Blogiana (Journal 2 the Center of the Earth)

7/18/2024

sleeby

9:07am

Got rained on hard on my way to work this morning. My body is present here at the office but my mind is both everywhere and nowhere. I've been here an hour and I'm still not quite dry. Getting there, though. Other than that I'm kind of living for the gloom of it all.

Stayed up too late last night yapping sipping snacking with F. I'm paying for it today but it was worth it. Shooting the breeze with the mailman your bestie is what life is all about. We're going to go to ballet class together this weekend! I am so nervous and excited.

On that note let me just say I am balletpilled asf. I didn't go to class in studio last week to give myself some time to catch up on the fundamentals at home. I've surprised myself with my commitment and consistency. Normally I have to kind of force myself to do things but in this case I'm having to force myself to listen to my body and take a break. It's a wonderfully refreshing change. I'm notably stronger and stabler than I was when I wrote my last entry and have made ENORMOUS strides in flexibility. I think I'm a week or so off from getting my right splits for the first time in over a decade, and my left isn't far behind. Stretches that were easy and comfortable for me as a teen that became tight and painful and unimpressive with disuse in my adulthood are slowly but surely coming back to me. My body is starting to remember what it feels like to be a dancer.

With all that said, i know that I will still be lost and far behind my peers in class this saturday, but that's okay. I'm going to grow into it but only if I show up and try.

I'm back on a bit of a Minecraft kick at the moment. Maybe that's premature to say. I started a new world a couple days ago and played for one session. I'm looking forward to my next chance to play which I hope is today. I sort of want to blog about it but I also sort of just want to enjoy the game really slowly without pressure. Maybe I'll just update once I've done something cool.

Would really love for this day to breeze by. Judging by how little time has passed since I started writing this (24 minutes) and how long it felt, I'm not sure I'll get my wish.

I'm leaning into the gloom today but not in a despairing way. Just allowing myself to enjoy the full spectrum of human experience, even if that's being damp and bored and sleepy and distracted.

10:05am

Hey I'm dry! Downright cozy, even.

7/6/2024

4th of July, character building

Spent 4th of july day drinking in the pool then venturing downtown for more drinking but this time with a ridiculously delicious burger. Could I have asked for much more? While at the pool a dude walking around the complex passed by and wordlessly set a large rubber ducky caked with dirt into the pool area before walking away. We inspected the duck which by all accounts was just an ordinary duck with nothing going on. I wonder if he did it just to make me wonder like this.

Last night I went to a nighttime birthday celebration at this lovely grassy circle set with a long table in the middle and surrounded by 46 trees (we counted). It wasn't exactly a public space. It could be rented out for "community sponsored events" but not birthday parties apparently. The plan was to just stay until someone asked us to leave. We ate fruit and cobbler, drank hard kombucha, and made merry until the sprinklers came on and doused us, the cue we'd been waiting for. We quickly packed up the picnic, laughing all the while and loitered at a scuplture across the street for a bit before we called it a night.

I just got back from my first ballet class in over a decade and whooaaa boy was that humbling! I have a lot of catching up to do! More than I thought. I can do it it'll just be a challenge, which I'm willing to take. I'm proud of myself for going. It was fun being at the studio, even though it was super intimidating. My body has been pushed in a way that feels rewarding. Growing resilience to uncertain situations. Unlocked dance studio as a new location!! Feeling good.

7/3/2024

Robbed

I was supposed to "work" from home today and I had all these plans and then I found out at 5:30 this morning I'd have to come in anyway so my attitude today is TERRIBLE and I reserve that right! I will survive and probably find something to be grateful for today but for now I am mad as hell. All I can say is my coworker better be sick as HELL cause this was supposed to be her one day in office this week. Here I am just complaining. Nobody gives a fuck. Hell I barely gaf after writing all that. Guess I'm over it. I got ready super fast today and still look really cute somehow, so that's helping.

Not sure how I want to spend my day. I kind of coded myself into oblivion this past week. Don't feel super motivated to draw but maybe I can force myself?

What I really want to do is brush up on my ballet with some classes on youtube to prepare for the in-person classes I'm about to take, which is the one thing I can't do while at work. I did one yesterday and I knew I'd be rusty and basically starting from the beginning but WOW I'll need a lot more work than I thought. It's not often that I'm motivated to exercise, so this opportunity I've lost today feels like a waste of a precious, finite, and ethereal resource. I'm getting mad again. I can probably reframe that. It isn't truly finite or etheral. Motvation comes and goes. I could probably even still do it after work. If I'm really as about it as I say I am. I'll make that my goal. I could probably be doing this mundane processing in my own private journal but whatever. I'm judging everything I'm doing right now. Let me relax.

