dopamine poisoning. I decided today needed to be different. Today I need to use my brain.

Thankfully I found the motivation to code for the first time in a while. I kind of forced it at first but now i'm getting into it. It's good to get back in the flow. Satisfying.

Ariana Grande Hot Ones episode came out today therefore I am reviving work on the Shrine. Big day for annoying people! The episode is getting great feedback and though I enjoyed it I felt it was a little thin! But as someone who is already privvy to every single bit of public knowledge about that woman, I'll just be grateful for the fun content. Unverified reports of her booking stadiums had me holding out for a tour announcement. SILLY ME.

See what I'm saying? This is the only thing I've got going on right now. Well, that and the ballet.

I finally went to my second in-person class this past weekend a month after the first one. I spent that month practicing almost every day at home in some capacity and I'm proud to say that all REALLY paid off! The first time I went I was in completely over my head. This next time I was markedly closer in level to my peers than last time and I was able to follow along a lot more easily. I still got lost and messed up sometimes, but so did most everyone else! There was a center combination (glissade jete coupe ballone changement x2) that was kicking my ass. I couldn't even try doing it badly because I didn't even have a grasp on what stepsto do at all. After class I got the teacher to break it down in words for me and I went home and practiced, still confused but determined. It finally clicked and now next time I go to class I will be able to actually do the combination. Incredibly gratifying. I am so excited to go back to class! I don't want to wait another month. I had originally budgeted for 2 classes a month but I would really prefer to do a class a week, maybe even more and try different styles of dance as well. I've been working on sorting out my finances and changing my spending habits so I can accommodate that. A classmate tipped me off that they have sales periodically on class packages so I will keep an eye out and take advantage. I'm seeing muscle definition I've never had before. I'm experiencing the endorphins everyone tells you comes with exercise. I thought I was immune but apparently not. Can't wait till I'm good enough to do some real dancing.

Other than that idk what's going on. I'm back to a full work schedule after a bit of a break so I've been really trying again with my outfits every day. Getting good feedback. Feels like people at work are finally starting to see me. Feels good.

I'm supposed to be social tonight but I think I'd prefer staying in and playing minecraft. I'm playing on a new world in a village in a snowy biome which is presenting unique challenges that keep me excited to get back to it. I spent like 9 hours straight building a wall around the village the other day. I don't feel like it normally takes that long.

Oh god im coding on ny phone this isn't right but here I am. I've been soing a lot of singing lately too. Usually I sing and play guitar but lately I've been forgoing the guitar and focusing on vocal technique. It's wild, I really have goten a lot better which makes it so much more fun.

Today marks a watershed moment in the yearslong battle between municipal bureaucracy and my executive functioning: I RENEWED MY CAR REGISTRATION. You know, the one that was 2 years expired? The one I made a FORGERY for so I could appear up to date at a glance and then the forgery even expired.... THAT REGISTRATION. I cannot exaggerate how much lighter I feel now. I can drive in peace after years of every single trip riddling me with anxiety and hypervigilance about police. I feel capable and accomplished. It feels like a catalyst to knocking out other large, long-looming tasks. I was in and out of the tax office in 20 minutes. I feel so silly for how long it took me to get this done but now it is DONE and I can renew online next time which will be much more manageable. I positively HOLLERED with glee as I peeled off my faded, unconvincingly augmented sticker and replaced it with my shiny blue new legitimate one. WHAT CAN'T I ACCOMPLISH???

As haphazardly as I run my life now at my big age I take comfort in knowing I still have my shit 1000% more together than I did say, a year ago or ESPECIALLY 5 years ago. It's crazy how life is just practice for more life. I just keep getting better!

9:07am

Got rained on hard on my way to work this morning. My body is present here at the office but my mind is both everywhere and nowhere. I've been here an hour and I'm still not quite dry. Getting there, though. Other than that I'm kind of living for the gloom of it all.

