The Art of Navel-Gazing

Just got back into the office from watching the eclipse! I live in the path of totality so it was a whole event. It felt nice to be part of the community and cheer on the sun together as we labored to see it through the thick cloud cover. The moment of totality was so fleeting and I couldn't see the corona like i'd hoped but it got almost as dark as night and it was just really cool anyway. Glad i got to see that. It sort of feels like a holiday. Or like the end of the year at school when you still have to go but finals exams are done with so it's not really business as usual. It's definitely supposed to be business as usual though I'm just a bad employee.

It's funny how working 8-5 in an office monday thru friday makes it so simply stating what day of the week it is is loaded, compelling speech. "It's wednesday" "It sure is" is deceptively pregnant with meaning. Today happens to be friday however therefore all is right with the world. The weekend is here. Paycheck finally hit after a serious broke spell. I'm seeing Love Lies Bleeding with bestie tonight. Gonna have a hard drink and a tasty dinner along with. My optimism is unbridled! I am off task and unfocused but I am alive. I'm really jonesing to play guitar. i wish there was some kind of portable discreet device that would allow me the sensation of holding the frets and strumming the strings without disturbing others. Beyonce's country album coming out during my guitar era is also very pleasing to me. If i had my way I'd stay home and play and sing all day long. Still there's much to be glad about.

addendum: turns out silent travel guitars are a thing. an expensive and still unwieldy thing. even if i could afford one it would still be more conspicuous than I'd like. I will settle for playing as long as I can when i get home.

May take a leaf out of Vashti's book (heyyy vashti if you're reading this lol) and create a page dedicated to minutiae. I feel like that's where an entry like this truly belongs. My thoughts are real disorganized lately. I'm not the writer I was a month and a half ago. That version of me seems really remote even though it's the reason a lot of you might be reading this in the first place. I hope i'm not letting anybody down. I haven't done a Muse entry in a long while. I'm not up to it but I want to leave space for me to get back into it when I'm inspired. Writing really isn't my craft though I'm sure I'll continue to dabble throughout my life.

I've lost them! I do not feel grounded! My edges are blurred. No coherent thoughts, just thoughts of having thoughts. Executive function is nearly nonexistent. Showing up to work dressed with my face on and within 40 minutes of "on-time" (otherwise known as "late" but I'm trying to be nice to myself) is all that can be expected of me. I will do the tasks asked of me but it will be an internal battle.

When i say i'm having thoughts of thoughts, I mean I want to really dive into medieval christianity and compare and contrast it to the modern and determine to what extend the medieval worldview lives on today and to what extent the context of the time was so alien to us that it's unfathomable to even the most zealous modern mind. I have access to books and resources but I can only read a sentence or two before i go crawling back to tiktok for a quick dopamine fix. If only it was quick. It actually ties me up for quite a while. I had deleted the app for several days to detox and because I was dissatisfied with the content I was consuming. In the past this has cleansed me of what I can only describe as dopamine poisoning but this time I missed it every single day. i found other things to scroll and wished I was on tiktok. i caved and just downloaded the app again. There was no change in screen time. My eyes hurt.

I really wish I could just go back to school for medieval studies. For free and for fun. I don't have the money for grad school. i don't know what I would do with a master's in medieval studies. i just want to engage in the topic as deeply as I can. And then I want to turn around and get another degree in some other topic i like and just keep doing that until I'm tired of it. Could I even get into a grad program for medieval studies without any background in history? My degree is in radio/tv LOL I'm not sure that helps.

Ah well since I'm here might as well give a lil update on the play. The read-through was fun and illuminating. I got some inpsiration for my character's arc and got some ideas for some bold choices to make. I'm glad inspiration struck. I feared I was dead in the water.

I need a break. I need time off. I don't know when to take it. I'm paralyzed. i've got people wanting me to visit them all over the country. i wnat to go but I have no money and am behind on rest. I don't want to waste my PTO by sitting at home but sitting at home is what I feel like I need to do. i don't know how to balance things.

Time has slowed to a crawl. Writing feels better than i expected it to even if i'm not as coherent as I could be. I want to start a new diary with a new layout but I'm not ready yet for that undertaking. I'm putting a bunch of things off right now that I shouldn't. I shouldn't say should. It's a vicious cycle.

I've been getting back into playing guitar lately. I'd fallen out of the habit and lost my calluses. It hurts to play and I can't play long. Can't wait till I've built that resistance back up. I feel like strumming and singing. If I were home that's what I'd be doing. i'm not particularly good at either but it feels good to do it. I'd love to record some kind of experimental layered track just for funsies. I'd like to learn how to harmonize.

I'm still screenpilled but on my lunch break instead of scrolling tiktok for an hour I watched 2 episodes of Frasier. Now there's a productive use of my time.

Taken to reading A Short History of the Middle Ages through my employer's library as a foundation and then i will take a free class I found online. The world is my oyster i can learn anything I want.

Springtime is my FAVORITE time of the year! I love the delicious clouds and sprinkles and blossoms and refreshing warmth. I don't feel compelled to share my interiority here lately. Could be that this diary has come to a natural close, though I'm open to reviving it. I may start a new one when I'm feeling writey mcwriterson.

Readthrough of the play happening this weekend! Been a while since I mentioned it when the play saga was what started this whole journal in the first place. My previous fears about my character's motivations and abilities being unclear have all been resolved with some wise revisions by the director. Getting pumped again.

Aforementioned rodeo is this weekend. Very pumped for that. I've been invited out dancing tomorrow with an old acquaintance I haven't seen in a long time. Could be fun but I'm still on the fence about going.

I had fun at the club thank GOD I was truly afraid my club-enjoying days were over. I drank and danced and chatted and laughed celebrated my friend and had a grand old time. The idea of going out again isn't utterly repulsive to me the way it has been these last couple months. My "comfortable" shoes literally bruised my feet lmao. I'm wearing uggs and they still hurt. Sometimes we pay for the slay.

Absolutely nothing to do at work. Don't feel like reading writing coding shopping drawing or anything else. Just looking forward to being home and warm and cozy and still and stoned. Just 3 more hours.

Really busy day at work today. Not much time for these extracurriculars, though this isn't where I'm inclined to spend my time at the moment. I'll find some new insipration to bring me back. For now I'll let myself relax and be on my phone and text my friends and focus on how to show up for them. That's what I'm interested in right now. That and Ariana Grande. Stream Eternal Sunshine if you're into that sort of thing.

Tomorrow is bestie's birthday. Hanging out, going to dinner then out to the club. I've avoided and resisted the club like the plague these last couple months which was exactly what I needed because now I'm excited to go and put on an outfit and celebrate my friend and dance the night away. Finally got a good pair of relatively comfy club shoes I'm excited to break in. Some insanely tall chunky black platform slightly-taller-than-ankle boots a la Bratz. I'm going to be so tall. Over 6 feet actually lol. That'll be fun. I was doing kitten heels for a while but they can be deceptively painful. But ugh so cute! I'll just have to save them for pictures. It's time to bring out the clonkers.

Need to save for a plane ticket to see a lifelong best friend graduate and celebrate her birthday in december. It is doable. Money is fleeting but memories are forever.

More into coding than writing at the moment. In a psycho way where I'm unable to choose to stop. We ebb and we flow. In any case I'm developing carpal tunnel.

Zest for life has been renewed because bestie I have made plans to go to the rodeo. I can't even begin to tell you how hyped I am. Boots and a cute comfy outfit, rides and games and animals and lights and prizes and drinks and insane snacks. I haven't been to a carnival in years. It's about to be a movieeee. Not Final Destination 3 though. Some other movie.

27 was an extremely chill and sweet birthday! I began it with a luxurious shower, enjoyed the sensory symphony of heat, foam, fragrance. Then I put on a little outfit and special perfume and walked over to my neighborhood bakery for a giant vanilla iced oat milk latte and then the drugstore for some cosmetics. When I returned home there was a box of mini bundt cakes sent by my mother, each decorated with a little rose (dessert count: 1). I then accompanied my partner in picking up a gift for me. I brought my gigantic coffee. We ended up in the parking lot for a palm reader. I was tempted to go inside and get a reading but talked myself out of it because if my reading wasn't good it'd ruin my day before it even got started. I suspect that was the coffee talking. I do think I'd like to try seeing some kind of psychic or medium sometime. I'm skeptical but I think it'd be a fun and novel experience in any case.