I did go to the dance supply store yesterday and got some ballet technique shoes and some convertible tights. And a really awesome hot pink vintage athletic bag from goodwill for like no money that will serve as my new dance bag. Pretending and fantasizing that my goal is to become a Prima Ballerina just to make sure I follow through on going to these classes. You'd think the investments I've made in shoes, tights, and pre-paid classes would be enough but if you have ADHD you know it isn't. I must create a rich inner world which makes me want to follow through. I enjoy being home on the couch way too much. But I've been wanting to get back into ballet basically ever since I quit over a decade ago, so it's important I keep this commitment for myself. My less outlandish but still fantastical fantasy is that I will pick back up on it super fast and progress to the intermediate level within just a couple months. I want to go en pointe so bad!!! But let me not get ahead of myself. I probably won't be able to do that without taking consistent classes for at least a year. Bit I'll keep dreaming. The time will pass anyway. Just gotta make sure I use it.

Ultimately I think it'd be really cool to participate in a showcase or performance once I've taken enough classes. As a child I never fit in to the dance world. There's just something about the personalities there that never meshed with mine. I hated dance when I was forced to do it from grades 3-7, but when I returned voluntarily in grade 10 I absolutely loved it, but I still did not fit or get along with most of my peers there (as opposed to theatre which I did at the same time, where I fit in beautifully). I'm curious to see if that will hold true into my adulthood. It'd be awesome if it was different and I manage to make some friends. Either way, I'm going to embrace and focus on the dancing and let everything else be what it is.

Here's to a new chapter! I started this year off by setting my sights on being in a play and I accomplished that. Let the ballet era commense!!


I once again want to thank the performance-enhancing drugs for giving me the strength to code today.

7/1/2024

Texas Chainsaw

I had such a fun weekend! Spent most of it coding, working on this insane shrine to Ariana Grande.

Yesterday I took a break from that to have A Very Texas Chainsaw Massacre Sunday! Started the day off with breakfast and watching the movie, then for the afternoon took a short drive to the gas station where they literally filmed it!!! I can't believe I hadn't gone sooner seeing as it's literally right in my back yard and it's one of my favorite movies of all time. They had the van from the movie there and a horror themed gift shop inside. They also sell barbecue, so we had that for lunch. It was so much fun! I'm really glad I got to go.

Decided yesterday that I am going to take some ballet classes. I'm signing up for my first one this saturday. I haven't done it in years and I'm crazy rusty but I miss it so much and feel like it'll be a good way to get some exercise since I'm not otherwise inclined. I'm excited to go to the dance supply shop and buy a pair of shoes and a leotard and some tights. Ballerina era loading!!!!! I cannot waiitittijfdkfjf I hope this motivation lasts.

Oh and I almost forgot! I just got my first pair of eyeglasses. I can see again!! I had forgotten you're supposed to be able to see the individual leaves on trees. I love my new look as a glasses girl! I feel so much more accessorized! Kid me who wanted glasses but had too good of eyesight would be sooo thrilled. I look so smart and cute now!!! Yayyy.

6/21/2024

Here comes Bloggy McBloggerson 🙄

I must admit I'm just writing here cause I feel like it's been too long. What's up how's it goin? I'm in kind of a slump after a couple weeks back there of hyperproductivity and heightened energy and inspiration. Trying to be at peace with the ebb after the flow and trust that the flow will return.

I've been talking so much about summer but now it's official! Care to join me for a little solstice caroling?

Walkininthegrassitssofinedontneedshoesinthesummertiiiiime!


Thank you performance-enhancing drugs for giving me the strength to code today.

6/11/2024

Been a minute!

I have been really fulfilled by privately (and constantly) journaling and thus have not felt the need to post here.

I'm cycling through so much. A couple weeks ago it was the dolls, then i was really into coding for a sec, the last week or so I've been drawing. Yesterday at work I completed a landscape in colored pencil and hung it up at my desk. I don't think my boss approves but she's too concerned with being likable to ask me to stop. It's our slow season. I'm taking advantage. I think I got what I needed out of the landscape. I don't feel compelled to start another.