Stayed up too late last night yapping sipping snacking with F. I'm paying for it today but it was worth it. Shooting the breeze with the mailman your bestie is what life is all about. We're going to go to ballet class together this weekend! I am so nervous and excited.

On that note let me just say I am balletpilled asf. I didn't go to class in studio last week to give myself some time to catch up on the fundamentals at home. I've surprised myself with my commitment and consistency. Normally I have to kind of force myself to do things but in this case I'm having to force myself to listen to my body and take a break. It's a wonderfully refreshing change. I'm notably stronger and stabler than I was when I wrote my last entry and have made ENORMOUS strides in flexibility. I think I'm a week or so off from getting my right splits for the first time in over a decade, and my left isn't far behind. Stretches that were easy and comfortable for me as a teen that became tight and painful and unimpressive with disuse in my adulthood are slowly but surely coming back to me. My body is starting to remember what it feels like to be a dancer.

With all that said, i know that I will still be lost and far behind my peers in class this saturday, but that's okay. I'm going to grow into it but only if I show up and try.

I'm back on a bit of a Minecraft kick at the moment. Maybe that's premature to say. I started a new world a couple days ago and played for one session. I'm looking forward to my next chance to play which I hope is today. I sort of want to blog about it but I also sort of just want to enjoy the game really slowly without pressure. Maybe I'll just update once I've done something cool.

Would really love for this day to breeze by. Judging by how little time has passed since I started writing this (24 minutes) and how long it felt, I'm not sure I'll get my wish.

I'm leaning into the gloom today but not in a despairing way. Just allowing myself to enjoy the full spectrum of human experience, even if that's being damp and bored and sleepy and distracted.

10:05am

Hey I'm dry! Downright cozy, even.

I was supposed to "work" from home today and I had all these plans and then I found out at 5:30 this morning I'd have to come in anyway so my attitude today is TERRIBLE and I reserve that right! I will survive and probably find something to be grateful for today but for now I am mad as hell. All I can say is my coworker better be sick as HELL cause this was supposed to be her one day in office this week. Here I am just complaining. Nobody gives a fuck. Hell I barely gaf after writing all that. Guess I'm over it. I got ready super fast today and still look really cute somehow, so that's helping.

Not sure how I want to spend my day. I kind of coded myself into oblivion this past week. Don't feel super motivated to draw but maybe I can force myself?

What I really want to do is brush up on my ballet with some classes on youtube to prepare for the in-person classes I'm about to take, which is the one thing I can't do while at work. I did one yesterday and I knew I'd be rusty and basically starting from the beginning but WOW I'll need a lot more work than I thought. It's not often that I'm motivated to exercise, so this opportunity I've lost today feels like a waste of a precious, finite, and ethereal resource. I'm getting mad again. I can probably reframe that. It isn't truly finite or etheral. Motvation comes and goes. I could probably even still do it after work. If I'm really as about it as I say I am. I'll make that my goal. I could probably be doing this mundane processing in my own private journal but whatever. I'm judging everything I'm doing right now. Let me relax.

I did go to the dance supply store yesterday and got some ballet technique shoes and some convertible tights. And a really awesome hot pink vintage athletic bag from goodwill for like no money that will serve as my new dance bag. Pretending and fantasizing that my goal is to become a Prima Ballerina just to make sure I follow through on going to these classes. You'd think the investments I've made in shoes, tights, and pre-paid classes would be enough but if you have ADHD you know it isn't. I must create a rich inner world which makes me want to follow through. I enjoy being home on the couch way too much. But I've been wanting to get back into ballet basically ever since I quit over a decade ago, so it's important I keep this commitment for myself. My less outlandish but still fantastical fantasy is that I will pick back up on it super fast and progress to the intermediate level within just a couple months. I want to go en pointe so bad!!! But let me not get ahead of myself. I probably won't be able to do that without taking consistent classes for at least a year. Bit I'll keep dreaming. The time will pass anyway. Just gotta make sure I use it.