The gift we came to pick up turned out to be a gorgeous tall wooden jewelry box. Very large, it is a piece of furniture in itself. He did not know it was going to be so big; he thought it'd be able to be set on a surface. He had even brought a small paper gift bag to put it in. Thinking about placing that baby DRESSER in that tiny little bag sent me into orbit. The thing is like 3 feet tall! I laughed till I cried. I've been very much wanting more wooden furnuture. I truly love my giant jewelry box.

Upon returning home he surprised me with a beautiful handmade necklace to put in it. The necklace even matched my outfit so I put it on. It completed the birthday ensemble.

Next I put on a comfort movie: Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and had a lunch of cheesy scrambled eggs and toast. I then spent some time applying makeup. My hair already looked good so I left it mostly alone.

My next mission was to secure my free birthday gift from Sephora. I went there and shopped around and was bemused but relieved to find that there really wasn't much of anything I actually wanted to buy from there. I ended up with a Laneige lip mask and yes, my free gift of a kosas lip oil and brow gel. (birthday freebie count: 1)

When I got home I found my partner had baked and decorated the most precious heart-shaped whimsical adorable strawberry cake with chocolate frosting you ever did see. Yes, I cried. (dessert count: 2)

I chatted with my longtime best friend on the phone and after some time I went to meet a certain someone to acquire a certain um. plant. Then it was back home to um. Use the plant. And then it was time to get dinner!

Dinner was at this super hip and slayful french restaurant that is extremely difficult to get into due to its popularity. I decided to try my luck, test my charmed life and walk in without a reservation. Okay, so the wait was 2 hours. More than I expected, but i wasn't discouraged. I got us on the list and we set out into the night in search of a bar at which we could kill some time and our sobriety.

We found one an 11 minute walk away which had an interesting vibe and an impressive cocktail menu. Decidedly not a dive bar. The wait for a table would have been 40 minutes but luckily for us a spot at the bar was available immediately. They served us their house chex mix which was certainly the most scrumptious chex mix I'd ever tasted. I ordered a strong cocktail named and inspired after Anthony Bourdain whom I adore. It was like a spicy smoked negroni. Totally Tony. Real Bourdainheads know. His go-to drinks were always negronis or bloody marys and we know the man loved his cigarettes. The drink was such a thoughtful loving and informed play on and tribute to his tastes which happen to align with mine because I am nothing if not a woman raised on Bourdain. I shared it with my partner who shared his beer with me.

Something I've learned over the years is you can mention it's your birthday when you're at nice places to get free things. 2 birthdays ago I sat at the bar at a french restaurant and asked if I get anything if it's my birthday and the bartender poured a round of shots for us, the people sitting next to us, and himself. I thought I'd try my luck here and see what came of it.

"Ummmm we could maybe do like a half a glass of champagne or something?" The bartender's tone gave away that people do not usually ask this they and are not in the habit of giving out free things. He consulted with his coworkers who then brought me a full glass of champagne and wished me a happy birthday! (freebie count: 2) I of course thanked them graciously. According to the menu there wasn't champagne that cost less than $17 a glass so it really was a very special gesture. Remember: free stuff is always an opportunity to tip EVEN BETTER than you were already planning to.

We were killing this killing time thing. We thought we'd have trouble staying occupied for our 2 hour wait but at about the 1.5 hour mark we got the message saying our table at the restaurant was ready. We downed the last of our drinks and booked it back out into the night to claim our table.

We made it back to the restaurant and were seated at a tiny round table at the bar and served luxuriously soft spring water from a glass bottle. I was pleasantly tipsy from our stint at the bar so i didn't need another cocktail. We ordered some bread and butter which was as delicious as bread and butter can be. The butter had a cream-cheesey quality to it that I'd never experienced with butter before and the bread was crispy and savory. I ordered a single oyster along with my entree of mussels and fries (seafood was calling me). Partner ordered a stunning french onion soup and a beer which did not make it to the table. I again inquired in a no-pressure way if there's anything special you might get if it happens to be your birthday, because why not? "Ummm like a candle? aww happy birthday!" LOL. Okay that's fine no worries!!

My oyster was stunning and delicious. It came with this delicious savory peppery clear pink sauce I did not recognize in the slightest and a bit of horseradish. Partner's french onion soup was mouth-wateringly savory and probably the best french onion soup I've tried. My mussels came in this ultra savory flavorful white creamy broth full of herbs and broad slivers of onions and garlic. When the mussels were gone my partner and I each drank as much of the leftover broth as we could. I cannot remember ever having a tastier liquid.

It was at this point our server realized we never got our beer. We weren't going to mention it and had already decided it's better that we didn't spend money on another beer. Literally no problem at all. But she remembered and brought it to us at the end of the meal on the house!!! (freebie count: 3!) And THEN she surprised me with a creme brulee with a golden lit candle in the center. How sweet is that! (freebie count: 4)(dessert count: 3). My partner and I agreed it was the best creme brulee we'd ever had. We thought we were full before but we savored every last crunchy creamy bite. Very grateful to our very kind server! It was more than I'd expected. I was charmed and blessed on my birthday.

Ended the night with some Frasier on the couch. Laughed our asses off as the episodes were particularly funny. Knocked out still in my makeup.

Now it's today and I've got a couple more birthday activities to do with friends this evening; a dinner and a movie. I feel very lucky and grateful and I've got high hopes for this year.

9:30am This morning thus far: wake up late good hair day low effort good makeup day medium effort cold outside favorite sweater late for work trapped by school bus even later now pick up a yogurt on the way might as well later still traffic good arrive at work no new emails drink the yogurt take new meds giggle with coworkers make office coffee honey halfnhalf whipped cream and cinnamon update journal feel happy feel lost.

The vast stretch of day ahead unsettles me. How shall I fill it? No pressing tasks which makes me nervous. There's probably something I can (should?) do and I'm forgetting what it is. People keep thanking me for my hard work. Was i supposed to have worked hard? When should that have been?

I have no plan no agenda. When i get home I'd like to clean as a birthday present to myself. I canceled my therapy appointment I was going to have today. I just don't feel up to it.

Getting my meds yesterday was hilarious. I expected (hoped) it to be a quick easy in and out thing but when I got there there was nowhere legal to park and tons of traffic and roadblocks and one-ways. Because of course Olivia Rodrigo was performing in the building next door LMFAO. I parked in a marked tow-away zone and RAN FOR MY LIFE. It all worked out though I did have to take a different and longer route home. I'm not really complaining. I truly think it's hysterical. Olivia Rodrigo I actually truly wish you all the best.

I'd like to get better at small-talk. Real small-talk for real connection not glib superficial fake pre-packaged lines. I'm pretty good at just getting by that way. I know how to fix my face and tone to be pleasant personable and relaxed. There's several people at my job I think seem cool and nice and around my age that I would probably get along with and have some overlapping interests but for some reason those are the hardest peoplefor me to talk to. My peers! Why can't I think of anything to say? I guess it's not all on me. I want people to know that I am friendly and talkative under the right conditions. How can I create those conditions? It's 10:00 now and I still don't know what to do with my day. I thought this external processing would inevitably lead me to a plan but perhaps I shouldn't expect it to accidentally come to me and instead I should be intentional. But i don't feel like it!!! What now?

Making a resolution regarding shopping so i can become more responsible. I can browse away to my heart's content during the day but I will only purchase on the weekends. If I purchase. It won't be a given that I do. I'm hoping this will mitigate impulse spending and help me be more realistic and intentional with the things I buy. An order of 2 items I thrifted last week ended up getting lost in transit which is tragic. I did get a refund which is good but i really did want that sporty black mini skirt with "Hustler" emblazoned on the back in red and the black knit scoop neck long sleeve midi dress with 3d floral appliques which would have been perfect for work and it was all only $20 together including shipping. All i did by ordering them in that moment was have them lost to time. I wonder if they'll ever find their way to me.

Heard some study that a very large percentage of women feel they have to justify all their purchases. I'm a stereotype! A statistic!

Med update so I can remember what to tell my psych: I feel the chemical in my body but I feel hungry and sleepy after just a couple hours so perhaps not the ideal dosage.

I am in fact so hungry I can't even make a decision about what to eat. Freaking out a little!!