This past weekend was sooo weekend. Friday night I played a session of the tabletop RPG my partner wrote. Saturday night I went to the club with F. We got all dolled up (both looked fabulous), pregamed hard with this insane strawberries and cream moonshine which contained literal milk it was so cursed and so delicious along with some single shooters to stash in our purses to save money. We arrived at the club already drunk (best way to do it) and the DJ was actually good for the first time in a long time so we were able to immediately hit the dance floor and dance until our hair was wet and our faces melted off. Sunday was spent by/in the pool without even a hangover to speak of! How could it have gone better?

Had some car trouble starting last wednesday. Got in to go to work and it was crickets when I tried to start it. Turns out it needed a new battery. Got that replaced and as of yesterday and a few begrudging dollars later am free and mobile once again.

Still feeling inspired about summer. Feeling very capable of seizing it the way I've never seized it before. It won't take much because I used to just rot in bed all day playing Love Nikki Dress Up Queen on my phone. So glad those days are behind me. As long as I'm not squandering the pool I pay very real rent for each month and making sure I eat delicious nourishing foods and spend time outside in the sun and with my friends I will have spent the summer well in my own eyes. Don't remember if I said it before and I'm not going back to read, but I plan to swim in my pool at least 10 times this summer. Count is currently at 3 so i think I'm making excellent progress.

I've unlocked/rediscovered so much of my personality IRL I'm actually astounded at how long I lived as a shell of myself. I think at the time I was aware on some level that I was an empty husk but I can see it in such stark relief now.

6/2/2024

Thus Vacation Ends, adieu, adieu

I just knew this vacation would feel too short. Going back to work tomorrow. Blahhh.

I've gotten a ton done this week and feel really tapped into my creative energy. I'm making moves and accomplishing more in a week than I used to in a month or 6. I have somehow rewired my brain to finally stop paralyzing at the thought of doing creative tasks.

I've just given myself the most fabulous manicure. Tapping back into my high school self who used to DIY designs into my nails on an at least weekly basis. They turned out so cute I may post a pic somewhere. Just gotta figure out if it already has a home or if i need to create one.

feeling annoyed a little overstimulated but very alive. feel like i'm running out of time.

5/29/2024

Be Alright

Crossing an item off my gelpen notebook paper summer bucket list, which is learning a dance routine in my living room. This is by far one of the better ways to exercise.

Baby you just gotta make up your mind
We decide it!
We're gonna be alright :3

5/28/2024

My Week of Rest and Relaxation

My week off is upon me! I am accomplishing so much. Getting my life together. Resting. Swimming. Doing things in new exciting ways. Making delicious salads. Having new ideas. Journaling a lot, on paper for myself. Just spent some time dancing around the house with my headphones on singing out loud. I'm feeling so optimistic.

I'm treating summer as something to be festive about, like christmas. Creating a feast for my senses that evokes the summertime theme any way I can. Got this GORGEOUS perfume sample where the notes are suncreen and beach ball. It makes me smell like a literal plastic barbie doll or pool toy and I am obsessed THIS is what I mean by festive! Got a gorgeous pina colada scented lotion today. I plan to spend as much time as possible at the pool this summer. I've neglected it in the past and I can't stand it anymore. This is my aquamarine highschoolmusical2 making bucket lists in gel pen summer.

OH also I almost forgot! The play! It went well. It was silly and chaotic and came together kind of miraculously. That first run through at rehearsal was rough but we pulled through. I'm glad i did it.

5/20/2024

let her cook

Oh boy I'm cookin now. The arts and crafts have been sooo fruitful and fulfilling. I spent all day friday making a paper fashion doll and clothing items for it based on what i was wearing. I made today's outfit too. I'm going to make my whole closet and have my very own dressup game to plan outfits with. it's already so fun and i've only made two outfits! Eventually I plan to digitize the images and make it a VIRTUAL DRESSUP GAME like I'm Cher Horowitz. This is literally such a fun and fulfilling way to spend my time. I'm starting with my own closet to remove the barrier of having to invent clothing designs. Eventually I hope to also make aspirational clothing pieces and invented ones and ones I want and I hope to make more dolls too! But one thing at a time. I've gotta go to a meeting and then draw and cut and color today's shoes.

5/17/2024

well

I arrived home yesterday prepared to dispose of the dried, sad corpse of the unfortunate moth that flew into mouthwash only to find that it had disappeared. Like it literally despawned. I was relieved to be saved from the icky task but now I am uneasy that I don't know where it is. I preferred when I could keep an eye on it.

I could not be more relieved that it's friday. One more week of work and then MY WEEK OF REST AND RELAXATION IS UPON ME. Tomorrow I have plans to play pool with my bestie. Today I'm hoping to have a savory indulgent dinner and a cute cocktail. I can't wait for my lunch break today. I'm going to make the most of it.