Ultimately I think it'd be really cool to participate in a showcase or performance once I've taken enough classes. As a child I never fit in to the dance world. There's just something about the personalities there that never meshed with mine. I hated dance when I was forced to do it from grades 3-7, but when I returned voluntarily in grade 10 I absolutely loved it, but I still did not fit or get along with most of my peers there (as opposed to theatre which I did at the same time, where I fit in beautifully). I'm curious to see if that will hold true into my adulthood. It'd be awesome if it was different and I manage to make some friends. Either way, I'm going to embrace and focus on the dancing and let everything else be what it is.

Here's to a new chapter! I started this year off by setting my sights on being in a play and I accomplished that. Let the ballet era commense!!

I once again want to thank the performance-enhancing drugs for giving me the strength to code today.

I must admit I'm just writing here cause I feel like it's been too long. What's up how's it goin? I'm in kind of a slump after a couple weeks back there of hyperproductivity and heightened energy and inspiration. Trying to be at peace with the ebb after the flow and trust that the flow will return.

I've been talking so much about summer but now it's official! Care to join me for a little solstice caroling?

Walkininthegrassitssofinedontneedshoesinthesummertiiiiime!

Thank you performance-enhancing drugs for giving me the strength to code today.

I just knew this vacation would feel too short. Going back to work tomorrow. Blahhh.

I've gotten a ton done this week and feel really tapped into my creative energy. I'm making moves and accomplishing more in a week than I used to in a month or 6. I have somehow rewired my brain to finally stop paralyzing at the thought of doing creative tasks.

I've just given myself the most fabulous manicure. Tapping back into my high school self who used to DIY designs into my nails on an at least weekly basis. They turned out so cute I may post a pic somewhere. Just gotta figure out if it already has a home or if i need to create one.

feeling annoyed a little overstimulated but very alive. feel like i'm running out of time.

My week off is upon me! I am accomplishing so much. Getting my life together. Resting. Swimming. Doing things in new exciting ways. Making delicious salads. Having new ideas. Journaling a lot, on paper for myself. Just spent some time dancing around the house with my headphones on singing out loud. I'm feeling so optimistic.

I'm treating summer as something to be festive about, like christmas. Creating a feast for my senses that evokes the summertime theme any way I can. Got this GORGEOUS perfume sample where the notes are suncreen and beach ball. It makes me smell like a literal plastic barbie doll or pool toy and I am obsessed THIS is what I mean by festive! Got a gorgeous pina colada scented lotion today. I plan to spend as much time as possible at the pool this summer. I've neglected it in the past and I can't stand it anymore. This is my aquamarine highschoolmusical2 making bucket lists in gel pen summer.

OH also I almost forgot! The play! It went well. It was silly and chaotic and came together kind of miraculously. That first run through at rehearsal was rough but we pulled through. I'm glad i did it.

I arrived home yesterday prepared to dispose of the dried, sad corpse of the unfortunate moth that flew into mouthwash only to find that it had disappeared. Like it literally despawned. I was relieved to be saved from the icky task but now I am uneasy that I don't know where it is. I preferred when I could keep an eye on it.

I could not be more relieved that it's friday. One more week of work and then MY WEEK OF REST AND RELAXATION IS UPON ME. Tomorrow I have plans to play pool with my bestie. Today I'm hoping to have a savory indulgent dinner and a cute cocktail. I can't wait for my lunch break today. I'm going to make the most of it.

I was technically on time to work today which is good because it means my boss isn't tutting at me but it's sad because it makes the day go by so much slower. There's something magical about getting to work knowing 40 mins of your workday are already past. But alas, there are consequences.

My job's slow period has officially begun and I plan to take advantage of it by doing some arts and crafts at my desk. I'm plotting somethign that might end up a part of the site but I don't want to talk about it and get fulfillment from that and then never do it. I am like a skittish but useful animal who can only operate under the most pristine circumstances.

I was criminally lazy this weekend. I played Crusader Kings 3 until my eyes melted out of my skull. Didn't go out. Didn't do much in the way of care tasks besides a haphazard load of laundry and blowing out my hair. I wish I was still at home gaming.