I had half a subpar egg salad sandwich, some hot cheetos with lime and a mango juice thing. Tomorrow for my birthday I will acquire the ingredients for a beautiful egg salad sandwich suited perfectly to my taste and I will have it for lunch next week. It's the only way to make things right. With celery and spicy pickle relish. Lots of golden mustard.

Med dosage is a disaster I am very sleepy! This is my journal and I reserve the right to be dramatic.

It's crazy how I've pretty much forgotten most of my life. I'm glad this year will be preserved here. Nothing too exciting has happened yet and I'm okay with that. I want to remember the slow times in life, too.

People on tiktok are talking about nostalgia for 2020 ALREADY. Which is actually insane but I can't say I don't understand. That time truly had such a distinct feel to it. Remembering it produces such a distinct and inexplicable olfactory impression. In a lot of ways that was not a good time for me. But I enjoyed the isolation and free time to its fullest. I enjoyed it (guiltily) for longer than anyone I know did. I played so much Animal Crossing new Horizons I can't even look at it now. I was probably clocking a 60 hour week strictly with animal crossing, which overlapped with the 40 hours actually on the clock at my job that had basically forgotten i existed for a while. Sometimes i feel bad about all the time I wasted but I think that was probably key to mostly recovering from post-grad burnout and jumping straight into working full time at a soul-sucking job. I needed to just do nothing and have nothing expected of me for a long long time. And that's what I got. I'm really lucky in that way.

I am insanely phonepilled at the moment but also super bored because I have so much time for phone. In my haze of idle scrolling at the end of my lunch I realized I could get some exercise by descending the 5 floors of my building and just climbing back up them. This is huge! I'm really not big on exercise but I do feel like I need to take better care of my body. I'm super out of breath and it took a whole 2 minutes out of my day which means I can pop out and get some pretty good hearbeats in a couple times a day without even adjusting my routine. How's that for a path of least resistance?

Besides working I spent the morning shopping (I knowwww lollll but I used an old gift card so no money was spent) and exploring my childhood hometown on google earth. I "walked" the path from my old house to my elementary school to my best friend's house. It was strange and comforting and sad.

Don't have much motivation to do anything on the site, though my about page could use a complete overhaul.

Since I've got nothing going on brainwise i fear these next few hours will be long. Need a muse to take pity on me.

Paycheck hit! Broke era over! No more ice soup! And now i am shoppingpilled. Making wishlists but not spending yet. Need to get into a clearer headspace. Okay I did bid on a super cheap item on ebay that i have been really and truly needing. I spent some time going over my monthly expenses. Took another pass on the stairs. Now that i'm paid i can pick up my very first round of my very own prescribed adhd meds!!!! Which I will do as soon as work is over which is in 15 minutes! i cannot wait to be focused and productive. If that even is the outcome lol. But now the next time I see my psychiatrist it won't be a waste of time and a disappointment! Yaaaay! GIGANTIC hurdle cleared. Moving up in life.

If it weren't for the leap year tomorrow would be my birthday! Soo close.

8:25am Strolled into the office (late) to find a stack of tasks already waiting for me. Um hello? I haven't even opened my yogurt yet.

I actually don't have a yogurt today but I would prefer to ease into my workday rather than jump right in. And that's why I'm here. Procrastinating for my satisfaction and sanity. At least I look really cute today! I'll be back.

9:30 am Almost through with the stack. Trying to treat coming here as the reward for getting things done. I'm actually glad to have had an hour occupied and now done with. I forgot to bring lunch today and as you may remember I have no money but I live a charmed life and there is an event at work around lunchtime with free food. I'm feeling optimistic! Now to finish off the stack.

12:12pmFree Ethiopian food at work! I've never had it before but it was fabulous. These are the perks of working in a bureaucracy. I sampled everything in the spread. My favorite was the Doro Wott which was a spicy saucy simmered chicken and apparently the Ethopian national dish. Also had some Keyi Siga which were some spicy saucy beef cubes. For sides i had Fasolia Wott which were some warm saucy cinnamonny garlicky potatoes, Gomen which are spiced collard greens and Azifa, a cold lentil salad. I also had some white rice and some Injera, a spongey flat bread that tasted surprisingly and pleasantly sour. Feeling fabulous about all the new things I got to try today!

I'm confused. If i say things are going uphill, as opposed to downhill which is generally understood to be bad, is that easily understood as meaning a good thing? because isn't going uphill like difficult and strenuous? i suppose downhill is also difficult in different ways. When we use the hill metaphor are we just looking at the curvature as though a parabola on a graph with up meaning good and down meaning bad? Or are we trying to capture the full hill experience? in which case i don't think it's a very effective metaphor at all and I don't know why i would continue to use it. is the idea that the top of the hill is good and the bottom is bad and so it's not about the journey or incline but the destination/point on the curve? And the desired destination is always implied to be the top of the hill? I guess that's it and it's tied into like Middle Age associations of up being good down being bad because God is assumed to be up and goodness was defined in that time on a spectrum of proximity to or distance from god. It's kinda arbitrary when you think about it. It's so baked into our language and worldview though that it seems intuitive and there's really no reason it should be.

3:58pmWhew, work's got me workin today. It's really not bad. It's kind of better when there's more to do so i can get closer to a flow. Oviously I've still updating on neocities all day so there's still plenty of breathing room.

Remembered my play exists! I printed out the script at my desk and my coworker balked at the thick stack of pages because she thought it was for work LMAO she felt so sorry for me till I told her what it was and we laughed. "Imagine!?"

Since I've got an hour till quitting I will spend whatever spare time I have to start on line memorization. I have a 1:1 with the director to discuss character not this weekend but next. My dream is to show up as prepared as possible so I can get as much guidance on building the character into something interesting as possible.

i feel like my character will fly under the radar because back when Troilus and Cressida was new like when Shakespeare was literally alive, a lot of knowledge of context of characters and plot was just assumed since that story was basically like the Romeo and Juliet of their time. Everyone knew Troilus and Cressida. And in it my character Calchas, a Trojan and father of the titular Cressida defects to the Greeks. But the act of defection isn't in the play because people are supposed to already know he's defected. He's just already there chillin with the Greeks. I am really wondering how we can get it across to the modern audience because most people (myself included before I became a part of this production) don't know who the hell Calchas is.

In the greek mythology that extended to the medieval period Calchas was a prophet who could actually see the downfall of Troy and that is the reason why he defected. But unless you already know that it's really not clear through the dialogue in the play. It does sort of free up some space for motivation for defecting, but I really like the idea that he's a seer but I'm really at a loss for how to communicate that. i trust my director and I think she will help. I'm excited to get started! I should've already been working on this tbh but better late than never. Another cool fact about Calchas in mythology is that he died laughing his ass off. That won't be part of the play at all but I want to keep that in mind. I really connect with that, as someone who has always had a penchant for laughing too hard, too loud, too long, too often.

I'm a spoiled brat. No amount of rest or time off or relaxing weekend will ever be enough. I should be on it! i should be getting things done! But I cannot focus. Can't even think of what I might even need to be doing right now. I'm barely present. I'm dressed like a frumpy middle schooler in 2007. The problem with getting back into minecraft is that it makes me pissed off at every moment I'm not allowed to play minecraft. At my old work from home job I would play minecraft all day. I would like to take a week's vacation and just play. And even then i know it wouldn't be enough.

Birthday coming up this weekend and i've finally got some plans. I'm horrible at planning and making decisions both for myself and for others but I have been blessed many times in my life by close friends and even acquaintances coming through in unexpected ways to make something happen for me for my birthday.

This Saturday I'm going to a fun secondhand market with some friends, having dinner, then going to see a neat looking movie at the local film society. My bestie's partner who I barely know knew that bestie and I were still trying to figure out what to do with my birthday and they suggested the movie, knowing it would be something I would be into. How kind and lovely is that? I don't feel deserving but I'm really grateful. I must remember this when I'm scripting my ideal future personality. i want to be someone who really comes through for people's birthdays. I've accrued a massive karmic debt I really must repay. Bestie's birthday is shortly after mine so that's my chance isn't it? I'm afraid but I'm hoping to rise to the occasion.

I did not play my cards right this month financially. I'm living off a couple dollars until i get paid later this week. Trying to remember to not be too hard on myself considering being broke is a pretty good natural consequence. No need for additional punishment. Really need to do that no-buy but I also have a list of things I want to buy as soon as I'm paid. I hate money!!! i wish i had more of it.