I was technically on time to work today which is good because it means my boss isn't tutting at me but it's sad because it makes the day go by so much slower. There's something magical about getting to work knowing 40 mins of your workday are already past. But alas, there are consequences.

My job's slow period has officially begun and I plan to take advantage of it by doing some arts and crafts at my desk. I'm plotting somethign that might end up a part of the site but I don't want to talk about it and get fulfillment from that and then never do it. I am like a skittish but useful animal who can only operate under the most pristine circumstances.

5/16/2024

bugs

Been sort of thinking of updating this as a chore and I'm hoping to reframe that.

Lately I've been plagued by bugs. It's not just me. It's bug season. I am terrified of bugs to varying degrees, so it's been distressing to varying degrees. I feel compelled to make a table.

BugLocationTerror factor (1-10)What happened?
millipede bathroom wall 2, a little startled but not much fear I coaxed it gingerly onto a sheet of paper and set it free outside
spider living room 7, I was pretty freakin scared but i didn't like, cry It charged at me from the shadows as I was chilling on the couch. I leapt from said couch and quickly lost track of the spider. I was alone in the house and felt extremely helpless. I resigned to hide in my bedroom until my partner came home and combed the living room to find it. We never did. It's still in there somewhere. Partner's convinced it's a brown recluse. I'm trying not to think about that. I don't need it dead but I do want it gone.
gnats and flies everywhere, home, work, outside, there is no escape, tis the season 1 not scary but annoyance factor is at 100 We are at war. I intend to set a gnat trap at home today. We have an electric bug zapper. Fly population way way down. Sorry if any fly sympathizers are reading this.
moth bathroom (shower, ceiling, wall, counter) 4, on alert but aware there is no danger The moth and I coexisted for several days. I was uneasy sharing such an enclosed space with such an insect of such size but I also didn't wish it any harm and didn't know how to get rid of it, so I let it stay. Every so often I'd go in to find the moth had changed location but i never saw it move. Today as I was getting ready, the moth got brave and started flitting in my presence which raised my fear level to about a 6 because I really fear the unpredictability of its flight (donttouchmedonttouchme). Sadly, the moth flew exactly where I hoped it wouldn't, which was straight onto its back into the sink which was still wet with MOUTHWASH of all liquids. I could not save the poor creature. While I pitied it, my phobia also prevented me from dealing with its body. It's still there as I write and I'll have to handle it when I get home. Thus ends the moth saga. In tragedy.
crickets at work, in the hall, stairwell, outside, everywhere!! 6, I am terrified they will jump in my general direction nothing to do but be vigilant and avoid
dragonfly the river 5, very uncomfortable People could see my fear and said "it's just a dragonfly." Rather than get into the specifics of my phobia and neurosis, I said "you're right, I'll relax." I pretended to relax and the dragonfly flew away.

Okay, that was kind of cathartic.

I tackled a healthy task list at work today with lots of time to spare. Feeling nice and accomplished about that. Treated myself at lunch to a joint, fresh fruit, green tea, crackers and hummus, and gummy worms.

It's not even 4pm and it's so stormy outside it's almost dark as night. I love this weather though I prefer not to have to travel in it. If only I could teleport home right this second.

5/13/2024

severe thunderstorm warning

I was criminally lazy this weekend. I played Crusader Kings 3 until my eyes melted out of my skull. Didn't go out. Didn't do much in the way of care tasks besides a haphazard load of laundry and blowing out my hair. I wish I was still at home gaming.

I'm going to this social retreat thing for work tomorrow. It's a gathering at a river house with a bunch of my coworkers. What the hell do you wear to something like that? I realized I have nothing. I planned since friday to take some time to hit up a thrift store or two to see if I could come up with something. In my laziness (i'm being too hard on myself... i forgot I was also feeling sick) moment of rest and relaxation I just didn't get around to it. My plan was to go today at lunch since it's basically my last chance but now there is a severe thunderstorm warning and it's slated to hit basically around when I leave for lunch. I'm still going to go but it will definitely be a lot less chill than I would've hoped. Did not wear the right shoes for this lol. And so much for my blowout!