I'm going to this social retreat thing for work tomorrow. It's a gathering at a river house with a bunch of my coworkers. What the hell do you wear to something like that? I realized I have nothing. I planned since friday to take some time to hit up a thrift store or two to see if I could come up with something. In my laziness (i'm being too hard on myself... i forgot I was also feeling sick) moment of rest and relaxation I just didn't get around to it. My plan was to go today at lunch since it's basically my last chance but now there is a severe thunderstorm warning and it's slated to hit basically around when I leave for lunch. I'm still going to go but it will definitely be a lot less chill than I would've hoped. Did not wear the right shoes for this lol. And so much for my blowout!

Success! I had to brave the rain and spent more than I hoped I'd have to but I am now the proud owner of a cute vintage romper from the 90s that will do for the river thing tomorrow. It's not really all that modest but it's got the vitals covered and that's all that matters to me. It's a blue plaid with buttons and a plunging neckline. I'll probably layer it with a tank top or t shirt for tomorrow's thing. Otherwise for non-work endeavors I'd forgo the layering in favor of showing more skin. Hopefully the shortness of my shorts does not offend.

Hotboxed my car and belted both Whitney and Mariah's parts in When You Believe for the Prince of Egypt Soundtrack to my heart's content.

Work's got me TOILINGGGg this is the busiest possible time. It's not that hard or arduous it's literally just paperwork but it's taking a lot of focus I don't actually have. I'm just here to set my intention of locking in and getting it tf done. Then I can come back and kiki with you fine folks. Been doing a lot of stream-of-consciousness writing on random scraps of paper. It's the only grounding technique I know. Sadly witnessing historical events daily at my workplace. Yaaay for the violent suppression of free speech :(

WELP it was much harder to integrate into this group of nerds (not derogatory) than I expected! Only castmate I managed to talk to was someone who was nice though I sensed they'd have been perfectly content being left alone LOL. That's pretty much the only reason I was even able to approach them. There was an impenetrable group of castmates who seemed to already know each other. Please people I'm trying to be in community!! That's the con of this single-rehearsal/single-performance format. I will keep taking opportunities when I get them but whew it's times like these I was better at initiating socially. I can flow and riff and banter once there's some momentum going but I can't be counted upon to get that ball rolling. Reminded me of the couple of times I was the new kid in school where I had to be brave. I tried to be brave last night but this was decidedly a tougher crowd than back in high school.

I struggle to know how much of a conversation is my responsibility to keep going. Am i really that bad at it or are others not pulling their weight? Are there social cues I'm missing? Is there something crucial I'm failing to do to ensure success? I barely know what the hell is going on!

Very distractable today. What's new? Got one more weeknight out ahead of me this evening. Nothing crazy, just stopping by a coffee shop for bestie's mom's birthday. Today feels like it should be thursday but alas that is tomorrow. my intentions for tomorrow evening are to STAY IN AND BE HORIZONTAL.

AGAIN i ended up taking an unexpected journey during my lunch break and walking nearly 2 miles. There was a pro-palestine protest where I work and I got a text alert saying there was police activity in a certain area and to avoid it. Naturally I went straight there. State Troopers left a steaming trail of literal honest-to-god horseshit all down the street. What an apt metaphor. I heard a few people were arrested.

I am not getting enough done today.

Monday is here and I have a full and active day of work ahead of me. I can't say I'm ready but I don't really have a choice. Getting this little entry out of my system before I lock in and waiting for my prescribed performance-enhancing drugs to kick in. I look very cute and office-sireny today so I'm hoping I can get fully into character, clock into admin simulator and actually be productive. Trying to turn over a new leaf this week and set a new standard for punctuality. I was 10 minutes late today instead of 30, so I think I'm on the right track.

I had a super weekend-y weekend. I looked fabulous the whole time.