I did finally buck up and find a pharmacy that has my adhd meds in stock so I can FINALLY start them. I just cant afford to pick them up yet smhhhh and they're not even expensive. As soon as I'm paid, though!!!!!

My hope for this week is that my brain activates and I can have something of more substance to write about.

Crazy how i keep saying i have nothing to say and it is always true yet I keep coming back here. 48 minutes til quittin' time and i'm worried I'm going to experience each one in full relief. I'm chewing my 4th piece of gum in an hour. I spent some time in the bathroom fixing my hair. I'm thinking about nothing. i don't even have a book i'm reading right now. I'm unfortunately tiktok-pilled. I am beyond excited to get home, get too stoned to move, eat a free delicious dinner and hit those MINES BABY. These are the things that make life worth living.

Unfortunately my brain being empty makes it so I'm not doing a great job at killing time here. I have no insights. I'm not musing. 10 minutes have passed. I'm really just here because my phone is almost dead and i'm letting it charge. I'm going to pick it up again.

Up bright and early (before 10 lmao) on this fine sunday morning. Aspiring to have a fantasical relaxing restorative and productive day. Mostly it's going well except for I decided to curl my lashes for a no-makeup pick-me-up and my lash curler ripped out a clump of them so there's now a gap in my lashes on the inner part of my right eye. It is upsetting but I'm just letting it roll off me because what can I even do? I've never had this happen I always hated this lash curler and feared it would betray me one day. It's sadly ironic because i've been opting not to wear mascara most days lately to help preserve my lashes and now this happens for the first time ever. Ughdfkdfjd it's okay there are worse problems to have. They will grow back.

There is a cat outside my window! Good omen.

I am going to play some minecraft. That constitutes productivity to me. I've got this great space on a poppy-covered mountain that overlooks another mountain with a village on it. I wonder if I should make a minecraft diary and log my activities and maybe try adding some kind of narrative aspect on it as like a writing exercise. Not something i've ever done before but it could be good for me. See, minecraft IS productive!

My dreams came true and I was just sick enough to validly miss 2 days of work but not so sick as to be miserable. It's saturday and I'm starting to feel better. Also a change is that I am writing this from a DESK my OWN DESK thank you very much which is huge. After years of saying I needed a desk but never making it happen I was finally ready to drop some money on one when a perfectly nice free one fell into my lap yesterday. Couldn't be happier. Now the dining room that functioned as an ugly storage room is now a functional office and looks so much better. I needed this!

I'm enjoying my illness and marinating in isolation so I can be ready for and fully enjoy socializing for my birthday next friday. I thought my mind would be clearer after cleaning my room and closet and creating a functioning office but now I feel like my brain needs to rest from the whole ordeal. Haven't been super motivated to write or code even though now I have an actual semi-ergonomic setup to do it.

I told myself I'd enjoy the nice weather and go outside today but all i managed was a walk across the street for a soda. It'll have to be good enough. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm starting to get bored of my at-home activities. This is what I need. I need to get so bored that I crave excitement and going outside again. I'm almost there. Until then I think i'll spend my evening playing minecraft.

Sitting and working at my desk gives me the feeling of being an alien playing human. It's making me giggle. Look at me I'm at a desk! Typetypetype!

My only goal at this time is to kill the next 30 minutes until i have to go home. I certainly won't be as insanely productive as i was yesterday but I do plan to do an errand or chore or two which is still more than I do after work on typical days. I think I'm getting sick. Well, I hope I'm getting sick. I thought I was having allergies from the dust in my closet but the symptoms have persisted through my workday. Truly praying I have a minor cold so I can have a valid reason to not come to the office tomorrow. I've already primed my coworkers for that and they are supportive. With that in mind it's looking like i could just stay home anyway but I really don't like lying and am not good at it and it makes it so I can't enjoy the time. So I hope I'm just sick enough that it's valid to stay home but nothing a lil nyquil can't handle. There's nothing that activates my zest for life like not being at work when i am supposed to be at work.

I am off task. Workwise and sitewise. I am rotting my brain with tik toks at any moment I am allowed, which is most of the time. It will become a problem soon if I don't get it together. I have real work to do.

Yesterday I shopped myself into a stupor. I only spent $20 but the hours and hours searching and categorizing was nothing short of dopamine poisoning. To balance that out I purged a lot of my clothes yesterday. Several large bagsfull. I don't miss them. I can't believe I was letting them take up space in my life for so long. That wasn't even the last of it but it was a good start. I am obsessed with decluttering at this time. I'm shedding the skin of post-adolescence adulthood and coming into new goals and tastes and priorities. I expect this will come with some site aesthetic changes as well but I'll take it one step at a time. All i can think about now is having less stuff and better stuff. And that I'm finally learning to take care of myself beyond the bare minimum. I was very into being low-maintenance for a while because of the convenience of it all. It took me maybe too long to realize that the fruits of being low-maintenance are not the sweetest or most nutritious.

This shift in my philosophy seems to be translating to the way I show up for others. I still have this urge to hide and isolate but because I'm trying harder for myself I'm able to try harder for others. I don't know if this is an accurate assessment or like memory distortion but I feel like my emotions and empathy were partially blocked so that they trickled rather than flowed. I feel like I unclogged something somewhere along the way because I feel more real and human than ever and feel in a lot of ways like I finally understand what everybody's been talking about this whole time.

I've been in a period where I've been doing things a little differently than normal just because I can. Like ordering a different meal, trying a new flavor, watching different movies than usual. I find this is a good way to get out of a rut. Start small and mundane and it kind of rewires your brain for the big stuff too.

About to spend my lunch break with a friend which is always a nice treat. I hope when I come back I'll be able to work.

I'm working I'm really working! In a sort of scattered chaotic way but getting things done nonetheless. Time is now passing faster than I anticipated. My lunch was fabulous. This journal makes it seem like I'm just living lunch break to lunch break. Maybe I am.

I signed up for this coding gathering thing at the library which I mentioned in a previous entry. Doing things is so appealing when they're far away and abstract. Now it's today and after work and I don't know if I have it in me! Is that terrible? My instinct is to judge myself pretty harshly for wanting to flake. Would i judge a friend as harshly? Of course I wouldn't. Let me be my own friend. I can make up for flaking by making a different positive use of my time rather than continuing to scroll tiktok. Haven't I done enough of that today? I think i should also keep in mind that it's okay to flake and I don't actually need to offset the shame because no one is counting on me except for myself. There's no reason to feel shame at all when I really think about it. I'm glad I can tell myself that. It's one step closer to believing it!

I have to admit doing this kind of semi-public processing feels very strange to me. At the very least it's ruining my mystique! Nah I'm kidding that doesn't matter to me. In all earnestness I think it's helpful and positive for me. I used to let my thoughts rattle to dust inside my head and now I've given so many ideas life simply by typing them here. I was here. I am here. And there's more life ahead of me than behind me ideally.

I know I've been an adult for a while now, but I do feel like i'm entering a new phase of it. In a little over 2 weeks I'll be officially in my late-twenties. I don't feel much changed externally though I know I look my age. I can see it but I can't place it. Not to imply that it's old or anything because obviously it's not. And even if it was that would be fine. We must divest from our obsession with youth. I'm working on it. Almost there. Fletcher and I talked about how watching Sex and the City is healing for us in that way. 30 and 40 something women living their fullest sexiest lives. Now to divest from the obsession with beauty... that's the really hard one and the really important one. How does one reconcile that and the true joy and fun in beauty and adornment? I can't say I know yet. Hey fletch this is a test to see if you read these or not either way is fine heyyyy king!

I made my own dreams come true I purged and organized my closet I feel soooo free. The pile of clothes I got rid of yesterday were just the ones outside my stuffed closet. That's how much shit I had. It took me like 4 hours today but i was in the zone. i'm exhausted. I'm sorry if this is not relatable but I got rid of sooo much stuff and I'm still left with no less than 17 skirts! Pretty much entirely thrifted, mostly for under $10 or $20 and a couple I even made myself. But seriously, 17 skirts and nothing to wear? I need to get real! Now that I can actually see and access my clothes I can be inspired to style and actually wear clothes and have fun and be interesting and make better decisions about what to buy next when the need arises. Until today, I thought I needed more button-down shirts. After the purge I'm left with 10. I'm silly asf!! This was truly a reality check. I feel more than ever like a no-buy is on the horizon. My first. A month sounds scary tbh but I think that's what I'll strive for. I did get some nice new thrifted things delivered today. I'm fantasizing about making a spreadsheet of all my clothing so I can systematically plan outfits and identify gaps in my wardrobe. There's no way I'm doing that.