Success! I had to brave the rain and spent more than I hoped I'd have to but I am now the proud owner of a cute vintage romper from the 90s that will do for the river thing tomorrow. It's not really all that modest but it's got the vitals covered and that's all that matters to me. It's a blue plaid with buttons and a plunging neckline. I'll probably layer it with a tank top or t shirt for tomorrow's thing. Otherwise for non-work endeavors I'd forgo the layering in favor of showing more skin. Hopefully the shortness of my shorts does not offend.

5/9/2024

too early to title this yet

The trick about a good night's sleep is the better it the less I want to stop doing it. I'm convinced waking up willing and well-rested is a myth.

5/8/2024

chilling downnn

Hotboxed my car and belted both Whitney and Mariah's parts in When You Believe for the Prince of Egypt Soundtrack to my heart's content.

5/6/2024

everything is embarrassing

Came into work expecting another day of toil but it turns out last-week-me toiled hard enough for the both of us and now I'm basically caught up and semi-chilling which feels fabulous.

Teetering on the precipice of a slightly higher level of having my shit together. I have an appointment today (that I almost forgot about smh) that will get me one step closer to renewing my car's registration which is at this point about 2 years out. Once i get that sorted i can stop driving in FEAR and my life will be patently better.

Went to a child's birthday party on Saturday. That felt like a good thing to do. Got into a nasty argument with my partner's bigoted brother (the birthday boy's father) and lost my cool in front of his family in a way I never have before. That felt less good to do. I've been assured that it wasn't my fault which was a relief because even though I know I was in the right I gaslit myself into thinking I myself had escalated things to the insane level it got to. I can be very aggresively argumentative at times. I was in the right but I'm embarrassed about how I acted. Irritatingly I can't get out of my head what I know I SHOULD'VE said in the moment but was too shocked and flustered to come up with at the time. Classic human scenario. We have allll been there.

Had an irritating conflict at home last night but I was able to channel the negative energy into tidying up the house and setting my week up for success and doing all the things at 11pm on Sunday that I had pretty much written off doing. It really is never too late to salvage your day even if you spent it rotting and procrastinating. Past versions of me wouldn't have been able to do that. I'm proud of current me.

In my mini-mania I thought I'd try to tap into a sense of ritualism and spirituality and mindfulness by lighting a candle and thinking about things in a fashion adjacent to meditation. I liked the idea of it but I wasn't sure how to go about it. I got stuck for a minute trying to select the best candle for the job. I settled on a scented one I already had lit. I felt this nagging sense of embarrassment about it all. I did not want to be seen at my little desk in the dark in the glow of my candle. I'll try to get over that. I think I'll try again and see what direction I can take it.

What is the spirit? Is there one? When I believed in God I think I could've answered the question but now it all feels like cliches and platitudes and logical fallacies and magical thinking. What distinguishes the spirit from the mind and in turn the mind from the body? I'd like to get closer to answering these questions.

People at work seem to be changing their tune a bit from the protests. All that fearmongering last week for fucking nothing. These people need to get a grip and crack a book. I say as though I've cracked even a single book in the past several months...


Feeling so accomplished. Got everything done I needed to in time for me to leave 3 hours early. I even transformed my purse back from glorifed trash can to a functional state. Once I get this appointment over with I plan to do a bit more tidying in the house as a treat to myself. I have a week off work coming at the end of this month. I just have to make it till then.


ha haaaaaa I'm not tidying I'm stoned. I ordered my favorite meal of biryani with raita. I thought i was ordering an overpriced side of raita for $5 but what I got was a big ol tub of it along with the reasonably sized side of it I apparently didn't notice already came with the mea. Cracked into a bottle of plum soju leftover from the weekend because i'm a grown ass adult. Been playing the hell out of my guitar. I'm sorry but y'all are just not chilling like me.

My to-do list is abandoned. Didn't I do enough today?

4/30/2024

locking in

Work's got me TOILINGGGg this is the busiest possible time. It's not that hard or arduous it's literally just paperwork but it's taking a lot of focus I don't actually have. I'm just here to set my intention of locking in and getting it tf done. Then I can come back and kiki with you fine folks. Been doing a lot of stream-of-consciousness writing on random scraps of paper. It's the only grounding technique I know. Sadly witnessing historical events daily at my workplace. Yaaay for the violent suppression of free speech :(

4/25/2024

dark times

Vibes are extremely off at work due to yesterday's events which ended up being big news. Like 60 people were arrested. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. It's been another rude awakening that many of the people I work with and I are not on the same page. It's been confirmed that as an employee I am explicitly not allowed to protest. It's supposed to continue today. I will be going during my lunch to spectate. Feeling sad and powerless. Impossible to get anything done today.

