Blogiana 2025

Yesterday was a whirlwind I am NOT accustomed to being quite that busy. Despite my wish to not be needed, I was quite a bit more occupied at work than usual, rendering me completely incapable of working on the sides as I intended. A cold read it would have to be indeed.

When work was over, I went straight home to change into my dance clothes and throw some clothes in a bag so I could change for the callback. I was only 1 minute late to class, so that was close. I've never danced in the Fosse style before and it was really fun and funny and awkward and unlocked new parts of my brain. We had bowler hats and everything! I felt goofy but I caught a few glimpses of myself on someone's IG story where they posted a clip of our class doing the choreo, and I have to say I didn't look half bad. I'm excited for the next class, which sadly won't be for another 2 weeks. It'll give me time to practice at home at least.

After class I had to change, still sweaty into clothes suitable for the callback. In my strawberry gary haze I forgot to pack the pair of pants I planned on wearing, but luckily I had stuffed a dress and some tights into my bag as an alternative option and pulled together something warm and passable. I made it to my callback time with only minutes to spare.

What's really scary is I think it went well. If I thought I sucked I feel like I could more easily brace myself for potential disappointment. Now that I think I did good my hopes are higher and so are the stakes. They laughed, and that's what I told the stage manager when I met him out in the hallway after my reading was finished and he asked me how it went. It's true, though they might've just tried to be polite. No one had a gun to their heads. It didn't really feel like pity chuckles, but what would I know? My energy was high and the feedback was positive and I was told I'd hear back within about a week. A week of torture. If I'm going to be rejected I'd prefer they just get it over with. I really do think I have a chance, though, even if I have no idea how good my competition was. Maybe they were professional-level amazing. Maybe I got laughs but they got bigger ones? Or maybe I was the funniest person they'd seen all day? Or maybe I was somewhere in between. I hate that it's essentially impossible to tell.

I'm in healthy, constructive distress, I've decided. I'm sleepy and exhausted and slogging my way through work, but I'm feeling very much alive and a part of the world.

Yet again I can't focus on work as I can hardly contain my excitement. On the 30th, as I mentioned before, I submitted a self-tape audition for a play. As we approached a week of radio silence on the matter, I had already begun to accept that I may not get called back. You can imagine my impassioned fuckyea when I received an email yesterday asking me to fill out a form and to look out for another email confirming my callback slot. I want very badly to get cast of course but at this point the callback is validating enough for me to consider it a win no matter what happens. I'll just keep on auditioning. This has been excellent for my already pretty robust self-esteem (at what point do I have too much?). Now, to read the play in full to make sure I'm fully prepared for this callback. It's a farce and I like to consider myself somewhat of a comedienne. I love having something to want, to hope for, to work toward, to do. Here's to more fuckyeas in my future.

I did it. I'm at work and I was early like it was my first day. The leaf has been turned.

Unfortunately my brain isn't working and though I have PLENTY to do and sort out today, I am finding it near impossible to actually do anything. Prayers to the stimulant gods I can set myself up for success. How stupid to come back to work after a nearly 2 week break on a FRIDAY. I am grateful that the weekend is already tomorrow, but come on.

Yesterday was truly a gift and nothing short of magical. I fulfilled my own fantasies. I genuinely shopped till I dropped. The timing was beautiful because the second I got home my uterus took me DOWN and I was essentially couchridden for the rest of the day. If I had shopped for one more minute I'd have been in trouble. The kind of happy coincidence that reinforces my mother's faith in God. Now I'm at work enduring cramps and bloating and brainfog but looking cute in my cozy new oversized sweater and black mini skirt from Goodwill.

I hogged the dressing room at Goodwill for about an hour yesterday after piling my cart cartoonishly high. It was down and dirty work, but I managed to come away with like 5 items for only $40. I don't know how I could possibly shop retail now that I'm used to these kinds of prices. I do think I would like to take my time and save for some higher-quality, more special items from high-end secondhand and consignment shops like The Real Real. It seems like it'd be a good next step for me to exercise that kind of discipline and restraint. But when Goodwill is RIGHT THERE and so full of good stuff it can be a little hard to keep perspective.

Deleted tiktok in solidarity with my best friend for a sort of Dry January, but for tiktok. It may even get banned before the month is over, so that's weird. I know I needed to delete it because it scared the hell out of me to do it. Where will I go when I need quick dopamine now? Should I even give into those urges? I should stare at a wall for a while to reset my receptors.

My foray back into being a Person Who Reads is going well so far. Almost finished with one book I started at the end of December so I'm already safe from a Zero Book Year like I ALMOST had in 2024 before saving myself at the last second. I don't really have any specific numerical goals in mind in terms of how much I want to read this year. I just want to do it as much as I can. I already feel smarter and better able to organize and express my thoughts. My imagination is activated and I think this break from tiktok will help even more.