Song of the day: The Fear by Lily Allen

I was afraid this would happen. After a brief period of being flattered inspired and grateful, I'm suddenly extremely intimidated and self-conscious now that I know people are reading this or otherwise aware that I exist. Lol. Not just people, but people I respect and admire. I felt safer when I thought I was looking up at you all, admiring and aspiring from my rightful place in the obscure below. Now I've been welcomed as a peer by kind, thoughtful,talented folks and The Fear is setting in. My instinct is to retreat and abandon this enterprise to rot and be forgot. I long for the safety of anonymity and invisiblity.

The thing is I do actually enjoy attention and praise. I crave it but when I get it I feel unworthy. It's premature. I've yet to actually earn it.

Yawn. Garden variety impostor syndrome. Awareness that this is a fairly common pathology is not a comfort. There are impostor impostors but I am the true impostor. Yall are not imposting like I am.

I find myself back at a familiar conclusion: get over it lol. Stop thinking about yourself so much. Insecurity in my experience is a by-product of extreme self-absorption. I'm trapped in a spiral of meta-meta-narrative where everything is everything which of course means everything is nothing.

Immersing myself in the writings of others, here on neocities and elsewhere is already proving a soothing salve. I'm happy to be here and to have made your acquaintance, dear reader.

Just had a lovely, invigorating lunch break. I love when that happens.

I shouldn't be here! I actually have serious work to do today and need to be alert and on top of it but all I want to do is write and code.

I was right to think I was forgetting something. I had actually forgotten several things and almost dropped the ball on something really important, not by forgetting but just waiting until the last second to do it. Here's hoping everything goes smoothly. Jeez. I can't help but feel like people are mistaken for putting their trust in me for these kinds of things. I need my first round of adhd meds to just get in fucking stock at the pharmacy. My psychatrist is going to be so annoyed if I see her again next week and still haven't gotten the meds because I haven't been able to make myself call around to find where it is in stock. Eeeee I am in a sea of pickles of my own making.

Everything worked out fine but all my creative energy has dissipated into ether. The muses are fickle. I am a but a husk. Still over an hour before I can go home. If i could rest for a century I think that'd set me right.

Yesterday i was talking about limiting my screen time but I couldn't resist coming here first thing this glorious dark and stormy saturday morning. The sound of rain, the hazy light, the delicious rumbles and cracks of thunder as well as the apocalyptic medieval imagery of the Mount & Blade II: Bannerlord pause screen left graciously by my boyfriend before he left for work playing silently on the tv has created the most glorious atmosphere for my day off. I can't exaggerate the joy I'm feeling.

I sat down to read the book I had mentioned and realized it's actually this other book that talks about the movement from invisible to visible. Either way it's got me thinking about how even though I enjoy reading, I get so excited and ahead of myself that I feel this sense of despair? not really the word I'm looking for I'll probably insert the right one when I think of it--that it takes so much time to acquire the information I'm so hungry for. I enjoy the act of reading but what I really desire is to have read rather than to read. Now I realize I have both these books only halfway finished and I'm much further away from knowing what I want to know than I had hoped. It's a silly problem to have. Like, just read and get over it lol. That's what I'm going to do. If I could I would unhinge my jaw and devour books whole and absorb their contents in an instant. My theoretical ideal self knows it is more virtuous to relish in the effort and toil and time. One day she and I will be the same.

Went to this fundraiser thing last night for my play and I was almost too anxious to go. What's crazy is every single thing I was anxious about basically came true and it was all completely fine. I don't even want to get into it but it was all very funny and I laughed my ass off to tears about it. I did not introduce myself to any of the cast except for the director who approached me. It was a miracle i even showed up, so I'm going to count it as a win. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if I chickened out of going when the whole point of me joining this play was to be in community. I'll be friendly with the cast when we meet virtually and then I'll be able to be normal in person. We all have our limitations. At some point I want to try to identify what exactly are the circumstances that activate my social anxiety. Sometimes I am free and loose and charming and uninhibited. But sometimes I'm nearly paralyzed. I thought I wanted to explore that now but I'm deciding to stick a pin in it. I'm done writing for now.

Have a sinking feeling I'm forgetting something important in regards a work thing I have on Monday. Praying it's nothing I can't solve at a moment's notice when it inevitably comes to light. Or maybe I'm not forgetting anything at all? That would be cool.

Not feeling particularly pensive or articulate today. Just faxing scanning typing at my little keyboard all the livelong day, getting a bit of coding in. I'm setting an intention here to go through this book I'm reading on the medieval worldview and write some thoughts on an aspect of it I find myself returning to: this idea of movement from the invisible to the visible as a sign of divinity. I don't even think that's quite right, which is why I need to go back through the book and formulate some real thoughts and make sure I understand what we're even talking about. It'll be good to interact with the things I'm reading. Mostly I just read this kind of nonfiction to satisfy my curiosity and move on. I'd rather have a more intimate and dynamic relationship with the things I read and the knowledge I acquire. I want to work to make it more than just trivia to me.

More responsibility is coming to me at work because I am being perceived as highly competent somehow. Perhaps I am but I am also pathologically resistant to obligation and responsibility. I don't have kids to raise, pets to walk or even a plant to water. I set it up that way. I try to be needed as little as fathomably possible. I like sitting at my desk with little expected of me. I've decided I'll rise to the occasion. I will increase my resilience and my ability to problem-solve and make strong decisions. It's more in keeping with my ideals of community that I am clearly much more about in theory than in practice. It's time to reconcile.

A creator I like on tiktok was talking about ways she's been improving her quality of life and she suggested only using social media during a set time of day "like you're playing webkinz after school" as she put it. I love the image but my issue is when I was a literal active Webkinz player a couple different times in my adult life, i played absolutely all day every day as long as I could. I cannot be trusted to enjoy webkinz responsibly. And I'm wondering if that means social media is something I may not be able to enjoy in moderation. I do love the idea of screen time being a set time of day. But when it comes to neocities, i do it to pass the time while i'm at work so I check it pretty frequently throughout the day. What am i supposed to do instead? Don't say work!

I'm feeling better than i did when I wrote yesterday. I haven't shopped a lick today and feel at peace with that. I really should go on an intentional month-long no-buy, though. Next month.

The workday has positively flown by, for which I am grateful; My lunch, however, felt long and luxurious. I walked outside and listened to most of Imogen Heap's Speak for Yourself album and then began Weyes Blood's And In The Darkness, Hearts Aglow album which I'd never heard before. Three songs in and I think it's great. Excited to continue.

For lunch I had a coconut water, spicy pickle snack and a classic turkey lunchable. i was pleased to find that the lunchable tastes exactly as good as it did when i was a child.

I feel fatigued but on the precipice of inspiration. I've done a nonzero amount of work on the site today which is more than can be said for the earlier half of this week.

I'm hopeful about the future. About my ability to function once I finally get ahold of these adhd meds. My fantasy is that I will purge my house of all that serves me not and create a nearly blank slate upon which I can fashion a new aesthetic and in turn a new season of life. That I'll be able to transmute more ideas into action. That I'll finally read all those books I've been saving. That I'll finally craft the perfect wardrobe.

I'm itching to get to work on the play and it feels like it's taking forever. This one hasn't even started and I already want to audition for another. There is a production of Midsummer Night's Dream coming this April for which I fully intend to try out as soon as auditions open. Will probably be a long shot but I am keeping my hopes and dreams alive. I used to subconsciously suppress hopes and dreams because i thought they inevitably led to disappointment. i truly thought it was better, even virtuous to desire nothing. Now my desire is what reminds me I'm alive and an agent of my own destiny.