4/24/2024

like, throw me a bone here?

WELP it was much harder to integrate into this group of nerds (not derogatory) than I expected! Only castmate I managed to talk to was someone who was nice though I sensed they'd have been perfectly content being left alone LOL. That's pretty much the only reason I was even able to approach them. There was an impenetrable group of castmates who seemed to already know each other. Please people I'm trying to be in community!! That's the con of this single-rehearsal/single-performance format. I will keep taking opportunities when I get them but whew it's times like these I was better at initiating socially. I can flow and riff and banter once there's some momentum going but I can't be counted upon to get that ball rolling. Reminded me of the couple of times I was the new kid in school where I had to be brave. I tried to be brave last night but this was decidedly a tougher crowd than back in high school.

I struggle to know how much of a conversation is my responsibility to keep going. Am i really that bad at it or are others not pulling their weight? Are there social cues I'm missing? Is there something crucial I'm failing to do to ensure success? I barely know what the hell is going on!


Very distractable today. What's new? Got one more weeknight out ahead of me this evening. Nothing crazy, just stopping by a coffee shop for bestie's mom's birthday. Today feels like it should be thursday but alas that is tomorrow. my intentions for tomorrow evening are to STAY IN AND BE HORIZONTAL.


AGAIN i ended up taking an unexpected journey during my lunch break and walking nearly 2 miles. There was a pro-palestine protest where I work and I got a text alert saying there was police activity in a certain area and to avoid it. Naturally I went straight there. State Troopers left a steaming trail of literal honest-to-god horseshit all down the street. What an apt metaphor. I heard a few people were arrested.

I am not getting enough done today.

4/23/2024

defying gravity

I did end up going to that single release party yesterday after work and the unexpected delights were that there were several lowkey and wonderful musical performances and fresh fruit. It was a low-stakes good time. I'm glad i went.

Feeling kind of aimless today. Feel like I should make a list of some kind. But what?

30 mins late again today. I'm off the wagon.


Did not want to move from my spot at the computer when lunch came around but I forced myself to get up and take a walk anyway. Went a completely different direction than usual and came across a secondhand game store and I browsed the DVDs for a while. There was an interesting triple feature with a fun holographic cover called Wicked Carnival. It had Carnival of Souls, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (classics obvi) and this random shitty looking clown movie called Funland. I thought Funland seemed an odd fit (kind of forcing the carnival thing) since it was clearly not up to the calibre or prestige of the other movies. I'd have snagged it for the novelty but they were charging $60! They must have overpaid badly for it because I just found a copy on amazon for $5. Now for THAT price I'd have for sure picked it up! There was also this movie, Wax Mask that I had never heard of but I heard its call. Turns out it's a Dario Argento/Lucio Fulci collab (right up my alley) from 1997 that I'd also for SURE have picked up if it wasn't like $20. Too much for an impromptu purchase. At least that one seems more accurately priced based on my googling. Perhaps I'll go back and get it if it's still there and I'm still thinking about in a couple weeks.

The selection was thankfully pretty small. I shudder to think what kind of damage I'd do if there was like a half-price-books-sized selection of secondhand dvds a short walk away from my office. I do know there is a library nearby though I don't know yet where it is. I should find out and do some browsing there. I can have fun for free i can I can I can.


Once again I have remembered I have something I'm supposed to do tonight rather than rot on the couch. It's a birthday party for Shakespeare LOL with the cast and crew of my play. It's not really required that I go but I do think it's probably better that I go and interact with my fellow castmates. Especially considering the last time they had this kind of event I went and was too shy to talk to anyone. But now that I've sort of met everyone via zoom I'll feel more brave. I'm really shy until i feel like I have an in, which I feel like I do now. Once I have that I'm not shy at all. I am tired already but think I will go.

Whew, busy week for me. As i wrote the last paragraph I acquired yet another engagement for tomorrow evening. I never go out this much during the week. It's gonna cut into my precious vegetating on the couch time but I'm gonna push myself. It'll be good for me right? Right???

4/22/2024

reckoning

Monday is here and I have a full and active day of work ahead of me. I can't say I'm ready but I don't really have a choice. Getting this little entry out of my system before I lock in and waiting for my prescribed performance-enhancing drugs to kick in. I look very cute and office-sireny today so I'm hoping I can get fully into character, clock into admin simulator and actually be productive. Trying to turn over a new leaf this week and set a new standard for punctuality. I was 10 minutes late today instead of 30, so I think I'm on the right track.