Friday night was a seafood dinner (oysters and fried catfish oh my) and drinks (negronis) out with my partner and then home to watch a movie (Fitzcarraldo (1982)) stoned and tipsy on the couch. The movie was really gripping but I succumbed to the substances. Fell asleep and didn't finish. Will need to revisit that soon.

Saturday was 4/20 which I celebrated accordingly. Went out with bestie for the tastiest burger in town along and a cocktail which was a success and some pool which was a bust. At the first place we forgot we'd need quarters. We shifted gears to play some free pool at another bar nearby but when my friend and I approached the free table to claim it a man walked up, snatched up a cue and tried to get us to play against him and OPENLY POUTED when we declined! Insanely irritating. So to get away we went outside into the chilly drizzle to share a cigarette and after not too long the man wandered outside and sat near where we were. So of course we went back inside where now both of the pool tables were taken. That man literally ruined everything smh he really had the audacity. So we called it a night. I went home and watched Men (2022) in full. Just now noticing a thematic connection there.

Sunday continued in the 4/20 spirit. Lounged and gamed a while before partner and I went to the natural history and science museum in town for the first time. Fossils and bones and fun facts galore. I love the museum and I will be back. Afterwards we got lunch. I had a beautifully-dressed coney and a couple of latkes and a beer. Lounged and snacked at home for the rest of the day. TV stayed on but nothing was watched.

I know I evoked the 4/20 holiday several times to justify my hedonism but if I'm honest that's pretty much my standard. I might be the most consistently indulgent person I know. It's like a little joke to myself. Just being alive is a good enough reason to celebrate, whether out on the town or melted to the couch.

With all that recounted, it's really time for me to get to work and earn my next celebration, which will of course begin the second I'm off. The resting kind most likely. 3 hours down, 6 more to go.

Been about an hour. Not as locked in as I need to be but plodding along. Got news an influencer I like and have followed for years, Eva Evans, just died at age 29. So bizarre and unexpected and frankly shocking and saddening. RIP Eva, you were fab as fuck.

Back from lunch which I spent walking since it's a gorgeous crisp warm sunny day after a stretch of gloom and unseasonable chill. Ended up going about 2 miles which is certainly more than my usual. Made some arbitrarily different-than-usual choices about what side of the sidewalk I used, which crosswalk to cross at, what store I get my fun little beverage from. It's good to remember you can always do things differently if you want. I've also decided to not care about prepositions at the end of sentences/clauses. I can make that choice! I feel light and liberated.

Realized my dreams of rest and relaxation for the night may not come true as I've remembered a friend of mine is having a party to celebrate the release of their new single and i said I'd go. Monday evening is for sure a choice! I could always bail if I want but perhaps unexpected delights await me? As long as I can get home at a reasonable time it should be okay.

2 hours 20 mins to go

Here I find myself in a desperate and flailing attempt to avoid the very real work I have to do today at the office. A fresh shiny new unstyled page full of possibilities. Hoping to leave pure navel-gazing in the past and come into some new inspiration. We'll see where this takes me. It would be nice to get creative and come up with some fresh new layout I've never tried before.

I'll start with a snapshot of what my vibe is at this time. It will be mundane. Don't feel really compelled to get into the thick of things at the moment.

As I mentioned in some later entries of my previous journal, I'm very much into guitar-playing right now. I picked it up about 6 years ago during college and stayed pretty steady with it until I took about a year or so hiatus from which I am clawing my way out. I'm not amazing at it or anything. Working on rebuilding my calluses (they exist again!) and practicing riffing and picking on my electric which I've neglected for even longer than my acoustic. I'm having so much fun! I'm averaging about 30 mins a day though I skip some days and go longer on others. I don't consider myself a musician. I just enjoy the physical sensations of playing and singing. I'm thinking about possibly recording an original song. Just like, laying down a simple chord progression for rhythm, some little riffs for lead, bass line, drum track and maybe a few layers of vocals, just for funsies and to expand my brain by creating in an unfamiliar and uncomfortable way. Don't really care to have much of an audience for it but perhaps if i do it I can make a home for the recordings somewhere on the site for any of you fine folks who might be curious about my little experiment? We'll see how brave I am if any of this comes to any level of fruition whatsoever. My favorite kinds of songs to play at the moment are like Ariana Grande songs and Christian worship rock from my childhood in the early 2000s. It's very cringe and I am no longer christian or even pro-christianity for that matter but boy are those worship songs fun to play and sing. Watch out, that's how they get ya!