I have nothing to offer. My brain is mush. All I can do is shop shop shop but there's not enough money money money. I've unearthed a few unused gift cards and plan to do some damage to them. i just don't know what I want to buy first or what I actually need. Shopping for shoes shopping for cocktail dresses shopping for cute tops to wear out to wear to work I need skirts to go out and for work i need shoes i need heels platform heels boots kitten the whole nine yards. i have a closet full of clothes and shoes and absolutely fuck all to wear. I hate my clothes. I hate having them. I am hoping the stimulants prescribed by my psychiatrist will give me the wherewithal to donate and sell the things I need to get rid of. Finally having a professional take me seriously about ADHD could be life changing. If the damn medicine comes back in stock. How is the psychaitrist prescirbing me adhd medication going to tell me to call around to different pharmacies if the meds aren't in stock at mine? Am i not coming to you because I find that to be a completely insurmountable task? I am overwhelmed. i'm scatterbrained and want too many things that are not realistically attainable. Why can I not afford any of the clothes i actually like. Even in the secondhand market. I want to look better. i want to look good. not just good but impressively good and i want people to notice and comment. That used to be my experience when i lived in a smaller town and was at that tender age where everyone is obsessed with you. I cannot think. I am not coherent at this time. I cannot be relied upon to say anything worthwhile. It's shoes it's dresses it's skirts bags shirts and accessories. And perfumes. i want so many perfumes. I want one that smells like pistachios. My birthday is coming up, i can ask my mom for it. I need a desk i need furniture. i want to redo my whole apartment. I have a fucking leopard print palm tree, hot pink giant bean bag chair, and an orange couch. all from facebook marketplace along with every single other piece of furniture i own. It doesn't sound so bad and maybe it's not maybe it's fun but i'm kind of over my house looking like iCarly. I am about to turn 27. I don't think i NEED to grow up or anything I just think i HAVE grown up. I don't want to get more boring I just want my space to be peaceful and sophisticated and just more refined than what i have going on right now. Which given what we're working with shouldn't be that hard. everything i have is shabby seconhand and looks like it's for children. But new things cost money. Secondhand things that are new to me and actually nice cost money too. I can only afford shitty things but i don't want to buy shitty things anymore. I need a desk i need a coat rack. These things i know will change my life. Hopefully soon I will be back to writing coherently and optimistically about things that aren't quite so trivial. I'm being bratty. I must let the brat speak so she can tire herself out and let someone less insufferable take over. Oh would you look at that? Therapist just sent me a worksheet on cognitive distortions. She's just in time.

Yesterday i took a sick day. I desperately needed an extra day of pure rest before I returned to the old grind. It gave me the opportunity to care for my future, soon to be present self by preparing a delicious nutricious lunch of homemade salad (consisting of cucumbers, campari tomatoes, heart of palm, baby corn, dressed with goat cheese and lemon), and a charcuterie-esque selection of sharp cheddar, hard salami, and crisp white grapes. For breakfast I had a strawberry yogurt beverage. I love a varied and dynamic lunch. Bringing my lunch has always been an obstacle for me and I've spent far too much money on takeout and delivery. I've been extremely fixated on food for the last week or so. I wonder how long it'll last. My screen time is way up, taken mostly by pinterest and online window shopping. I must be like super understimulated or something. i'm consuming at unsustainable rates.

Anyway, the sick day. With it I backed away from the razor's edge of burnout. I wish I wasn't burnt out so easily. It's not like I really work all that hard or do anything that stressful. I am grateful and aware of that privilege. Still, 40 hours a week plus lunches so basically 45 hours plus commute time is a ridiculous time commitment no matter how cushy your job is in my opinion. Especially to still be classified by HUD as "low-income."There's nothing I even enjoy doing that I want to be forced to do for 40 hours a week. And some people work even more than that! Whether a product of financial necessity or workaholism, that is terrifying. Workaholism is a pathology I cannot wrap my head around.

Watched this video about medieval peasants the other day. I balked when the historian said that serfs usually worked the land about 2 to 3 days a week! Good for the serfs and all but this depresses me. American work/productivity culture depresses me. I fear the serfs may have had it better.

Welp. I'm stressed. I hate money and having to make it and use it to live. Lease renewed today and my rent balance is $200 more than what was agreed upon. I called the leasing office to let them know hours ago and they said they'd get back to me. They haven't. I'm not paying that extra $200 damnit! Not today not ever.

My birthday is in exactly one month. I need extra random expenses less than EVER right now. I want nice things for myself. I want new clothes and shoes and purses and furniture and makeup and dinners and other fun things. I shopped online for the majority of my workday. Didn't buy anything, just coveted and ammassed immense wishlists on a bunch of websites. Sue me!

I am hundreds of dollars in debt to the tx toll system due solely to late fees incurred on charges that would have only been a couple bucks. My registration is 2 years out, i've already been pulled over for it. There's an issue with my title i need to fix before I can even get the registration done, appointments at the tax office are months out, i'd have to get up extra early and take off work to go do a walk-in, and I think i've misplaced the paper that showed my car passed inspection. The a/c isn't blowing cold and it's unseasonably warm out. It's about to be tax season and I messed up on them last year and I'm scared to see what the damage will be this year. i think it's time to renew my health insurance but I'm not sure where I even need to go for that. I am not cut out for all this bureaucracy. very hostile to my constitution. i don't like having to think about this stuff. i resent it. I'd like to reject it all outright but it's impossible. capitalism is a scourge.

I thought I had a therapy appointment today and i got all prepared but it's actually tomorrow. I'mmm kind of a mess. I want to get started with my play already. I feel so tired. The last few days when I get off work I've just been vegetating on the couch on my phone. I'm somehow understimulated and fatigued and unmotivated. I'm sure it'll pass. It's got to.

I took a walk during my lunch break today and tried on glasses frames since I'm in the market for my very first pair. As of recently my vision is decidedly not as good as it used to be. Probably from looking at a screen so often. I got a good idea of what shape I want and I will try to acquire some similar ones secondhand.

It's good i got some walking in since I will likely continue my trend of vegetating when I get home tonight. Or who knows, maybe i'll break the cycle? Maybe i'll suggest we go out for dinner? It's money but I could really use a pina colada. I want to belieeeve the rent thing will resolve itself.

Admittedly writing for the purpose of passing the time does not produce my most coherent, compelling work. I need 14 more minutes to pass and i need to not perceive them.

A little proofreading and now it's time to go! Worked like a charm.

I think of myself as a pretty relaxed, laid back person. But people respond to me all the time like I'm freaking out, so i must be emoting a lot more than I mean to.

I just had the most wonderful, indulgent, much-needed lunch break. I left the office, which I rarely do, and got the exact smoothie and snack i was craving (smoothie that tastes like chocolate covered strawberries, snack of tabouli and quinoa with hummus and olives). I walked over to my favorite curated vintage shop and tried on dresses, though i didn't buy any.

The problem came when it was time to come back to work. My parking garage was full! I had not considered I wouldn't be able to get back into my trusty garage that i PAY DAILY TO ACCESS. I have never had a backup plan. Parking at my workplace is notoriously nightmarish, and I have major parking anxiety to begin with. I panic drove in circles a couple times through the crowded streets, keeping an eye out for some available (paid) street parking, knowing full well if there was a free spot I'd be too scared to take it and would probably hold up traffic for a while if I attempted. In any case there weren't any free spots and I had to park down the street a short walk away and pay dearly for my half day, even though I have already paid for today's access to the garage. Annoying but not terribly disastrous. I just got paid so if it was ever going to happen best that it happened now. I was only about 10 minutes late back from lunch, and it's really a beautiful day.

When i got back i told my coworkers what happened, slightly winded from my rushed walk over. To me it was just a silly little story about a minor fiasco. But i got the dreaded, very serious "Are you ok?" Which I am probably reading too much into and it's actually probably very kind of them to be concerned. But was i really giving not ok? I didn't feel like I was? And i feel like that's something that happens to me fairly often. I'm chill inside but very externally expressive which I think freaks people out a little. It's okay and my annoyance about the issue has subsided significantly since I started writing this.

While away at lunch (i will be thinking twice before leaving the premises for lunch again) i noticed my beat-up yeti cup i received for free from my old job. It's in my cupholder growing a science experiment I'd rather not perceive. My instinct was to just throw it away. I held off. Upon my return from lunch I got a message from HR asking me to choose a gift for completing my 6 month probationary period. The choice was between two yetis! I am resolving to throw out the old, disgusting yeti with its compromised lid and start afresh with my shiny new clean pristine yeti. I will treat this one better. i hated that old job anyway.