I had a super weekend-y weekend. I looked fabulous the whole time.

Friday night was a seafood dinner (oysters and fried catfish oh my) and drinks (negronis) out with my partner and then home to watch a movie (Fitzcarraldo (1982)) stoned and tipsy on the couch. The movie was really gripping but I succumbed to the substances. Fell asleep and didn't finish. Will need to revisit that soon.

Saturday was 4/20 which I celebrated accordingly. Went out with bestie for the tastiest burger in town along and a cocktail which was a success and some pool which was a bust. At the first place we forgot we'd need quarters. We shifted gears to play some free pool at another bar nearby but when my friend and I approached the free table to claim it a man walked up, snatched up a cue and tried to get us to play against him and OPENLY POUTED when we declined! Insanely irritating. So to get away we went outside into the chilly drizzle to share a cigarette and after not too long the man wandered outside and sat near where we were. So of course we went back inside where now both of the pool tables were taken. That man literally ruined everything smh he really had the audacity. So we called it a night. I went home and watched Men (2022) in full. Just now noticing a thematic connection there.

Sunday continued in the 4/20 spirit. Lounged and gamed a while before partner and I went to the natural history and science museum in town for the first time. Fossils and bones and fun facts galore. I love the museum and I will be back. Afterwards we got lunch. I had a beautifully-dressed coney and a couple of latkes and a beer. Lounged and snacked at home for the rest of the day. TV stayed on but nothing was watched.

I know I evoked the 4/20 holiday several times to justify my hedonism but if I'm honest that's pretty much my standard. I might be the most consistently indulgent person I know. It's like a little joke to myself. Just being alive is a good enough reason to celebrate, whether out on the town or melted to the couch.

With all that recounted, it's really time for me to get to work and earn my next celebration, which will of course begin the second I'm off. The resting kind most likely. 3 hours down, 6 more to go.


Been about an hour. Not as locked in as I need to be but plodding along. Got news an influencer I like and have followed for years, Eva Evans, just died at age 29. So bizarre and unexpected and frankly shocking and saddening. RIP Eva, you were fab as fuck.


Back from lunch which I spent walking since it's a gorgeous crisp warm sunny day after a stretch of gloom and unseasonable chill. Ended up going about 2 miles which is certainly more than my usual. Made some arbitrarily different-than-usual choices about what side of the sidewalk I used, which crosswalk to cross at, what store I get my fun little beverage from. It's good to remember you can always do things differently if you want. I've also decided to not care about prepositions at the end of sentences/clauses. I can make that choice! I feel light and liberated.

Realized my dreams of rest and relaxation for the night may not come true as I've remembered a friend of mine is having a party to celebrate the release of their new single and i said I'd go. Monday evening is for sure a choice! I could always bail if I want but perhaps unexpected delights await me? As long as I can get home at a reasonable time it should be okay.

2 hours 20 mins to go

4/16/2024

a job well done

Cleared a few task lists at work thereby earning me some time to fuck off here. Both Spongebob and Squidward live inside me.

I have less to say than I expected. Thinking about lunch. Not sure what to do. Living for the weekend which is all too far away. Perhaps I'll get a snack and take a walk to CVS to browse for makeup. Is it possible to have fun without spending money? Can someone remind me how?


Ugh I've been disgustingly busy and it's hard not to be a brat about it. Weather is bleak and damp, but at least it's warm. Spent lunch break strolling sans umbrella through a light drizzle. I bought cheap cosmetics and an egg salad sandwich.

About half the crosswalks I encountered shifted to the walk signal as I approached as though they were waiting just for me.

I simply don't know if I'm feeling a normal amount of fatigue or not.

Perhaps I should actually own an umbrella.


People lingering in my peripheral vision is making me irrationally angry. I must be overstimulated. One more hour.

4/15/2024

procrastination nation

Here I find myself in a desperate and flailing attempt to avoid the very real work I have to do today at the office. A fresh shiny new unstyled page full of possibilities. Hoping to leave pure navel-gazing in the past and come into some new inspiration. We'll see where this takes me. It would be nice to get creative and come up with some fresh new layout I've never tried before.

I'll start with a snapshot of what my vibe is at this time. It will be mundane. Don't feel really compelled to get into the thick of things at the moment.