I'm still in a wardrobe crisis. Thinking about doing some gig work on the side so I can buy more clothes without squeezing my wallet dry. My current philosophy is NO MORE BLACK CLOTHES. At least no more black tops. No more black near my face. I have accumulated so many black clothes because they made me feel safe and elegant. I now feel that black doesn't suit me at all. I'm back into color in a big way. I'm inspired by the springtime. I'm trying to embrace a new level of sophistication in dressing where I can still look fun sexy elegant and whimsical without dressing like a college student. No offense to college students. I've been one. I'm just not one anymore. The vibe I'm going for is just my own flavor of stylized femininity. My hair has grown crazy long after a several-years-long tiny little bob era. I'm learning how to style it and make the most of it. I'm improving and streamlining my everyday makeup routine.

I'm opening up and socializing more at work. Building alliances and community! It's nice but it also scares me. Even though I think it's important to heed Jemima Kirke's apt aphorism "I think you guys might be thinking about yourselves too much" to avoid insecurity in socializing, I do worry that my unbridled, unrestrained personality is maybe a bit much for the workplace? I've kept myself pretty reserved because once I get started it's difficult to stop. I highly value grace and tact but the truth about me is that I am bluntly and radically opinionated and even when silent am almost cartoonishly expressive. I can be loud especially when laughing, which I do easily and often, and for reasons that wouldn't necesarily be shared by others or easily explained. I find almost everything funny, really. I try to avoid being obnoxious. I believe I should surely have a filter, but precisely where to place it for maximum expression with minimum offense/putting my foot in my mouth is my eternal battle. I don't need everyone to like me, but i'd hate to cause any real harm.

I've been watching Frasier. I grew up on reruns of the show but now am enjoying it in full as an adult. It's so good. And so bad. Truly a product of its time but so geniously and hysterically funny. I've been in a period of re-watching things rather than watching new things. I don't necessarily endorse that for neuroplasticity's sake but I'm allowing myself to have my moment.

I'm really obsessed with the Roman Empire and especially late antiquity and the rise of Christianity lately. I've been devouring every youtube video and documentary I can on the matter. People who glorify and romanticize the Roman Empire either have no idea what they are talking about or are completely insane/morally bankrupt. Fascinating, yes. Admirable? Not at alll omg what a horrible time to have been alive! Insert Oprah: YOU get crucified and YOU get crucified! I can't get enough! I'm going to watch the HBO Rome show very very soon. I've heard good things.

Getting ever closer to performance day of the play I'm in, Troilus and Cressida. I'm nervous and excited!

Took a break from serious coding these last few weeks. I'm using this entry as a step back in.

Watched my first Werner Herzog film last night and it was life changing. Now that's what I call cinema! I will soon be deep diving into his filmography.

Music-wise I am still obsessed with Ariana Grande's Eternal Sunshine album. She really outdid herself with that one. I'm pretty shamelessly into pop right now. Espresso, the new Sabrina Carpenter has been on repeat since its release a couple days ago. Such a fun, feel good song! I'm wearing an all-brown outfit today that feels appropriately in the spirit.

I'm sure there are other things I could say here but I can't think of any at the moment. That's basically what's happening in my life/going on in my brain at this time. Perhaps I'll be back to add more.

Thus commenses my new chapter. Thanks for reading!

Back from a too-short lunch break. Reading back realizing if I shift my primary goal in socializing from expression to connection that could resolve some of those worries. I'll be keeping that in mind. Misanthropy, cynicism and isolation are decidedly OUT.