It's one of those mornings where I can't find enough to do to pass the time and don't have the inspiration/motivation to undertake an involved endeavor on some page of this site which I know would completely solve the time issue. For some reason I can't think of the other things I do to keep occupied? Can't think of a topic i want to research. Online window shopping isn't calling like it normall does. I'm in a holding pattern with my play because the final script won't be sent out until a few days from now. What else can i do? It's only 11am. I would like to blink and have the day over, or at least the next 2 hours so i can eat some lunch.

Decided to be brave and honest and decline some plans a good friend really wanted me to go to. I feel terrible disappointing them but I feel like I need to learn not to people please all the time because it's dishonest and breeds resentment and i really, really don't want to go. In the time it took me to write that last sentence they responded and were totally understanding. I was silly for being afraid and I love my friend very much. I just recorded an important breakthrough in real time! And that's not to say you shouldn't at times do things you might rather not do for the sake of your friends, because doing that is a big part of what friendship is about. I will continue to remember that and always try to strike a healthy balance.

Well, that killed 20 minutes. Should I just have my lunch early? Maybe the nutrients will motivate and invigorate. I brought sliced cucumbers, baby carrots, kalamata olive hummus and a bunch of baby pita breads. I also brought some lemon and cayenne, with which I intend to douse my cukes along with some salt and pepper. Cayenne in the hummus as well. Now if only I had some feta. I'm in the last few days before my paycheck so i'm in my ice soup era. I may build some kind of food-centric page with recipes and snack ideas and a diary of foods I eat that excite me and bring me joy so I can have a place to refer when I forget what foods I like and are available to me.

Boss brought up that they watched The Sound of Freedom movie over the weekend and I stupidly without thinking responded "That QANON movie?" and started digging myself a hole where I tried to explain that it was propaganda that sensationalizes and misrepresents child trafficking not to mention exaggerates the creator's heroicism and has ties to far-right-wing grops which only continued to offend my boss since they were very moved by the film and explained to me that they take things at face value and don't look into if things are propaganda or not. How do I explain to them that that's not a good thing? The answer is I don't. This is an office. I need to stop speaking and assuming people know the things I know and agree with me about them. I forgot to imagine a world in which my boss was not bringing the movie up to talk about how ridiculous it was, which it turns out is the world in which I am living. This happened maybe an hour ago and the acute physical sensations of awkwardness and embarrassment have not yet subsided. My threshold for these feelings is unfortunately rather low. I changed the subject to a television show we both like. Boss seems recovered but i am SHAKEN. The workplace is such a STRANGE environment with such strange rules and norms and expectations. I too often find myself starting to say things I realize should only be reserved for private conversations with my friends. Not in like a personal-oversharing or HR violation way LOL but i guess in terms of jokes and references and assumption of shared knowledge and opinions. Going to try to be much more cognizant of that moving forward. Also really hoping this does not send my boss who I actually mostly like down the QANON pipeline. WHEWWWWW.

Just took a walk through my neighborhood to the grocery store for the first time in a long while. The weather is just perfect; 65 degrees F and perfectly sunny with not a cloud in the bluest of blue skies. I came across a colony of ants working very hard to carry countless small identical leaves into their hole. I'm unreasonably afraid of most bugs but for some reason ants don't scare me. I couldn't take my eyes off them. I would like to learn some more about ants I think. The way they work together for the benefit of the group is inspiring. As is their ability to carry those leaves that, while tiny as far as leaves go, are huge compared to the ant! I sheepishly admit I'm not a big outdoorsy nature-y person but seeing those ants felt invigorating.

This has been a stunningly lazy sunday. Which I well earned because I spent yesterday cleaning and organzing my room, which is huge for me because it's been a mess for ages and I have a really hard time getting motivated for those things. Having a clean, accessible space improves my quality of life such a ridiculous amount. It makes being productive better and it makes being lazy EVEN BETTER. There's just something about lounging in a lovely clean space that feels decadent and restorative whereas lounging in dirt squalor tends to feel more like rotting. I say that without judgement; I do more than my fair share of the latter.

This morning was spam and eggs and french toast for breakfast, with coffee of course. Very rich and decadent and fabulous. Dinner will be steak and brocolli and scalloped potatoes. Fresh baked cookies for dessert. This will have been a weekend done right.

Starting to get insecure about my chronic myopia. I keep to myself a lot and feel that my focus is turned inward far too much of the time. Even this site is generally an exploration and expression of myself. And I think it's cool and good to have that but I really want to expand. I also fear I over-value my personal leisure. My plan is to get out more and engage with my community. I just spent a couple hours looking for upcoming events like art exhibitions and workshops. I realized the public library has tons of free ways for me to spend my time, learn new things, expand my skills and meet new people. I am so excited to start doing this. I want to actually have something of substance to say that is not about myself. Insufferable navel-gazing is now but not forever. I create the person I am. I'm completely in charge. i love when i remember that. I've struggled for a while with a weak/hollow sense of identity and I think working on this site has helped me profoundly in that regard. Now for a new frontier! I feel like expanding my horizons will help with the identity thing but i'm hoping to set some new, external goals.

Since i graduated college I've been a total autodidact for years. I've picked up a lot of skills and knowledge very quickly and then plateaued. I need to experience feedback from experts again. Getting into this play is one way I'm doing that! There's a coding workshop at the library i'm going to attend. I'm also going to attend a group whose function is to practice speaking spanish to increase fluency, which is something i've always known i've needed but didn't know where to look. I'm glad i still have access to learning even without spending money. Long live the fucking library.

I wish i could write more right now and be more articulate but i'm working at a worse keyboard than usual and between that and my long press-on nails it's a miracle (i tried to spell it myrical for a sec?) i even cranked this out.

I did resolve my saltiness from my last entry. I am inspired and excited and grateful. I just needed to have my moment.

Finding myself growing a bit salty about the (lack of) prominence of my role in the play lol. I had overestimated it. I've got 2 good size monologues but otherwise not much to work with. I need to strangle my ego, weight it down and let it nourish some riverbed ecosystem somewhere. It'll be more useful that way. Theatre is not about glorifying myself it's about putting on a good show and telling stories and capturing the human experience and being part of a community. I have to remind myself often.

I'm resolving to transmute this dark energy into just doing the absolute best I can do and making the most of my stage time, of which there is a good bit even without many spoken lines. I want to breathe as much life into my character as possible and make interesting and memorable choices so that I can really show my potential and that i can handle meatier roles. I'm going to take this as seriously as if I was the star of the show. Keeping in mind I'm a virtual newcomer to the scene, a stranger to the director and certainly rusty after my long hiatus. I still have ample opportunity to prove and improve myself. I'm going to just have as much fun with it as i can and learn as much as possible from the process. I don't know what I was expecting? For everyone to immediately drop enraptured to their knees because i'm taking acting to new highs in ways they'd only ever dreamed could be done? It's a nice fantasy but fantasy is all it is. And that's actually normal and fine. And it's actually like a really good thing that my full potential is yet to be reached. I am imagining it as far away but attainable with sustained effort. That's healthy right?

Trying to strike a balance between awareness and mitigation of maladaptive narcissistic tendencies while maintaining a healthy and ambitious sense of confidence. How am I doing? Don't answer that.

Some time has passed. My work day is thankfully coming to a close. Been doing character research and it's made me grateful and excited that I am discovering and learning with the intention to synthesize and utilize (why not just say use? bc it rhymes duh!) the information for a practical and creative purpose, rather than what I usually do which is gather knowledge voraciously and aimlessly only to let it rot unprocessed in the recesses of my mind until it degrades to nothing. Not to mention it's in relation to ancient greek and medieval history and myth which are some personal favorite niches. Theatre is really such an enriching medium. Not to mention I get a $100 stipend for being in the play when I'd have happily done it for free. It's all a net win DON'T LET ME LOSE SIGHT OF THAT.

YESSSSS THEY OFFERED ME A ROLE which I will surely accept you are now reading the journal of Calchas, Cressida's father (gonna be changed to sister) in Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida. It's a faiiirly prominent role with some good long speeches so I'm happy as a CLAM. I am IN and I am SO EXCITED I had been waiting for this email all day. I'm not hopeless! They could've given me a nonspeaking role or no role at all. But I'm cast. I'm really cast. YESSSHDSJDKJSKJDDKJ i should celebrate somehow??

Tonight I'm saying goodbye to a good friend who's moving away. So that's sad. Life is such a mixed bag.