According to my film diary, I watched 104 movies last year with no goal in mind. Or at least I logged 104 movies. I at least half or partially watched many many more movies that I never logged for that reason. So I will again not set any numerical movie watching goals because I watch plenty without any trouble.

I'm really just typing to look busy. I think my thoughts are sharpening, though. The stimulant gods seem to have decided that filing my nails is of utmost importance and I'm making excellent headway on that front. Oh, look! I just sent an email that will move me forward on the main task I'm avoiding. Things are going to be okay! I love the independence I have at my job though I often fear I should not be trusted so. I do always manage to rise to the occasion.

It's been a while! Happy New Year's Eve!

Thinking back over this year about how I've grown and what I accomplished. I think I really unlocked my free will this year. I became a person who Does Things and mostly follows through for myself and for others more than I used to. I'm proud of that.

At the beginning of the year I auditioned for 2 plays and got cast in one, which was a major win to start after being away from theatre for over 6 years. My role was small and the play was goofy, but it was a fun and enriching experience and I'm glad I took a chance and did it. I've decided to try again this year and audition for some more plays. See what sticks. I've been using this last purgatorial week of the year to set things in motion so I can start the year with some momentum. I've already submitted one auditon. Who knows if I'll get a callback? I'll report back when I find out. I'm allowing myself to want it, making myself vulnerable to disappointment and I'm okay with that. I can handle disappointment, and the stakes really couldn't be lower. There will never not be plays to audition for.

I spent quite a lot of time working on this site this year, filling it with content and just keeping the ol' coding gears greased. I wrote a lot of blog entries (fell off towrd the end of the year) and fancied myself a bit of a writer for a minute there. Writing has never been a huge deal in my life nor do I take particular pride in the quality of my writing, but allowing myself to do it, not just privately and sporadically in journals as I have for most of my life, but somewhat publicly on this platform has freed me of a deep shame and fear of being seen. In 2025 I hope to write more about, like, topics and opinions and ideas, more than about myself, and have a little catalogue of things I wrote that could actually be worth reading.

I majorly stepped up my personal style this year, too, and settled into what I feel is a singular signature look. Not only that, but I unlocked a lot of my closet for myself after struggling with it by just getting creative and not being afraid to look bad. If I may say so myself, I am the fashion queen at my workplace and it isn't even a competition. I hope to acquire even more great clothes this year and solidify and purify and elevate my style even further. There are outfits waiting to be worn I haven't even thought of yet.

In the first half of the year I neglected my guitar but I have sinced gotten into a habit of playing it pretty much daily, if I can help it. I realized I've been playing now for 6 years. I remember when I first started and I saw everyone ahead of me and wished time could just pass so I could be good at guitar already. Now, I'm no wizard at it but I sound confident and competent when I play and that's all I really hoped for. This year I hope to keep playing daily, to practice more finger picking, and give my electric some love once in a while. I don't think I played her at all this year, much less plugged her in. I hope to learn some new songs. I've been wearing out the same few Ariana Grande songs for a while now.

Speaking of Ariana Grande, I made an insane shrine (linked above) that I would call, like, 90% done and that I am actually quite prouf of. I love having a creative outlet and something to show for a hyperfixation I've harbored for almost 15 years now. This was a great year to stan Ariana Grande and I am a person who Makes Things!

At the beginning this year I was virtually sedentary. I'm talking less than 1000 steps a day on average. I decided I wanted to be healthier and set a goal just to move my body a nonzero amount. I started taking walks during my lunch breaks and taking the 5 flights up the stairs to my office. I became someone who moves my body, but still no real dedicated excercise. About halfway through the year I decided I wanted to take a dance class and by some ADHD miracle it actually stuck and now I am obsessed with and addicted to dance. I moved up from 1 class a week to 2 and I wish I could do even more. I set a goal to be the most improved at my adult beginner ballet class after a humbling first try where I was easily the worst and I can confidently say I achieved that. No one in class remembers how bad I was at the start and they were super surprised when I mentioned I hadn't taken the workshops and simply just jumped into class. My instructor already told me I could be ready to try the pointe workshop and I have classmates who are better dancers than me by my judgement telling me I would do great in the next level up. Like NOT TO BRAGGGG lollll but really I feel so proud and accomplished. Going to a workout class once a week much less twice was someting earlier versions of me thought was 100% impossible. I have free will!! Executive dysfunction be damned.

There's more I could say but I'm tired of writing now and will therefore stop. I'll keep this entry here through 2025 since I'm fading it in. I've already set it into motion. My new year has already begun. I hope it's my best yet!