As I mentioned in some later entries of my previous journal, I'm very much into guitar-playing right now. I picked it up about 6 years ago during college and stayed pretty steady with it until I took about a year or so hiatus from which I am clawing my way out. I'm not amazing at it or anything. Working on rebuilding my calluses (they exist again!) and practicing riffing and picking on my electric which I've neglected for even longer than my acoustic. I'm having so much fun! I'm averaging about 30 mins a day though I skip some days and go longer on others. I don't consider myself a musician. I just enjoy the physical sensations of playing and singing. I'm thinking about possibly recording an original song. Just like, laying down a simple chord progression for rhythm, some little riffs for lead, bass line, drum track and maybe a few layers of vocals, just for funsies and to expand my brain by creating in an unfamiliar and uncomfortable way. Don't really care to have much of an audience for it but perhaps if i do it I can make a home for the recordings somewhere on the site for any of you fine folks who might be curious about my little experiment? We'll see how brave I am if any of this comes to any level of fruition whatsoever. My favorite kinds of songs to play at the moment are like Ariana Grande songs and Christian worship rock from my childhood in the early 2000s. It's very cringe and I am no longer christian or even pro-christianity for that matter but boy are those worship songs fun to play and sing. Watch out, that's how they get ya!

I'm still in a wardrobe crisis. Thinking about doing some gig work on the side so I can buy more clothes without squeezing my wallet dry. My current philosophy is NO MORE BLACK CLOTHES. At least no more black tops. No more black near my face. I have accumulated so many black clothes because they made me feel safe and elegant. I now feel that black doesn't suit me at all. I'm back into color in a big way. I'm inspired by the springtime. I'm trying to embrace a new level of sophistication in dressing where I can still look fun sexy elegant and whimsical without dressing like a college student. No offense to college students. I've been one. I'm just not one anymore. The vibe I'm going for is just my own flavor of stylized femininity. My hair has grown crazy long after a several-years-long tiny little bob era. I'm learning how to style it and make the most of it. I'm improving and streamlining my everyday makeup routine.

I'm opening up and socializing more at work. Building alliances and community! It's nice but it also scares me. Even though I think it's important to heed Jemima Kirke's apt aphorism "I think you guys might be thinking about yourselves too much" to avoid insecurity in socializing, I do worry that my unbridled, unrestrained personality is maybe a bit much for the workplace? I've kept myself pretty reserved because once I get started it's difficult to stop. I highly value grace and tact but the truth about me is that I am bluntly and radically opinionated and even when silent am almost cartoonishly expressive. I can be loud especially when laughing, which I do easily and often, and for reasons that wouldn't necesarily be shared by others or easily explained. I find almost everything funny, really. I try to avoid being obnoxious. I believe I should surely have a filter, but precisely where to place it for maximum expression with minimum offense/putting my foot in my mouth is my eternal battle. I don't need everyone to like me, but i'd hate to cause any real harm.

I've been watching Frasier. I grew up on reruns of the show but now am enjoying it in full as an adult. It's so good. And so bad. Truly a product of its time but so geniously and hysterically funny. I've been in a period of re-watching things rather than watching new things. I don't necessarily endorse that for neuroplasticity's sake but I'm allowing myself to have my moment.

I'm really obsessed with the Roman Empire and especially late antiquity and the rise of Christianity lately. I've been devouring every youtube video and documentary I can on the matter. People who glorify and romanticize the Roman Empire either have no idea what they are talking about or are completely insane/morally bankrupt. Fascinating, yes. Admirable? Not at alll omg what a horrible time to have been alive! Insert Oprah: YOU get crucified and YOU get crucified! I can't get enough! I'm going to watch the HBO Rome show very very soon. I've heard good things.

Getting ever closer to performance day of the play I'm in, Troilus and Cressida. I'm nervous and excited!

Took a break from serious coding these last few weeks. I'm using this entry as a step back in.

Watched my first Werner Herzog film last night and it was life changing. Now that's what I call cinema! I will soon be deep diving into his filmography.

Music-wise I am still obsessed with Ariana Grande's Eternal Sunshine album. She really outdid herself with that one. I'm pretty shamelessly into pop right now. Espresso, the new Sabrina Carpenter has been on repeat since its release a couple days ago. Such a fun, feel good song! I'm wearing an all-brown outfit today that feels appropriately in the spirit.

I'm sure there are other things I could say here but I can't think of any at the moment. That's basically what's happening in my life/going on in my brain at this time. Perhaps I'll be back to add more.

Thus commenses my new chapter. Thanks for reading!


Back from a too-short lunch break. Reading back realizing if I shift my primary goal in socializing from expression to connection that could resolve some of those worries. I'll be keeping that in mind. Misanthropy, cynicism and isolation are decidedly OUT.