Bored as helll i'm basically just writing out of habit. Ordered my lunch super early cause i don't know what else to do and I'm so hungry. In no time at all I will be enjoying a delicious mufaletta sandwich, a broccoli cheese soup and some cucumbers with tzatziki. I will refill my coffee when it gets here and have a real sensory experience.

What I should do is log into my other website and work on it. I haven't touched it in a while so it's hard to get back in the swing of it. But I will do it. Sighh.

Submitted my final tape last night. I'll hear back by Friday. I'M SCARED. I think I did a good enough job i should get SOMETHING. Please theatre world! Let me back in! I realized yesterday that i have literally not been in a play for almost 10 whole years... I'm sick!! I need this so bad. I am letting myself yearn. I'm fleshing out my life more and more every day.

I can't believe i was so burned out for so long that I had completely given up on ambition. I had fully stopped valuing it. I'm glad I got it back. i don't need to be the best or a star I just have to want something more!

I say that but i fear if I don't get cast in this play I'm going to go Pearl mode... PLEEEAASSSEEE IM A STARRRRRRRRR

Got a bunch of work work done so i feel like i've earned an entry. Been preparing intensely for my callback tapes for the shakespeare show. I'm supposed to go super over-the-top. It's a challenge but I think i'm up to the task. Having a lot of fun with it. Got one tape done and will be completing the second when I get home from work this evening.

It's not even that big of a deal but I want a part in this show so badly. I'm being really vulnerable by saying that. I'll be embarrassed if I say it aloud and don't get it but I'm trying to increase my resilience to rejection, discomfort, embarrassment and failure. I'm so proud of myself for doing and pursuing so many things at this point in my life. I spent so many years after college doing absolutely nothing. Except playing video games I guess. I haven't been playing much at all for a while now.

Wish me a broken leg! i'm gonna act my ass off for this tape tonight.

Also I'm obsessed with Ariana Grande's new song. I evolve and evolve but some things just never change.

I got called back for the shakespeare play! Still not guaranteed a role at this point but this is a welcome consolation and validation after being so swiftly rejected from the other play LOL. Now i know i'm not hopeless! It's going to be a challenge but i'm going to tackle it and give it my all. I'm a bit afraid to be too excited but if I'm honest I'm thrilled. It was almost 7 before I heard back. I had already pretty much resigned to another rejection but YAYYY. Now I have serious work to do.

Did not get called back for that 2 hander. I had a fiasco where i meant to get there super early so i'd have time to find the building and the theatre. When it was time for me to go, where i'd have been 20 minutes early, i lost my car keys. I looked around frantically for a few minutes before just ordering an uber so as not to waste more time. I'm terrible with directions and i studied a map of the place and had my path planned out to start from a building I had been in before so i could have my bearings. Of course the entrance I was planning on using was locked so I had to scramble around to find another entrance in an adjacent building and by this point my whole directional equillibrium was kaput. i just scrambled around those empty buildings with no one to ask for help just hoping i was going in the right general direction. With 5 minutes to spare, as I was about to abandon hope, I found the fucking black box theatre and made it to my damn audition. There were a few social fumbles and a bit of communication confusion and I was super frazzled and nervous but I think i gave a pretty decent performance considering. It took all of 5 minutes. When i got home i found my keys under the notebook I was using to run lines smh. And it was all for nothing because they didn't call me back LOL.

ok actually i'm trying to not feel that way. I knew this was a long shot but the rejection stings more than I was expecting. I'm now a lot less confident about my shakespeare audition for which i still have another day to find out if i've been called back. But I'm trying to remember that auditions are practice, that there are many factors that couldve gone into the rejection, i could've just not been what they were looking for, or the competition couldve been really good, my audition etiquette may not have been polished enough,i didn't have a headshot or resume though they weren't required but i know it makes a difference, i could have not been grounded enough after being so frazzled, i could just be really rusty after such a long hiatus and no feedback, it could be all of the above. just because i didn't make it on the first try doesn't mean i'm not cut out for it.

In any case I am fighting and WINNING against the temptation to just give up when things don't immediately go my way. This is an opportunity. All the time I spent working on those monologs was not wasted because now i have some good monologs in my back pocket for future auditions. I practiced acting and now I have time to practice more and really refamiliarize myself with techniques and use them really thoughtfully. The time was not wasted. i will keep telling myself that. I will take some headshots this weekend, though I don't know how I'll print them. I'll figure that out. Still no resume to speak of which will be an issue but if i keep focusing on technique and just getting better hopefully i can wedge my way into SOME production sometime soon.

I really need to start doing self-tapes. I tried to avoid them this time and opted for live audtions over zoom and in person. But i think my nervousness hurt the performances that i prepared really thoroughly for. I wanted to avoid it because i felt like i couldnt count on myself to actually produce and finish the video in time and it would just be easier to attend an event at a set time, but i think i just need to grow up and do it. i shudder to think that the outcome of this mightve been different if i had opted to do a self-tape. I've learned my lesson.

OOH if i'm smart I can tie this stuff to the site. Like do the self-tapes and then have a page here where I can post them. Omg that's what i need to do. I have a goal! I will work toward it!

I'm also trying to shake the embarrassment of the rejection. I can't help but wish I had never said anything or told anyone about it so i could fail in private. Buttt I know that it's actually really important to not be afraid to be seen trying and that will include sometimes failing. I will not let this get me down. For too long anyway. i did cry for a few minutes which is my prerogative. But i'm past that now. On to the next. Time to improve.

One audition down!! I did it yesterday over zoom i prepared SO MUCH and it was over SO fast like it genuinely took no longer than 4 minutes to join the zoom, say hello, make small talk, perform the 2 monologues, then do a little more small talk. I think i performed well if a little rushed due to nerves. I find out wednesday if i'm called back. Waiting is agony. Just tell me now!! It's a Shakespeare play with 25 available roles so I think I've got a decent chance of getting SOMETHING ya know? Even if it's a nonspeaking role (tbh i would be sad if i got the nonspeaking role butttt I will also not turn it down. in the spirit of theatre not being all about me.)

Got another audition this evening after work and this one is a much longer shot since there are only 2 roles but I would really, really love to do it. It seems like it would be a fun challenge and yes I am drawn to the fact that with so few roles a lot of attention would be on me. Actors amirite?

Been working hard on my audition monologues. Got 3 of 4 memorized. First audition is in 2 days and the next is in 3. I think I'm on track to be pretty well prepared. I had forgotten how much fun i could have with acting. And how good it feels to have a goal to work tirelessly toward.

I've got a hair appointment here in a bit. Gonna get some bangs. It's been long enough. I've been looking a mess lately. I don't know why. Maybe this will help. Then it's headshots. And then IF i get cast in either show I'm auditioning for I will begin my acting resume and use that to continue to audition for local productions. I'm going to stay prepared to not get cast at all and just keep trying. Bit wouldn't it be great if I did get cast and could just get right into it?

I'm not feeling like I really have my shit together this new year. Haven't really made any drastic changes, though I could afford to. I'm curious to see where this year takes me. I want to be more observant and in turn use that heightened observance to supplement my imagination and just really be on a creative vibe. I think I take the things I see for granted. I don't really really look at details, I just get the gist. i retain none of the nuances and intricacies. i think that holds me back. I need to be able to conceptualize. Everything I create I feel comes from a sort of accident of experimentation. i want to be able to be intentional about my ideas and execute them with a clear point of view. So much easier said than done.

On New Years Day I had the sudden powerful urge to return to the stage. I've decided to force myself into the local theatre scene here in order to feel something. I've got 2 auditions this weekend. I haven't acted in years. I'm terrified to try and even more terrified to not try. I miss acting so much. The last thing I needed was to throw another hobby into the mix but hey at least it's not a brand new one.

As always the fear is that my interest and motivation will fizzle out. But hey! Here I am a few months in still updating the site, albeit much more slowly, but still. It shows I can stick with something.

I've never felt more in my element or such a sense of belonging than I had when I was an actress. Been brushing up on my Stanislavski so hopefully i don't choke and make a fool of myself.

I'm going to give it my all but all I'm hoping for out of these auditions this week is a callback. A casting would be even better but I know it's a long shot considering my competition will likely be people who are currently acting and not rusty like me. They will also have resumes and headshots and I don't have any roles to speak of from the last 6 years. A callback would let me know that I'm not totally delusional. I will keep trying. If I get cast, though, I will be overjoyed. And i will give it my absolute all. i will pour myself into the role. That's showbiz, baby.